Today I was reading a forum I am a member on. I decided to go back and look at the thread I started after Owen was born.
It's been a long time since I went into that thread. It was his birth story. I wanted to share with a wonderful group of women our story when he was born. It was such a shock to us loosing Owen, and it was such a shock to the girls on the forum too.
It was lovely to read back over the comments I recieved after his birth. It's amazing to see how wonderful, supportive and loving a group of women can be. Women who I have never met in real life. Women who some of them have been around when I got married, have been there when I had 2 of my children, and women who are there for one of the hardest moments of my life.
I don't think these women could ever understand the depth of my gratitude for them. With there love and support I have found a way to live. It's been hard, but knowing that they were there, that I could post anything, even if it wasn't all flowers and happiness, and post without being judged.
I have made some wonderful friendships thru the forum aswell. Friendships I will treasure for the rest of my life, and friendships I know will last the rest of my life.
It really makes you stop and think about things doesn't it? How wonderful, supportive and giving people can be, even when you don't "know" them. Thru the worst possible time in your life, sometimes there is a little glimmer of light. It may be hard to see at first, but eventually you will see. This lesson I have learnt.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
6 months
Today is 6 months since my beautiful baby boy was born.
6 months without him here in my arms.
I still sleep with his blanket every night. It doesn't smell like him anymore, it hasn't for a long time. I just like to have something of him close to me, like he would have been if he was here.
I think about him constantly. We talk about him all the time. He drops in for a play sometimes.
Just last week, Indi and I were playing and talking (babbling) to each other. Then all of a sudden she said "Owie".
I said "where is Owie? Is he here?"
and she pointed to a space next to me. I cried. She came up and gave me a cuddle.
I love that she can see him. I have to believe she can.
We are going to go and visit him this afternoon, after I get the kids from school.
We are also going to go to visit my older 2 children's 'mummy in heaven' aswell. Today is the 8 yr anniversary of her death. So we are going to get some flowers and go and see them both.
6 months without him here in my arms.
I still sleep with his blanket every night. It doesn't smell like him anymore, it hasn't for a long time. I just like to have something of him close to me, like he would have been if he was here.
I think about him constantly. We talk about him all the time. He drops in for a play sometimes.
Just last week, Indi and I were playing and talking (babbling) to each other. Then all of a sudden she said "Owie".
I said "where is Owie? Is he here?"
and she pointed to a space next to me. I cried. She came up and gave me a cuddle.
I love that she can see him. I have to believe she can.
We are going to go and visit him this afternoon, after I get the kids from school.
We are also going to go to visit my older 2 children's 'mummy in heaven' aswell. Today is the 8 yr anniversary of her death. So we are going to get some flowers and go and see them both.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Wanting the positives
I know I have been pretty quiet so far this year.
I want to be positive this year. It's going to be a great year. I am looking forward to it.
I know Owen wouldn't want me to be so sad anymore. I miss him everyday and often think of him or even talk to him. Indi and I say nitey nite and hello at her sleep times. We walk past a collage of photos of him on the way to her bedroom. She blow's him a kids and says "lub you Owie".
I think he is here helping his mummy at the moment, and I love him for helping me to try to live again. I will get thru this pain and make him proud of me.
I want to be positive this year. It's going to be a great year. I am looking forward to it.
I know Owen wouldn't want me to be so sad anymore. I miss him everyday and often think of him or even talk to him. Indi and I say nitey nite and hello at her sleep times. We walk past a collage of photos of him on the way to her bedroom. She blow's him a kids and says "lub you Owie".
I think he is here helping his mummy at the moment, and I love him for helping me to try to live again. I will get thru this pain and make him proud of me.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Case of the crazies
I think I am having a case of the crazies...
I was sitting here on my computer this afternoon.. All was quiet, now one was around, and then all of a sudden, Indi's jumping zebra started going off.. Now this particular toy NEVER goes of unless someone touches it. No one was here. Just me, and I wasn't near it, I actually had my back to it.
I think maybe Owen was here playing behind me, while I was working and Indi was in bed. Do you think it's possible or am I just sounding more crazier by the day.
I was sitting here on my computer this afternoon.. All was quiet, now one was around, and then all of a sudden, Indi's jumping zebra started going off.. Now this particular toy NEVER goes of unless someone touches it. No one was here. Just me, and I wasn't near it, I actually had my back to it.
