Welcoming our baby girl into the world

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write and share our story, because it’s a bit raw for me. But I thought that I may help someone one day, and it’s also a way to help myself as well. 

Friday 8^th October 2010.

Tightenings started coming very infrequently that I hardly noticed and just continued on my day. I had had this happen a few times at the end of the pregnancy, so much so at 39wks I thought things were happening.  Just put it down to more Braxton hicks and thought nothing more. I went for a walk in the afternoon in the rain. Was such a lovely walk. Walking under the umbrella. Everything smelt so fresh and new.

Saturday 9^th October 2010 – 1am (my due date)

Things are happening.

I felt weird all day. Felt lost in a way. I was walking around just trying to find things to do. Very restless. I was exhausted, as the night before I was up every 2 hrs for toilet breaks.

Come Saturday afternoon/evening, surges started happening, and really happening. Right from the word go, they were 1min – 1min 30+  in length, and were 3-9mins apart. I had decided to time them a little on my iphone to see what was going on. This could be it, I remember thinking.  The surges were so intense, and where in my back also. I remember struggling to get my groove happening as they just really took my breath away this time. (with Owen’s labor, I think because they started out short and spread out more, I was eased into it… Not this time).

All thru the night I worked thru the surges. There were anywhere from 3mins apart to 9mins apart and always 1min+. Surely things would have to start happening soon.

I got no rest as all night they didn’t stop at all.

Sunday 10^th October 2010

5am – by morning they were still happening, so I thought I would go downstairs and have some breakfast to keep my energy up, before coming back up stairs and seeing if I can rest.

I didn’t get much rest. I tried between surges, but it just wasn’t happening for me. I stayed upstairs in my nest and rested when I could.

Sunday night, surges ramped up again, 3-15mins apart 1min+ long.  Still intense, still in my back and in my front. This continued all night.

I think the most frustrating thing was I was having “contractions” like you would in active labor, but, my labor wasn’t becoming regular. I would go for an hour+ at 3-4 mins apart, then they would slow back to longer gaps (but never more then 15mins apart). There was just no rhyme or rhythm to it.

Sunday again was spent the same as Saturday.

This continued thru the night, no rest, no sleep, just constant. I was starting to loose it a little by now too. I had a break down to my husband. Looking back, I think this is where fear started edging its way in. Not to mention I was just exhausted after days on no sleep.

Monday 11^th October 2010

My husband (bless him) took the day off work, as things were still happening the way they had been for the last few days.

I had been speaking to my midwife all along, and she had popped over to check on bub and me (living around the corner from her is great). She suggested filling the pool. It would either help relax me and get things moving or slow things a little and maybe I could get a little rest.

I filled the pool and would occasionally jump in for a while, if only to get some rest, resting on the bed and up on all fours or leaning over my bed was a favourite position when surges came. I couldn’t stand thru them. I was also worried about using the shower all the time in case the hot water ran out and I needed it later.

The pool was beautiful, I could rest a little with my head on the side in between at times. It was raining outside, and I would just lie in there and watch the rain, before jumping out for a while and doing other things to keep my mind off things.  But again, surges were so intense they would stop me in my tracks and I would have to breath thru them.. there was no walking thru them, that’s for sure.

By Monday afternoon, I had a complete breakdown. I felt weak, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t understand why things weren’t progressing. My midwife called and I cried and cried on the phone to her. I was worried about what was happening and I couldn’t see any further then where I was.

Fear…. Between surges even though I had just felt flitterbub move, I would think “OMG, has bubby moved”, and would be jiggling and poking my belly to get movement. Of course I did every time, but my mind was starting to worry.

I began thinking about Owen a lot, and his labor and birth. If my labor and birth with him could be so beautiful, easy and straight forward, and he was alive right until he was born. What’s going to happen to this baby with all the irregularity.

We decided to see what happened, so I continued on thru the surges. I decided to go back downstairs and try to ignore things and go about my afternoon. Although I tried, I couldn’t when the surges came. I did stop watching the clock though and just went about my business..

