Welcoming our baby girl into the world

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write and share our story, because it’s a bit raw for me. But I thought that I may help someone one day, and it’s also a way to help myself as well. 

Friday 8^th October 2010.

Tightenings started coming very infrequently that I hardly noticed and just continued on my day. I had had this happen a few times at the end of the pregnancy, so much so at 39wks I thought things were happening.  Just put it down to more Braxton hicks and thought nothing more. I went for a walk in the afternoon in the rain. Was such a lovely walk. Walking under the umbrella. Everything smelt so fresh and new.

Saturday 9^th October 2010 – 1am (my due date)

Things are happening.

I felt weird all day. Felt lost in a way. I was walking around just trying to find things to do. Very restless. I was exhausted, as the night before I was up every 2 hrs for toilet breaks.

Come Saturday afternoon/evening, surges started happening, and really happening. Right from the word go, they were 1min – 1min 30+  in length, and were 3-9mins apart. I had decided to time them a little on my iphone to see what was going on. This could be it, I remember thinking.  The surges were so intense, and where in my back also. I remember struggling to get my groove happening as they just really took my breath away this time. (with Owen’s labor, I think because they started out short and spread out more, I was eased into it… Not this time).

All thru the night I worked thru the surges. There were anywhere from 3mins apart to 9mins apart and always 1min+. Surely things would have to start happening soon.

I got no rest as all night they didn’t stop at all.

Sunday 10^th October 2010

5am – by morning they were still happening, so I thought I would go downstairs and have some breakfast to keep my energy up, before coming back up stairs and seeing if I can rest.

I didn’t get much rest. I tried between surges, but it just wasn’t happening for me. I stayed upstairs in my nest and rested when I could.

Sunday night, surges ramped up again, 3-15mins apart 1min+ long.  Still intense, still in my back and in my front. This continued all night.

I think the most frustrating thing was I was having “contractions” like you would in active labor, but, my labor wasn’t becoming regular. I would go for an hour+ at 3-4 mins apart, then they would slow back to longer gaps (but never more then 15mins apart). There was just no rhyme or rhythm to it.

Sunday again was spent the same as Saturday.

This continued thru the night, no rest, no sleep, just constant. I was starting to loose it a little by now too. I had a break down to my husband. Looking back, I think this is where fear started edging its way in. Not to mention I was just exhausted after days on no sleep.

Monday 11^th October 2010

My husband (bless him) took the day off work, as things were still happening the way they had been for the last few days.

I had been speaking to my midwife all along, and she had popped over to check on bub and me (living around the corner from her is great). She suggested filling the pool. It would either help relax me and get things moving or slow things a little and maybe I could get a little rest.

I filled the pool and would occasionally jump in for a while, if only to get some rest, resting on the bed and up on all fours or leaning over my bed was a favourite position when surges came. I couldn’t stand thru them. I was also worried about using the shower all the time in case the hot water ran out and I needed it later.

The pool was beautiful, I could rest a little with my head on the side in between at times. It was raining outside, and I would just lie in there and watch the rain, before jumping out for a while and doing other things to keep my mind off things.  But again, surges were so intense they would stop me in my tracks and I would have to breath thru them.. there was no walking thru them, that’s for sure.

By Monday afternoon, I had a complete breakdown. I felt weak, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t understand why things weren’t progressing. My midwife called and I cried and cried on the phone to her. I was worried about what was happening and I couldn’t see any further then where I was.

Fear…. Between surges even though I had just felt flitterbub move, I would think “OMG, has bubby moved”, and would be jiggling and poking my belly to get movement. Of course I did every time, but my mind was starting to worry.

I began thinking about Owen a lot, and his labor and birth. If my labor and birth with him could be so beautiful, easy and straight forward, and he was alive right until he was born. What’s going to happen to this baby with all the irregularity.

We decided to see what happened, so I continued on thru the surges. I decided to go back downstairs and try to ignore things and go about my afternoon. Although I tried, I couldn’t when the surges came. I did stop watching the clock though and just went about my business..

7pm Monday night.

I lost it. I was so worried something was going to happen to this baby. I couldn’t see past it. I spoke to hubby and we talking about our options. As much as I wanted a VBA2C again, I couldn’t get my head off “what if something happened to this baby”. It would be my fault. Even though baby was fine, healthy, strong heartbeat, lots of movement, and physically everything was ok with me too. But I just couldn’t stop. I was terrified.

