I wasn’t sure if I was going to write and share our story, because it’s a bit raw for me. But I thought that I may help someone one day, and it’s also a way to help myself as well.
Friday 8th October 2010.
Tightenings started coming very infrequently that I hardly noticed and just continued on my day. I had had this happen a few times at the end of the pregnancy, so much so at 39wks I thought things were happening. Just put it down to more Braxton hicks and thought nothing more. I went for a walk in the afternoon in the rain. Was such a lovely walk. Walking under the umbrella. Everything smelt so fresh and new.
Saturday 9th October 2010 – 1am (my due date)
Things are happening.
I felt weird all day. Felt lost in a way. I was walking around just trying to find things to do. Very restless. I was exhausted, as the night before I was up every 2 hrs for toilet breaks.
Come Saturday afternoon/evening, surges started happening, and really happening. Right from the word go, they were 1min – 1min 30+ in length, and were 3-9mins apart. I had decided to time them a little on my iphone to see what was going on. This could be it, I remember thinking. The surges were so intense, and where in my back also. I remember struggling to get my groove happening as they just really took my breath away this time. (with Owen’s labor, I think because they started out short and spread out more, I was eased into it… Not this time).
All thru the night I worked thru the surges. There were anywhere from 3mins apart to 9mins apart and always 1min+. Surely things would have to start happening soon.
I got no rest as all night they didn’t stop at all.
Sunday 10th October 2010
5am – by morning they were still happening, so I thought I would go downstairs and have some breakfast to keep my energy up, before coming back up stairs and seeing if I can rest.
I didn’t get much rest. I tried between surges, but it just wasn’t happening for me. I stayed upstairs in my nest and rested when I could.
Sunday night, surges ramped up again, 3-15mins apart 1min+ long. Still intense, still in my back and in my front. This continued all night.
I think the most frustrating thing was I was having “contractions” like you would in active labor, but, my labor wasn’t becoming regular. I would go for an hour+ at 3-4 mins apart, then they would slow back to longer gaps (but never more then 15mins apart). There was just no rhyme or rhythm to it.
Sunday again was spent the same as Saturday.
This continued thru the night, no rest, no sleep, just constant. I was starting to loose it a little by now too. I had a break down to my husband. Looking back, I think this is where fear started edging its way in. Not to mention I was just exhausted after days on no sleep.
Monday 11th October 2010
My husband (bless him) took the day off work, as things were still happening the way they had been for the last few days.
I had been speaking to my midwife all along, and she had popped over to check on bub and me (living around the corner from her is great). She suggested filling the pool. It would either help relax me and get things moving or slow things a little and maybe I could get a little rest.
I filled the pool and would occasionally jump in for a while, if only to get some rest, resting on the bed and up on all fours or leaning over my bed was a favourite position when surges came. I couldn’t stand thru them. I was also worried about using the shower all the time in case the hot water ran out and I needed it later.
The pool was beautiful, I could rest a little with my head on the side in between at times. It was raining outside, and I would just lie in there and watch the rain, before jumping out for a while and doing other things to keep my mind off things. But again, surges were so intense they would stop me in my tracks and I would have to breath thru them.. there was no walking thru them, that’s for sure.
By Monday afternoon, I had a complete breakdown. I felt weak, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t understand why things weren’t progressing. My midwife called and I cried and cried on the phone to her. I was worried about what was happening and I couldn’t see any further then where I was.
Fear…. Between surges even though I had just felt flitterbub move, I would think “OMG, has bubby moved”, and would be jiggling and poking my belly to get movement. Of course I did every time, but my mind was starting to worry.
I began thinking about Owen a lot, and his labor and birth. If my labor and birth with him could be so beautiful, easy and straight forward, and he was alive right until he was born. What’s going to happen to this baby with all the irregularity.
We decided to see what happened, so I continued on thru the surges. I decided to go back downstairs and try to ignore things and go about my afternoon. Although I tried, I couldn’t when the surges came. I did stop watching the clock though and just went about my business..
7pm Monday night.
I lost it. I was so worried something was going to happen to this baby. I couldn’t see past it. I spoke to hubby and we talking about our options. As much as I wanted a VBA2C again, I couldn’t get my head off “what if something happened to this baby”. It would be my fault. Even though baby was fine, healthy, strong heartbeat, lots of movement, and physically everything was ok with me too. But I just couldn’t stop. I was terrified.
My midwife came over and we spoke some more. She asked me what I wanted. I said “I just want my baby in my arms, I want to know it’s ok. I can’t loose another baby”.
It was asked if I wanted to go to hospital to have my waters broken or something first. I didn’t want to put that distress on my baby and end up with a c-section anyway. So I decided that I would have a c-section.
9.30pm - I rang my counselor’s from the hospital, and spoke to her about what had been happening, was happening, my choices and my decision. We spoke in length about it all to make sure I was ok with it all (in between surges).
She then called the hospital and organized everything for us.
11.45pm – we left home for the hospital. I had my heat pack with me as I knew sitting up in the car wouldn’t be comfortable for the trip in. It was still raining.
Tuesday 12th October 2010
12.30am – monitoring of bubs and getting me ready for surgery. I was walked (slowly) to theatre. Surges had not stopped and where still the same.
2.48am – Tabitha Mae was born. She was lifted up and I got to see her being born. I asked that no one say if she was a boy or a girl, and for us to find out ourselves. “SHE’S A GIRL… is she ok? Is my baby ok? Is she ok?” yes, she’s perfect.
“is she ok” was all I could say. Even though I could hear her, I couldn’t stop asking.
We got skin to skin as soon as possible. She is perfect, and she’s ok. She’s here.
She weighed 3.9kg or 8lb 13oz, 53cm long and 35cm head.
The cord appeared to be wrapped around her neck a couple of times and I think it was around her leg as well, looking at the pictures we have.
She had her eyes closed from the moment she was born and didn’t open them until I was wheeled into recovery and after hearing my voice. In recovery we got more skin to skin time which was just beautiful. I couldn’t stop looking at her. I let her find her own way to my breast, and she latched on all by herself. What an amazing thing to watch. Since then, she hasn’t stopped. LOL..
I don’t want people to misunderstand me. I am deeply happy that my baby girl is here safely in my arms. It’s just coming to terms with my decisions after the fact. I know now, that I was lead by fear and that’s ok. All I wanted was for Tabitha to be safe and sound and in my arms.
Maybe one day, someone will read this that has lost a child at birth and maybe, just maybe, I may help with my story.
Miss Tabitha Mae
