Sharing A Poem

A friend just sent me this poem, and I wanted to share it.

God sent to us an angel

but you were just on loan

we cherished you with all our hearts

but soon our time had flown

twas hard, so hard to give you back

for we just loved you so

and how hard it was to say good bye

no one will ever know.

Insomnia

And here I am...... Wide awake...... 12.46am..... I should be asleep..... Isn't that what people do? Normal people! Am I normal anymore? What is normal?

Why is it I can feel tired but yet sleep doesn't come?

Normal can't be a place where people loose babies..... Who wants to have this pain..... No one..... But yet, here we are..... A place where it happens more than people know or think..... It's just no one talks about it.....

Really happening

I got a phone call on Wednesday letting me know Owen's plaque and picture is ready for his headstond.

Today we went up to the cremetorium to decide where we wanted it put on the stone.

It's been a hard day, it's been a hard week. For some reason I am crying more this week and I dont know why. Today especially but I know thats because the time is getting nearer where we lay our boy in the ground in the baby memorial garder.

It's like doing that today was making this all real. This is real. I am a mummy to 5 gorgeous children, but only have 4 here in my arms. I dont' want this reality. I want all 5 of my babies in my arms.

Reality is sad and cruel.

Sleepless nights

I'm lying here in bed. Another night of not sleeping. Seems to be my life now. I use to be an 'in bed by 9.30pm' kind of girl. Now, it's 12.06 and I am fully awake. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is my precious boy.

Tonight when I close my eyes to 'try' to go to sleep, I see my babies funeral. Sitting there and looking at his tiny casket with all his toys around him. Having to walk away at the end. Bloody hell, I cry again now just writing about it. I hated leaving him there.

I hate that he was taken away from me. I hate this. This feeling of loss, of grief, of emptiness, I think feeling numb too. I know I have my husband, children, family and friends. I know this, but it doesn't take those feeling away.

I miss my youngest son. I miss my baby. I want him back. I want this all just be a bad dream and to wake up now. I don't want to do this anymore.

PLEASE JUST LET ME WAKE UP NOW!

Lighting a candle for our Angels.

Today is International Pregnancy and Infant loss day.

I lite a candle for my sweet little man Owen, and also for my good friends who have also lost Lola and Emily, and a special little candle for all the other little angels no longer with us.



Thinking of you all today
xxxxx

It's the little things

If it wasn't for my children, I highly doubt that I would get up everyday and continue with life. A Life without my youngest son Owen. For ME, my kids are the ones keeping me from staying in the "big black hole", that is so easy to fall into.

This weekend, Saturday was a bit of a quiet day. I was sitting in my corner of the lounge room with the music channel on. Owen's song "last day on earth, by Kate Miller-Heidke" came on. Everytime I hear this song, I don't care where I am, or how much it hurts. I listen to it. I turn it up and Listen and remember my sweet little boy. The words are so true for me.

So I was sitting here, listening, and watching. My eldest daughter, Ashlee, heard it on and came out to sit and watch "Owen's song". Listening to it. I started to cry (like I do every time). She saw me crying, and Adam rubbing my back. She walked over to me, and gave me a big hug and a kiss. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to. Next thing I know, she must have gone out to the other room and told my son Mackenzie to come in and give me a hug. He walked in and saw me, bent over and gave me a kiss and cuddle. Indianna was hot on his heals, she looked up at me, put her arms up in the air for me to pick her up. I picked her up and sat her on my lap. She turned to look at me, put her arms around me and patted and rubbed my back. Bear in mind, Indianna in only 19mths old. I tell you, children can sense so many things.

My children were my saviours on Saturday.

Today, Sunday. We went on a road trip to Maryborough. My nana is very sick and we aren't sure how much longer she is going to be with us. So I wanted to go and see her. It was a nice trip, with the family.

On the way home, we stopped for hubby to get a coffee. He told the kids to hop out and stretch their legs before we hit the road again. So I look over at the kids to see what they are up to. And there they all are, my 3 eldest "stretching there legs" like they are about to do exercise or run a race.

I laughed so much. I good belly laugh. These haven't happened much at all over the last 9 weeks. (Actually I would be able to count on one hand and still have fingers left free of how many times I have had a good laugh.) It was hilarious.

My children. They are my reason for not going too deeply into that "big black hole".

Another small step.

I made another small step today.

I went (with my husband and Indianna) to pick up my 3 kids from school. It's the first time I have been there since before Owen was born. My husband had taken over taking the kids to and from school before I had Owen to give me a little break (greatly appreciated at 43wks pregnant).

But today. I did it. I went to school. I picked up my kids.

I cried as we walked up to the school and had to stop and take some deep breathes, but I did it.

Some people might think whats the big deal. Well to me it was a big deal. My youngest son started Prep this year, and all year every morning and every afternoon when I have gone to school I was pregnant. I met mums in my son's class and they all have known me as being pregnant and have been there for just about my whole pregnancy. When Owen was born, some of the mums even came to the funeral to support us, and made us meals to help out. They even offered to get the kids for us to and from school.

So as you can see, Owen was a big part of "school". Walking in there today without him, well it was another kick in the guts (I was just talking a friend about "kicks in the guts" today, and she was right. they never stop).

One small step. But I did it, with help, but I did it all the same. Tomorrow I will take another small step and do it again.