My midwife came over and we spoke some more. She asked me what I wanted. I said “I just want my baby in my arms, I want to know it’s ok. I can’t loose another baby”.

It was asked if I wanted to go to hospital to have my waters broken or something first. I didn’t want to put that distress on my baby and end up with a c-section anyway. So I decided that I would have a c-section.

9.30pm - I rang my counselor’s from the hospital, and spoke to her about what had been happening, was happening, my choices and my decision.  We spoke in length about it all to make sure I was ok with it all (in between surges).

She then called the hospital and organized everything for us.

11.45pm – we left home for the hospital.  I had my heat pack with me as I knew sitting up in the car wouldn’t be comfortable for the trip in. It was still raining.

Tuesday 12^th October 2010

12.30am – monitoring of bubs and getting me ready for surgery. I was walked (slowly) to theatre. Surges had not stopped and where still the same.

2.48am – Tabitha Mae was born. She was lifted up and I got to see her being born. I asked that no one say if she was a boy or a girl, and for us to find out ourselves. “SHE’S A GIRL…  is she ok? Is my baby ok? Is she ok?” yes, she’s perfect.

“is she ok” was all I could say. Even though I could hear her, I couldn’t stop asking.

We got skin to skin as soon as possible. She is perfect, and she’s ok. She’s here.

She weighed 3.9kg or 8lb 13oz, 53cm long and 35cm head.

The cord appeared to be wrapped around her neck a couple of times and I think it was around her leg as well, looking at the pictures we have.

She had her eyes closed from the moment she was born and didn’t open them until I was wheeled into recovery and after hearing my voice. In recovery we got more skin to skin time which was just beautiful. I couldn’t stop looking at her. I let her find her own way to my breast, and she latched on all by herself. What an amazing thing to watch. Since then, she hasn’t stopped. LOL..

I don’t want people to misunderstand me. I am deeply happy that my baby girl is here safely in my arms. It’s just coming to terms with my decisions after the fact. I know now, that I was lead by fear and that’s ok. All I wanted was for Tabitha to be safe and sound and in my arms.  

Maybe one day, someone will read this that has lost a child at birth and maybe, just maybe, I may help with my story. 

Miss Tabitha Mae

IT'S A GIRL

On Tuesday the 12th October 2010, at 02.48am, we welcomed our baby girl into the world.

Tabitha Mae arrived healthy, pink, a little squeal and breathing.

My heart felt like it was going to explode. Even though I could hear her, I kept asking "is she ok, is she ok".

Everything is going well.. She's so gorgeous and her brothers and sisters just adore her.

I'm just so so happy to have her here, safely in my arms..

Meltdown

Why is it, with any other pregnancy I was not fazed by my EDD.

This time, I am not even there yet, and I am already having a meltdown.

Yes, that's right. Yesterday I was a scary, crazy, over hormonal women. I was all over the place. I was so cranky. The kids drove me up the wall, mum this, mum that, homework, taking my little one to the toilet, bath time, trying to cook dinner, husband was working late. I just wanted a break. I just wanted to stop thinking and just be.

Bed time couldn't come quick enough. For the kids and for me really.

My husband came to bed with me, and I lost it. It was too much.. I sobbed. He asked what was wrong.. "I'm frustrated". With me, he asked :(  , NO, with my body. I really thought I would go early this time. I thought perhaps the universe would be on our side for a change, and give me this. Let me go early.

Perhaps, this is my lesson.. Another lesson in patience. That no matter what has happened or is happening we still need patience.

As I was trying to drift of to sleep. I made the decision. Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow will be a beautiful day. No more timing braxton hicks, no more clock watching. I have a strong baby, it's just waiting. My baby know's its birthday, its' just waiting for the day to come to share it with us.

So if baby can wait and be patient, then I am going to try to do the same thing. I can do that...... I think.... :)

Waiting

Still here.. waiting for our flitterbub to arrive...

I haven't reached my EDD yet. I bet you think I'm so silly to be even writing this when I haven't seen that date float by yet. I just really thought I would go early this time. Even though I have always gone overdue in previous pregnancies.. I guess, I just wanted to go early aswell.
To not have to worry.
To not have to stress.
To not have a time limit placed on me.
To surprise everyone.

I know baby knows it's birthday already. I just hope it's soon. But in the meantime, I need to try to relax.. Go with this ride like I did last time.

My Blessingway..

So, Sunday just gone. My sister and my mum held a blessingway for me.

