Wishing I could do more

Awake again. No surprise really. I decided I should try to come to bed early to try to sleep. But here I am. Wide awake.

I wonder when sleep will come back to me. Will it ever? I was feeling so tired tonight, but as much as I try I just can't bring myself to come to bed or go to sleep before 11.42pm.

Is there something wrong with me?

I just checked on Indianna (20 months old) before coming to bed. This seems to be a habit I have picked up again. I can't walk into her room without checking to see if she's ok. Placeing my hand on her belly to make sure she's breathing. Touch her hand, her face.
I was looking down on her in her cot tonight holding her hand, and oh god, I saw Owen. She looked so much like him. Her little nose and mouth. It's the same as Owen's. I just miss him so dam much.

I have been part of an online mums group for both Indi and Owen. They have both been great supports to me whilst I was pregnant and beyong an now also going thru the hardest thing I think I will ever go thru. It's saddens me so much that I am not visiting them as much anymore. Mainly my July mummies. I live them all, but god. It's just so so hard. I want to be there more for them as slot are first time mums. But it hurts too much at times. Especially at the moment. Coming up to milestones. Some are talking about starting solids. And although Owen is the youngest in the group it just makes me think of what would have been coming. It's just the little things. But it's surprising how much the little things can hurt. They are talking about doing a secret Santa at the moment aswell. Just another thing I miss out on because for some unknown and stupid reason someone took my baby away from me.

I just wish I could be in a better place to help them and be there for all these beautiful ladies and mummies that have helped me so much.

WTF?

Ok, so I am fucken angry at the moment.. Well that and hurt beyone belief.

I just came home and on my way home I decided to visit my boy. I miss him and was already feeling sad today. It's been a hard, crying day.

Get home and I have a letter waiting from me. From the Hospital. From what I can tell it is a copy of "notes" from Owen's autopsy results. I summary if you will for my GP.

So I'm sitting here reading it, crying. And the I come to this paragraph, and I quote:

"Melissa asked if earlier delivery would have saved Owen's life. The obvious answer is yes, but this is easy in hindsight"

So now, I sit here, balling my eyes out, thinking about it all. I just don't understand. I feel numb all over again

Owen's Tattoo

I have wanted to get a tattoo for as long as I can remember. I always wanted something that meant something to me. I was just never able to find exactly what I wanted.

After loosing Owen, I made a decision. I was FINALLY going to get my first tattoo. I was going to get Owen's intials on my wrist. I can't think of anything better than having Owen as my first tattoo.

My friend and I got together, and I told him exactly what I wanted. I want to have Owen's initials "OED", but in a font so that it interlinked over each other. I felt that this way it was special to me as not everyone would be able to see exactly what it is. And since I have always loved butterflies and butterflies have also become a symbol for Owen, I wanted to have one with his intials..

I went to my tattooist yesterday to get it done. I was freaking out abit because everyone kept telling me that this was REALLY REALLY going to hurt.. (yeah thanks) But I was so surprised to find out that it didn't hurt at all.

Here is a picture of my new addition



This is my way of now having my sweet little boy with me for the rest of my life, just like all my other children will be by my side for the rest of my life, so will he.

RIP baby boy

On Monday 2nd November at 10am we laid our gorgeous baby boy Owen Edward to rest.

We had a beautiful little service for him. We gathered with our family and our closet friends to say good bye.

Another hard day.....





I had organised balloons for all the children present to release and my best friend organised to have some little matchbox cars for each of them to place with Owen, so he would have some toys with him.



My babies sitting with there baby brother xxxxx



I miss my baby boy so much.. We all love you so so much...

It was a hard day for all of us...

Struggling

Tomorrow, at 10am. We are having Owen's Internment Service. We are placing my baby boy in the ground. His headstone is already there and ready and waiting for him.

Why am I struggling?
Because I'm not sure if I am ready to let go. It feels like this is really admitting that my baby boy isn't here anymore. At the moment, I think living in the limbo I have created is my saving grace. He is still here. To me, he is here with me. But tomorrow he wont be. Tomorrow, my son is gone. Owen is gone.

I know that by putting him in the memorial garden, he will be laid to rest. Other people will be able to go to see him and talk to him.

I just don't know. I am not ready to really except that this is really real. Maybe on some level I am still in shock. I don't know. I just don't know.

Why does every step have to be so dam hard. Why can't we just have our babies like we are suppose to. Why do they have to get taken away. I will never understand, I dont' want to understand. It's not right that we and other baby lost mama's have to go thru this..

Sharing A Poem

A friend just sent me this poem, and I wanted to share it.

God sent to us an angel

but you were just on loan

we cherished you with all our hearts

but soon our time had flown

twas hard, so hard to give you back

for we just loved you so

and how hard it was to say good bye

no one will ever know.

Insomnia

And here I am...... Wide awake...... 12.46am..... I should be asleep..... Isn't that what people do? Normal people! Am I normal anymore? What is normal?

Why is it I can feel tired but yet sleep doesn't come?

Normal can't be a place where people loose babies..... Who wants to have this pain..... No one..... But yet, here we are..... A place where it happens more than people know or think..... It's just no one talks about it.....