Lost

I am feeling so lost at the moment. I so wish to have Owen here. I will I had to gift so I can see him and talk to him. I miss him so much. I wonder what he is doing and where he is? Is he with me, is he around me, my husband or our children?. What is he thinking? Is he happy, is he safe?

I would do anything to have him back. I would do anything to see him again.

It's a cruel world

My friends had a baby yesterday. And while I am happy for them. I still feel like I have been kicked in the guts.

They have what I should have had. They are holding there baby safely and healthy in there arms. They will have there baby at Christmas. My arms are empty. My heart is empty. I feel sad, hurt, pissed off.

They have what I so desperately want and should have had and it hurts.

Really struggling

I haven't been on much anywhere lately.. I just am not doing well with this holiday and not having Owen. I have been crying ALOT... I was just standing in Harvey Norman the other day and just started crying. I have no idea where it came from or anything. It just happened..

I think maybe I am struggling alot more than I am actually letting on to people. I just don't want them to worry about me. I feel like maybe some people feel like I should be moving on by now. I don't know. Today I just felt like, is any of this really worth it. We don't seem to be able to catch a break, and I just can't be bothered. I want my son. I want him so much and I hate this life without him. I feel like a part of me is missing and will never get that back.

I hate it, I hate all of this. I don't want it,

Anonymous Gift

I just recieved this beautiful heart in the mail today. I am absolutely amazed, overwhelmed and just speechless.

You see this gift is from someone unknown. There was no card or anything with it. It has come directly from the company who did it and thats all I know.

I would love to be able to find out who did this for me and my family. I absolutely love it and would love to be able to thank the person.

If anyone should know who sent it or you were the one to send it I would love to hear from you. I would love the opportunity to thank you. from the bottom of my heart thank you.

When Reality strikes

I went away this weekend. My nana hasn't been well and had one of her legs amputated a few weeks ago. My mum was going up so I decided to go with her.

It was nice to see my nana and she seems to be in good spirits at the moment (when she remembers whats happening). It's sad to see her forgetting things like this, but in the same way it's nice not to see her in as much pain anymore. We can actually have a conversation.

We decided to take her out for the day to go and see my uncle, and it was a nice visit. Although for some reason it started the emotional rolacoaster for me.
As we were leaving my mum was talking to my Aunty saying how nice it was to see me etc, and the only ones she hasn't seen yet was Indianna and Hubby. For such a small comment, meaning no harm I know. It just came out of no where. I just looked at them and burst into tears and sat in the car. I am sure my Aunty thought I had lost the plot, it just came so quickly. I realised that Although she hasn't seen Indianna and hubby yet, she will get to one day soon. But she will never meet my beautiful baby boy, Owen.

I just want to show him off to everyone and introduce him, but he's not here in my arms and I hate it.

What is this?

I don't know what happened today or what to make of it.

I went to toys r us quickly to have a little look at presents for the kiddlywinks for xmas. I was walking around and found myself in the baby section.

Next thing I know, my chest feels really tight and I couldn't breathe properly and started crying.

I have no idea what to make of it. My mum said it might be a panic or anxiety attack. I don't know. Something like that has never happened to me before.

Thinking

I'm lying here thinking, I should have organised to see "New Moon" tonight for the midnight session. It's not like I sleep anyway....