It was such a gorgeous day. After the week we had been having here. Days overcast, and raining on and off. The Sun was out in full force and was such a glorious day.

I had just a few women come over who I hold close to me to form our women circle.

When I first mentioned a blessingway to my sister and that I would like one instead of a baby shower, she had no idea what I was talking about. I just told her I wanted those close to me there, and it was a way to be blessed by them, gain there strength and support for the upcoming birth of our flitterbub.

She went beyond this.

First of all she asked everyone to bring a candle and right a personal message from them to me. I asked that I not see these, as my thoughts are. When labour starts, I want to go to the box she placed them all in, and just select one. Not based on who it's from. So, once labour starts, and I get a surge/tightening, I will select a candle, light it and read the message. I will do this everytime I have a surge until they are all lit.

She then had a special candle in the middle of the table and got my birthing beads off me (I have been wearing these ever since I got them), and blessed them. As well as this, there were cards scattered around the candle and beads, and in each card was a word. The girls would place then hands over my beads, pick up a card, read it aloud and then make a wish.

We then did a wrist binding with everyone. My sister bound each of our wrists together in a circle. When the binding was happening the person would say a word they wish for me (eg, protection, strength etc). Once we were all binded, before the string was cut and negative word was said, for me to release. Release from my fears, gain strength and power.
The string was then plated for me to hold during labour or wear. Whatever I feel comfortable with.

I also read out a poem called "Willow tree". Such a poem that totally relates to me and where I am at.

And as another surprise, my god son, wanted to do something special for me. So he wrote me a poem. It was so so beautiful, was so hard to hold back the tears.

The night before, I had henna done on my belly. The lady wasn't able to come to the blessingway due to other commitments, so came to our house. I LOVE my henna..

my sister even got a turn of doing henna on my belly.. in the pic above :)

this is what it looked like all finished.

and the day after at my blessingway.

Such a beautiful day. I do feel truely blessed, love and supported..

Now.... we wait... 

Waiting

I'm so tired. I'm so ready. Ready to meet our baby. Ready to have our baby in my arms. Safely, healthy.. I'm ready.

I feeling quite put out today. I'm not sure what it is. I feel a bit off. I'm really, really tired. To the point where I can barely keep my eyes open. It's school holidays and I have just had it.. lol

I keep looking at any little sign. Wishing. Hoping, it's my turn. I know baby will come when it's ready, but to be honest. I would be a whole lot more comfortable and at ease if it would come earlier then later. 

No pressure of course baby, but mummy it SO ready to meet you now. 

I had my blessingway yesterday. I will have to come back to write about it, but I will say. It was a truely beautiful day. 

xxxxxx

How am I doing?

Well, the time is coming very close now. 

I'm 37wks. I can't believe it. This pregnancy really has seemed to have just flown by.. One minute I'm sitting there thinking I have all the time in the world. Then I stop. I think about it. "oh crap, it's here".

How am I doing?

I guess that depends on the day. Somedays I am good, actually most days I am good. I feel good, bubby feels good. I'm just pottering along enjoying everything. 

But then, I have one of 'those' days. 

Like yesterday. I was sad, angry, depressed, felt panic'd, anxious. I'm trying to stop the 'what if's' on these days. I have to believe everything will be ok. We will be ok. I WILL have a happy, healthy, breathing baby at the end of our labour. Bub will simply slide out, peacefully earthside, I will recieve bub, bring bubby up to me and just breath it in and enjoy. I HAVE to believe this will happen. I am visualizing away. 

It's going to be amazing and I can't wait for the warm yummy cuddles. 

Facing my Fears

On friday just gone, I had an appointment with the head OB at the hospital I had Owen in, as this is a possible hospital option for me this time. I am making that decision when I go into labour. 

Anyway, the appointment was ok, although the OB that I am 'only' suppose to see was away, so was a waste of time, not to mention the lecture I got all over again, AND the fact that she hadn't even read my notes in my chart, so had no idea about Owen.. 

But anyway, I then had my appointment after with my bereavement midwife. We worked on my hospital birth plan, and then also went down to the birthing suites to have a look around and see how I go. This is one of the main factors in my going to this hospital. Can I do it?

She asked if I knew what room, I had Owen in. I said 'no, but would like to see it, I need to see it'. As soon as we got down there I knew which room it was. I was fully expecting a break down, and so was she. I walked in and remembered everything.

