One of those weeks....

I'm having one of those weeks..

You know the ones I'm talking about..

I'm not sleeping. It's not because I'm getting up a million times a night or anything, because I'm not. In fact. I don't need to go at all during the night.. Lucky I know.

It's more that I keep having dreams/nightmares. I can't help my mind from wandering. I come up with all different scenarios that could happen.. From little things being wrong with our baby, to loosing another child.

I'm moody. I'm emotional. I'm fighting with my husband. I'm angry. I dont' want to go out. I don't really want to see people. I feel stressed at times, and that just freaks me out more. What if I'm hurting the baby. What if I'm causing it to be/get sick. What If I cause this baby to die because I'm just all over the place with everything.

I'm really missing Owen this week (and now I'm crying). I'm looking at my little girl watching Dora, and I just feel so sad. Owen should be here too.

I know, that if we didn't loose Owen, we would never had had the opportunity to meet this baby. I do love this baby, but I'm just so so soooooo scared something is going to happen again..

22wks and choices.

Here we are. Flitterbub and I at about 22ish weeks.

I had the opportunity to go out with girlfriends to an early movie and dinner on Sunday, so thought while I was all dressed up to get a picture.

I'm having a freak out week. I'm worried.. There has been alot of stress in our life and I hope that baby is ok. Infact if I am being perfectly honest, this last year has been the absolute WORST of my life. What could go wrong did go wrong. I only hope that we can go up from here. That's the way it's suppose to go isn't it?

 Bub is still kicking and moving and doing everything normally. So I know it's ok, but I can't help but worry.

I've been asked by one of my lovely friends, if Owen's birth has changed the way we want to birth this bub?

I have to say for me, no not really. If I could, I would do everything the way I wanted to last time. My husband on the other hand is worried/afraid. And I can totally see why he would be. But for me, being at home is where I am comfortable. But, we came to a compromise that we are both happy with. So we are happy. The plan will be to labour at home as long as possible and then go to hospital. The beauty of having our independen midwife is that this is good for us and she will be with us every step of the way, making sure everything is ok. I mean, afterall, this is what most women want and do anyway, so why should we have to do things differently.

The only thing that will be really different is the option to go beyond 42wks. That will not happen. I think we would freak out abit as well as those around us. This is mainly the reason why no one knows my actual EDD. I don't need the extra stress and nuisance of constant nagging of "have you had that baby yet" etc etc.. I'm sure alot know what I am talking about. The only people who know our EDD is us, our midwife and the hospital.

Some might be wondering if I will be going to the same hospital as where Owen was born. Simple answer. I'm not sure. I have left my options open and am booked in there, but I am also booked into another closer hospital as well. It's mainly going to come down to making the decision at the time. At this point in time. I'm not sure that I will be able to go back there. It's hard enough to go for the occasional appointments that we have. Luckily for me, both hospitals are happy for me to see my midwife at home for all of my pre natal care and I see them later in the pregnancy.

happy happy happy.. :)

It's been a while, time for an update

So I took some time out from my blog a while back now (as anyone who reads, has probably noticed).

I had alot to get my head around and adjust too. We found out at the end of January that we are expecting a beautiful precious bubby..

We had been of the mind that if it happened it happened, and left it up to that.. It's been a time filled with anxiety, happiness, sadness, excitement. I have found this time around I am aware of EVERYTHING. Any little niggle or twinge. Anything I am eating. Just everything. I have always been really careful with all of these things, but this time around, I'm like a crazy pedantic women. I can't help it. I have to know I am doing everything right and everything I can to have a heathy breathing baby come mid October.

We are 21'ish weeks now. And all seems to be going ok. I have my midwife with us for this journey again and she is and has been such an amazing support. I really think this will be healing for all of us. Owen was the first baby she attended to born sleeping. And we had gotten so close during our journey. I think and really really hope this is all going to be ok this time. I am working really hard (we all are) to achieve the best labour and birth for us all.

I feel like Owen has been watching over me more then ever. It's like he's with me, making sure everything is going ok with his mummy, and his baby brother or sister. (although I am sure he knows what we are having). :)

I know I originally started this blog after loosing our little Owen, and I hope that people will be ok with me discussing my pregnancy also. I need to have an outlet where I can just write whats in my head and not feel like I need to edit.

Lesson's Learnt

Today I was reading a forum I am a member on. I decided to go back and look at the thread I started after Owen was born.

It's been a long time since I went into that thread. It was his birth story. I wanted to share with a wonderful group of women our story when he was born. It was such a shock to us loosing Owen, and it was such a shock to the girls on the forum too.

It was lovely to read back over the comments I recieved after his birth. It's amazing to see how wonderful, supportive and loving a group of women can be. Women who I have never met in real life. Women who some of them have been around when I got married, have been there when I had 2 of my children, and women who are there for one of the hardest moments of my life.

I don't think these women could ever understand the depth of my gratitude for them. With there love and support I have found a way to live. It's been hard, but knowing that they were there, that I could post anything, even if it wasn't all flowers and happiness, and post without being judged.

I have made some wonderful friendships thru the forum aswell. Friendships I will treasure for the rest of my life, and friendships I know will last the rest of my life.

It really makes you stop and think about things doesn't it? How wonderful, supportive and giving people can be, even when you don't "know" them. Thru the worst possible time in your life, sometimes there is a little glimmer of light. It may be hard to see at first, but eventually you will see. This lesson I have learnt.

6 months

Today is 6 months since my beautiful baby boy was born.

6 months without him here in my arms.

I still sleep with his blanket every night. It doesn't smell like him anymore, it hasn't for a long time. I just like to have something of him close to me, like he would have been if he was here.

I think about him constantly. We talk about him all the time. He drops in for a play sometimes.

Just last week, Indi and I were playing and talking (babbling) to each other. Then all of a sudden she said "Owie".
I said "where is Owie? Is he here?"
and she pointed to a space next to me. I cried. She came up and gave me a cuddle.

I love that she can see him. I have to believe she can.

We are going to go and visit him this afternoon, after I get the kids from school.
We are also going to go to visit my older 2 children's 'mummy in heaven' aswell. Today is the 8 yr anniversary of her death. So we are going to get some flowers and go and see them both.

Wanting the positives

I know I have been pretty quiet so far this year.

I want to be positive this year. It's going to be a great year. I am looking forward to it.

I know Owen wouldn't want me to be so sad anymore. I miss him everyday and often think of him or even talk to him. Indi and I say nitey nite and hello at her sleep times. We walk past a collage of photos of him on the way to her bedroom. She blow's him a kids and says "lub you Owie".

I think he is here helping his mummy at the moment, and I love him for helping me to try to live again. I will get thru this pain and make him proud of me.

Case of the crazies

I think I am having a case of the crazies...

I was sitting here on my computer this afternoon.. All was quiet, now one was around, and then all of a sudden, Indi's jumping zebra started going off.. Now this particular toy NEVER goes of unless someone touches it. No one was here. Just me, and I wasn't near it, I actually had my back to it.

I think maybe Owen was here playing behind me, while I was working and Indi was in bed. Do you think it's possible or am I just sounding more crazier by the day.