7pm Monday night.

I lost it. I was so worried something was going to happen to this baby. I couldn’t see past it. I spoke to hubby and we talking about our options. As much as I wanted a VBA2C again, I couldn’t get my head off “what if something happened to this baby”. It would be my fault. Even though baby was fine, healthy, strong heartbeat, lots of movement, and physically everything was ok with me too. But I just couldn’t stop. I was terrified.

My midwife came over and we spoke some more. She asked me what I wanted. I said “I just want my baby in my arms, I want to know it’s ok. I can’t loose another baby”.

It was asked if I wanted to go to hospital to have my waters broken or something first. I didn’t want to put that distress on my baby and end up with a c-section anyway. So I decided that I would have a c-section.

9.30pm - I rang my counselor’s from the hospital, and spoke to her about what had been happening, was happening, my choices and my decision.  We spoke in length about it all to make sure I was ok with it all (in between surges).

She then called the hospital and organized everything for us.

11.45pm – we left home for the hospital.  I had my heat pack with me as I knew sitting up in the car wouldn’t be comfortable for the trip in. It was still raining.

Tuesday 12^th October 2010

12.30am – monitoring of bubs and getting me ready for surgery. I was walked (slowly) to theatre. Surges had not stopped and where still the same.

2.48am – Tabitha Mae was born. She was lifted up and I got to see her being born. I asked that no one say if she was a boy or a girl, and for us to find out ourselves. “SHE’S A GIRL…  is she ok? Is my baby ok? Is she ok?” yes, she’s perfect.

“is she ok” was all I could say. Even though I could hear her, I couldn’t stop asking.

We got skin to skin as soon as possible. She is perfect, and she’s ok. She’s here.

She weighed 3.9kg or 8lb 13oz, 53cm long and 35cm head.

The cord appeared to be wrapped around her neck a couple of times and I think it was around her leg as well, looking at the pictures we have.

She had her eyes closed from the moment she was born and didn’t open them until I was wheeled into recovery and after hearing my voice. In recovery we got more skin to skin time which was just beautiful. I couldn’t stop looking at her. I let her find her own way to my breast, and she latched on all by herself. What an amazing thing to watch. Since then, she hasn’t stopped. LOL..

I don’t want people to misunderstand me. I am deeply happy that my baby girl is here safely in my arms. It’s just coming to terms with my decisions after the fact. I know now, that I was lead by fear and that’s ok. All I wanted was for Tabitha to be safe and sound and in my arms.  

Maybe one day, someone will read this that has lost a child at birth and maybe, just maybe, I may help with my story. 

Miss Tabitha Mae

Beautiful Dreaming

I had THE most beautiful dream last night, and I just wanted to share. 

I dreamt that I was in labour and hubby and my midwife were there. I was so so quiet and just going thru my surges and just LOVING being in labour and knowing I would be meeting our flitterbub soon. 

Everything was so beautiful and peaceful (we were outside, not sure why). All of a sudden we decide to move somewhere else so I can birth bubby into the world. 

As we were walking I started getting the urge to push. After pushing and not liking it last time (I did hypnobirthing, and pushing is not what I learnt), I remembered to just 'breathe the baby down'. So we are walking and I am breathing bub down (not sure how this would happen IRL, but hey, it's my dream.. haha). As I'm walking my midwife says, "Melissa, put your hands down and receive your baby". 

So I did, and there was our baby. I pulled baby up to my chest, and had a cuddle. So beautiful. Bubby was healthy, in my arms, breathing and just gorgeous.

I checked to see what it was (we haven't found out), and we had a girl. I even got her name. She was so so sooooo beautiful..

Such a lovely way to wake up.

22wks and choices.

Here we are. Flitterbub and I at about 22ish weeks.

I had the opportunity to go out with girlfriends to an early movie and dinner on Sunday, so thought while I was all dressed up to get a picture.

I'm having a freak out week. I'm worried.. There has been alot of stress in our life and I hope that baby is ok. Infact if I am being perfectly honest, this last year has been the absolute WORST of my life. What could go wrong did go wrong. I only hope that we can go up from here. That's the way it's suppose to go isn't it?