I saw the bed I birthed him on. I saw the table they used to try to bring him back to life. The chair I sat in after my shower and held my baby boy so close crying, shocked. Where the minister sat to baptise our baby boy. Where my husband bathed our son for the first and last time.

With all of this flooding back to me. I was ok. I am ok. Don't get me wrong I miss him terribly, and it was sad being in there again. But I think I'm ok.

It will still be a choice I make when the time is right and my baby and my body go into labour, but 'if' I choose to go there. I can do it. I will birth my baby and have some different memories for this child.

Beautiful Dreaming

I had THE most beautiful dream last night, and I just wanted to share. 

I dreamt that I was in labour and hubby and my midwife were there. I was so so quiet and just going thru my surges and just LOVING being in labour and knowing I would be meeting our flitterbub soon. 

Everything was so beautiful and peaceful (we were outside, not sure why). All of a sudden we decide to move somewhere else so I can birth bubby into the world. 

As we were walking I started getting the urge to push. After pushing and not liking it last time (I did hypnobirthing, and pushing is not what I learnt), I remembered to just 'breathe the baby down'. So we are walking and I am breathing bub down (not sure how this would happen IRL, but hey, it's my dream.. haha). As I'm walking my midwife says, "Melissa, put your hands down and receive your baby". 

So I did, and there was our baby. I pulled baby up to my chest, and had a cuddle. So beautiful. Bubby was healthy, in my arms, breathing and just gorgeous.

I checked to see what it was (we haven't found out), and we had a girl. I even got her name. She was so so sooooo beautiful..

Such a lovely way to wake up.

Our flitterbub

Between all that is going on with the lead up to Owen's birthday, I wanted to also talk about our flitterbub..

I am nearing 29wks now, and feeling ok. We had a scan on monday, we were asked to have this scan to check on bubs growth and well being just to make sure everything was ok after loosing Owen. I have never had another scan again after the 20wk scan, so I was a little nervous the night before and the morning of.

The scan went well. We had the head technician come in and do it for us. He is aware of loosing Owen last year, so he was very thorough and told us what he was doing as he was doing it. He's so down to earth and really put us at ease.

Flitterbub is happy and healthy and kicking around. Funnily enough, bub's feet are down near it's head.

As you can see on the pic. :)




Was funny when the scanner was trying to get in to show us bubs face and get some pictures, cause all we could keep seeing was feet or hands over it's face. But we finally got one.







Bub is head down, so hopefully stays that way.


Apart from that, I am doing ok. Sleep is pretty hit and miss, actually more miss then hit lately, but eh, you get that.

22wks and choices.

Here we are. Flitterbub and I at about 22ish weeks.

I had the opportunity to go out with girlfriends to an early movie and dinner on Sunday, so thought while I was all dressed up to get a picture.

I'm having a freak out week. I'm worried.. There has been alot of stress in our life and I hope that baby is ok. Infact if I am being perfectly honest, this last year has been the absolute WORST of my life. What could go wrong did go wrong. I only hope that we can go up from here. That's the way it's suppose to go isn't it?

 Bub is still kicking and moving and doing everything normally. So I know it's ok, but I can't help but worry.

I've been asked by one of my lovely friends, if Owen's birth has changed the way we want to birth this bub?

I have to say for me, no not really. If I could, I would do everything the way I wanted to last time. My husband on the other hand is worried/afraid. And I can totally see why he would be. But for me, being at home is where I am comfortable. But, we came to a compromise that we are both happy with. So we are happy. The plan will be to labour at home as long as possible and then go to hospital. The beauty of having our independen midwife is that this is good for us and she will be with us every step of the way, making sure everything is ok. I mean, afterall, this is what most women want and do anyway, so why should we have to do things differently.

The only thing that will be really different is the option to go beyond 42wks. That will not happen. I think we would freak out abit as well as those around us. This is mainly the reason why no one knows my actual EDD. I don't need the extra stress and nuisance of constant nagging of "have you had that baby yet" etc etc.. I'm sure alot know what I am talking about. The only people who know our EDD is us, our midwife and the hospital.

Some might be wondering if I will be going to the same hospital as where Owen was born. Simple answer. I'm not sure. I have left my options open and am booked in there, but I am also booked into another closer hospital as well. It's mainly going to come down to making the decision at the time. At this point in time. I'm not sure that I will be able to go back there. It's hard enough to go for the occasional appointments that we have. Luckily for me, both hospitals are happy for me to see my midwife at home for all of my pre natal care and I see them later in the pregnancy.

happy happy happy.. :)