Coming to terms

Well friday just gone was the end of an era. Our family is complete. No more babies for us.

I know some might think I am crazy. Why would I want to add to our family, we already have 6 children. Truth is. I LOVE IT.

I love being pregnant, I love labor, I love birth, I love babies, I love children. I love it all.

I would so keep going, but I know I have to stop sometime. I know this. It's just hard to get my head around.

I cried when we went to the appointment. Our Dr was good and let us talk some more about it, and was happy to wait, but at the end of the day. Miss T is our last bubba. My husband was amazing. He is amazing.

So now, I am soaking up all the newborn goodness that I can. I am taking nothing for granted. I am doing things I haven't before (co-sleeping), because I don't care. I will never get to have a newborn again.

So. I am going with the flow. Breathing everything in. Taking in every moment.

How am I doing?

Well, the time is coming very close now. 

I'm 37wks. I can't believe it. This pregnancy really has seemed to have just flown by.. One minute I'm sitting there thinking I have all the time in the world. Then I stop. I think about it. "oh crap, it's here".

How am I doing?

I guess that depends on the day. Somedays I am good, actually most days I am good. I feel good, bubby feels good. I'm just pottering along enjoying everything. 

But then, I have one of 'those' days. 

Like yesterday. I was sad, angry, depressed, felt panic'd, anxious. I'm trying to stop the 'what if's' on these days. I have to believe everything will be ok. We will be ok. I WILL have a happy, healthy, breathing baby at the end of our labour. Bub will simply slide out, peacefully earthside, I will recieve bub, bring bubby up to me and just breath it in and enjoy. I HAVE to believe this will happen. I am visualizing away. 

It's going to be amazing and I can't wait for the warm yummy cuddles. 

22wks and choices.

Here we are. Flitterbub and I at about 22ish weeks.

I had the opportunity to go out with girlfriends to an early movie and dinner on Sunday, so thought while I was all dressed up to get a picture.

I'm having a freak out week. I'm worried.. There has been alot of stress in our life and I hope that baby is ok. Infact if I am being perfectly honest, this last year has been the absolute WORST of my life. What could go wrong did go wrong. I only hope that we can go up from here. That's the way it's suppose to go isn't it?

 Bub is still kicking and moving and doing everything normally. So I know it's ok, but I can't help but worry.

I've been asked by one of my lovely friends, if Owen's birth has changed the way we want to birth this bub?

I have to say for me, no not really. If I could, I would do everything the way I wanted to last time. My husband on the other hand is worried/afraid. And I can totally see why he would be. But for me, being at home is where I am comfortable. But, we came to a compromise that we are both happy with. So we are happy. The plan will be to labour at home as long as possible and then go to hospital. The beauty of having our independen midwife is that this is good for us and she will be with us every step of the way, making sure everything is ok. I mean, afterall, this is what most women want and do anyway, so why should we have to do things differently.

The only thing that will be really different is the option to go beyond 42wks. That will not happen. I think we would freak out abit as well as those around us. This is mainly the reason why no one knows my actual EDD. I don't need the extra stress and nuisance of constant nagging of "have you had that baby yet" etc etc.. I'm sure alot know what I am talking about. The only people who know our EDD is us, our midwife and the hospital.

Some might be wondering if I will be going to the same hospital as where Owen was born. Simple answer. I'm not sure. I have left my options open and am booked in there, but I am also booked into another closer hospital as well. It's mainly going to come down to making the decision at the time. At this point in time. I'm not sure that I will be able to go back there. It's hard enough to go for the occasional appointments that we have. Luckily for me, both hospitals are happy for me to see my midwife at home for all of my pre natal care and I see them later in the pregnancy.

happy happy happy.. :)

One month today

You would have been 1 month old today.

At this time one month ago I was in labour, preparing to meet you, my precious baby. We were working thru surges and I was loving my labour. It was such a beautiful day. Surrounded by my husband, my best friend and my midwifes. I felt safe, loved and that I can do anything. You were safely tucked in my belly. Little did I know this would be the last time I would feel you moving.

I remember everything about your birthday. Being in hospital and pushing thinking, OMG I am doing this, we will be meeting soon. Then the hospital staff saying that we had to get you out quickly as his heart rate had decreased. When you were born you were put on my tummy, and then quickly whisked over to the resus table. I thought the hospital staff where just suctioning you airways clear to make sure you didn’t swallow any meconium. I looked at the hospital midwife and said “does this mean he will be in special care”. She replied with “yes”. You had a heartbeat just before you were born so we just thought they were checking you over.

Then my world shattered. Those 3 little words “I’m so sorry”. You were placed in your daddy’s arms for a cuddle. We were in shock. What had happened? You were fine. Why weren’t you breathing? Daddy gave you to me so I could finally cuddle you. I cried, you were so little and beautiful. Such fair skin. I always said you would be smaller than your brother and sister, and you were. My smallest baby by far. You skin was so soft, you didn’t even look like a baby that had gone over your “due date”. Long fingers with beautiful long finger nails. Long long feet. My beautiful baby boy. I didn’t even get to hear you cry, or take your first breath. It breaks my heart that I can’t even say what colour your eyes were.

I still can’t believe you aren’t here with us. Safely in our arms, having lots of cuddles. I should be going thru the newborn stage with you. Lots of feeds and nappy changes. What I wouldn’t give to not be getting sleep and to be trying to settle you.

Mummy and daddy miss you so much. We think about you all the time. I can’t comprehend trying to get on with things without you here. I still have all your things on the chair in the lounge room, with pictures of you and your toys. I can’t bring myself to move them and wont’ do for a while. I look at them all the time and sit with you.

Your brothers and sisters miss you too. One of my favourite photos is of them cuddling you. You look like you are sleeping. It’s so beautiful.

We love you very much my sweet beautiful boy.