 Bub is still kicking and moving and doing everything normally. So I know it's ok, but I can't help but worry.

I've been asked by one of my lovely friends, if Owen's birth has changed the way we want to birth this bub?

I have to say for me, no not really. If I could, I would do everything the way I wanted to last time. My husband on the other hand is worried/afraid. And I can totally see why he would be. But for me, being at home is where I am comfortable. But, we came to a compromise that we are both happy with. So we are happy. The plan will be to labour at home as long as possible and then go to hospital. The beauty of having our independen midwife is that this is good for us and she will be with us every step of the way, making sure everything is ok. I mean, afterall, this is what most women want and do anyway, so why should we have to do things differently.

The only thing that will be really different is the option to go beyond 42wks. That will not happen. I think we would freak out abit as well as those around us. This is mainly the reason why no one knows my actual EDD. I don't need the extra stress and nuisance of constant nagging of "have you had that baby yet" etc etc.. I'm sure alot know what I am talking about. The only people who know our EDD is us, our midwife and the hospital.

Some might be wondering if I will be going to the same hospital as where Owen was born. Simple answer. I'm not sure. I have left my options open and am booked in there, but I am also booked into another closer hospital as well. It's mainly going to come down to making the decision at the time. At this point in time. I'm not sure that I will be able to go back there. It's hard enough to go for the occasional appointments that we have. Luckily for me, both hospitals are happy for me to see my midwife at home for all of my pre natal care and I see them later in the pregnancy.

happy happy happy.. :)

Owen's journey Earthside

Where to start? I have no idea. This is the first time I have ever had a blog or even contemplated having one.

I thought maybe starting a blog may help me heal. To get my thoughts and feelings down. And maybe there are others out there going thru what I am or will do in the future (not that I wish it on anyone).

My story started just over 3 weeks ago. I was pregnant with our 5th child. I was 43wks + 2 days pregnant. All was well and bubby was happy and healthy as all scans and monitoring had pointed too. We were planning a beautiful and peaceful Homebirth.

A quick run down.

On friday 7th August 2009, my labour was starting, all by itself. (after having 2 previous c-sections I was overjoyed that my body was doing this). Surges were coming every hr or more, and I was stoked. They continued and went into the night getting closer. YAY!!

Saturday 8th August 2009. This is it. Surges were coming regularly and closer together. My baby was making it's way to us. I laboured all day, having showers when needed. at 11am, the birth pool was getting filled and I was ready for a swim.

In and out of the pool all day whilst having surges. I was in my element. Being surrounded by my husband, my best friend and our midwives. My youngest daughter was coming in and out of the room, checking out the going ons. It truly was a beautiful time. Labouring in my pool with the support that I needed... I can do this... I AM doing this...

At about 10pm, it was noticed that bubs heartrate had decreased. We decided it was safest and best to transfer to hospital. I was also checked at this point and was found to be 7cm dialated. My midwife called the ambulance and the hospital to let them know what was happening and we were coming in. In this time I was lying on the floor, and all of a sudden I was pushing. It was probably about 20mins that I went from 7cm to fully dialated. I didn't even realise. I pushed all the way to hospital (at one point my midwife thought bub would be born in the ambulance).

My beautiful little Owen Edward was born sleeping at 11.42pm on Saturday 8th August 2009, weighing 7lb 5oz. We had a baby boy.

Owen was born without a heartbeat. I am still in shock and finding it hard to come to terms with as they monitored him with the doppler just before he was born and did have a heart beat, and then to be born without one at all. There are no words......

My babies all together

My beautiful baby boy. We will never forget you and I will love you for always. Mummy and Daddy miss you so much, as do your brothers and sisters. We talk about you and I know that as time moves on and our healing continues we will be able to talk about you more and more. My heart aches knowing you couldn't stay with us here on earth, but I know you are with us all for now and always.

I love you my little Owen. xxxxxxx