I think maybe Owen was here playing behind me, while I was working and Indi was in bed. Do you think it's possible or am I just sounding more crazier by the day.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Missing Out
This is going to sound so silly, but I just have to get it out...
I was just sitting here watching a movie.. and a thought occured to me. I will never see Owen fall in love, I will never see him marry the love of his life, I will never see him have his own children and become a father.
I've always thought about the now that I will be missing. Never getting anymore cuddles, never to hear his first words, I never heard what his voice sounded like because I never got to hear that first cry. I'll never get to see him play with his brothers and sisters. But tonight watching the movies. It all occured to me that it's not just the "now" that I'm missing, I'm going to be missing it all.
It sounds so silly doesn't it. I can't believe this thought never went thru my mind before.
I was just sitting here watching a movie.. and a thought occured to me. I will never see Owen fall in love, I will never see him marry the love of his life, I will never see him have his own children and become a father.
I've always thought about the now that I will be missing. Never getting anymore cuddles, never to hear his first words, I never heard what his voice sounded like because I never got to hear that first cry. I'll never get to see him play with his brothers and sisters. But tonight watching the movies. It all occured to me that it's not just the "now" that I'm missing, I'm going to be missing it all.
It sounds so silly doesn't it. I can't believe this thought never went thru my mind before.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Not a happy christmas this year
It's been so hard to get thru this Christmas and it's not even over yet. I have retreated to just sitting in "my corner" again. I have cried myself to sleep. Usually every christmas I am the crazy happy one, getting right into it with the kids and having fun. This year I just can't seem to do it.
We had christmas with my husbands family on sunday. What an awful day. The kids had a great time swimming and playing with there cousins. Me on the other hand. I was sad, crying, angry, numb. I went thru all the emotions. I just didn't want to be there. I went and found a quiet place a couple of times. I one point, I even went into the kids room where they were playing and just lied on the bed near them.
And the thing that pissed me off the most. NOBODY mentioned Owen. NOBODY even asked how I am doing.
My heart isn't in it. My heart at the moment, is with Owen. He should be here with his family, in my arms, having a breastfeed, I should be changing newborn nappies. I would have a 4month old. I want all that more than anything...
I want him back. I want this to all go away to just find out that I have been having a really long sleep and having a really bad nightmare.
We had christmas with my husbands family on sunday. What an awful day. The kids had a great time swimming and playing with there cousins. Me on the other hand. I was sad, crying, angry, numb. I went thru all the emotions. I just didn't want to be there. I went and found a quiet place a couple of times. I one point, I even went into the kids room where they were playing and just lied on the bed near them.
And the thing that pissed me off the most. NOBODY mentioned Owen. NOBODY even asked how I am doing.
My heart isn't in it. My heart at the moment, is with Owen. He should be here with his family, in my arms, having a breastfeed, I should be changing newborn nappies. I would have a 4month old. I want all that more than anything...
I want him back. I want this to all go away to just find out that I have been having a really long sleep and having a really bad nightmare.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Can this year get any worse
I recieved a phone call from my dad this morning.
My nana passed away early hours of this morning.
I am feeling a little of everything at the moment. My Pa (nana's husband) died July last year. I was by his bedside when he took his last breath. My nana and Pa mean the world to me. Once he left us, I knew it would be hard for nana without him. They have been together for so long. She has been lost, broken without him. But still to recieve that phone call today, still shocked me at the same time that it didn't. Does that make sense.
I know she is with Pa again and would be so happy to be with him. But it still hurts. I will miss her so much. I miss Pa so much too.
The only comfort I have from her passing at the moment is that Nana and Pa are together again, and hopefully they have found my little Owen and are looking after him.
My nana passed away early hours of this morning.
I am feeling a little of everything at the moment. My Pa (nana's husband) died July last year. I was by his bedside when he took his last breath. My nana and Pa mean the world to me. Once he left us, I knew it would be hard for nana without him. They have been together for so long. She has been lost, broken without him. But still to recieve that phone call today, still shocked me at the same time that it didn't. Does that make sense.
I know she is with Pa again and would be so happy to be with him. But it still hurts. I will miss her so much. I miss Pa so much too.
The only comfort I have from her passing at the moment is that Nana and Pa are together again, and hopefully they have found my little Owen and are looking after him.
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