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Today was hard. Just walking into the hospital was hard enough, without even thinking about the reason we actually had to be there.

I dont' know where to start or what to think. I feel like I am all over the place, and trying to make sense. It's all feels like I am on the outside looking in and not really remembering what I was looking at.

We got the results today. They told us that Owen died because of infection. We don't know when the infection could have started or how the infection got in. They don't have answers for that. Although we have asked them to see if they can give us a bit more information.

The report states that Owen died "just before birth", yet the Dr today was trying to say that they think he died long before that, and that they were actually picking up my heart rate instead of his. Which we whole heartedly disagree with. My midwife was keeping a close eye on both of our heart rates and there was a difference. Mine was usually around 70 and Owen's was 120. I don't understand why she was trying to say this. Even I remember in the birth suite the hospital midwife was right next to me checking his heart rate, and I remember her saying it was 120. I know just before he was born it dropped to 60.

He had also swallowed alot of meconium. It was all in his lungs. So even if they had have been able to resucitate, he probably wouldn't have made it anyway... yeah, I feel like absolute shit.

The placenta and cord and everything was ok. It wasn't breaking down and not doing it's job. As thats what can start happening when a baby goes post dates.

The doctor kept saying to us 'this is good news' because we had a reason and he didn't die because of my "choices". I'm sorry but NO.... this isn't 'good news'. Good news would be having my baby boy here with me, in my arms, ALIVE. This is NOT 'good news'.

I guess I should be comforted by the fact that there was actually a reason that they could give us. But I dont' know if I really do. All I can think about now, is how selfish I feel for wanting to have a vaginal birth.

I asked at one point if I had of had a c-sec at 38wks would he still be here. The Dr said 'yes, probably'. Of course I started sobbing. that's just what I wanted to hear right? NOT!!! why did I even ask the question, because now I feel absolutely broken. My midwife made a point though that we dont' know if he would have made it. He was so little and might not have been ready to be born and there could have been other problems we had to deal with.

I dont' know what to think now. I feel numb. I pretty much zoned out during the meetin after they said he died 'because of infection'. I keep getting told that it's not my fault and I have nothing to feel guilty for. Of course I am going to feel guilty. I will always carry guilt for not having my son here. Even working thru my emotions now, I feel guilty. I know that I did everything possible for my son, and did so much research into the choices that we made, but at the end of the day, it doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't bring Owen back......

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow we find out what the hospital found as to why our little boy couldn't stay with us.

To say I am scared, would be an understatement.

I know people keep telling me that you can't worry about the 'what if's', but in truth. That is something that I can't stop. I don't think anyone could or would be able to stop thinking this way.

What happens if they found out that his reason for dieing was something that was in my control to change. It is possible that they could have found something to indicate this. I am so so scared that it could happen. I already feel guilty enough that I wasn't able to protect Owen and bring him into this world safely. That is my job as a mother and I failed. I failed in my job in the worst possible way. My son isn't here, and that is something that will live with me for the rest of my life.

Daddies hurt too

I never really thought about how my husband might be feeling with the lose of his son. I know he misses him and he hurts too, but I guess I have been so caught up in myself that I never thought much further than that.

We both have been keeping a journal since the lose of Owen. I started mine not long after Owen was born,and he knows where it is and I have told him he can read it whenever he likes. I find it easier to write my feelings than talking about them. My husband started his about a month ago, and I only just found out about it last week. Last night when he finished writing in it he let me read it.

He has been so busy trying to be strong for me, that he never really talked to me about his feelings because I have always been so upset. But in reading his thoughts last night, my heart broke again. I had no idea. I wont talk about it all but something that really struck my heart is something I would like to mention, and maybe it may help other women with an insight into what there husband may be feeling with the lose of a child.

He mentioned that he worries that Owen didn't really know him. That they never got that connection that a mother and baby has. I carried Owen for 10months, and felt everything and anything. But daddy only really got to feel movements when I told him he was moving or if we were snuggling at night and he felt him (Owen was always most active around 10.30-11pm). He always felt that the connection he got with his children comes once they are born and he gets to have cuddles, and help ease them and play with them.

How do I get him to understand that Owen knew him and loved him. He knew who his daddy was and loved him very much. They WERE connected. Even though he never got to hold him alive, feel the warmness of Owen's skin against his, see the pinkness coming back to his skin with every breath. He knew his daddy. His voice calmed him and sometimes it was daddies voice that would get him to play. How do I tell him this and for him to understand.

How can I be so selfish as to not even think of this.......

I'm Hurting

It's not fair.



This is how it should be.

We should be having cuddles and kisses. Not me sitting here crying because I miss him so much and can't hold him and kiss him...

Living in Limbo Land

I feel like I am in a constant state of Limbo. My life doesn't seem real. I mean, I am here, and living and with my family and friends, but there is a part of me thats missing.

Everytime I do something or try to go somewhere, I feel like I have left something behind. I am constantly checking my pockets, my bag, behind me. Something is missing.....

I think I sometimes still think I am pregnant. It's the only reason I can come up with as to why Owen isn't here with me. This can't be real. What sort of world do we live in when our children leave this place before we do. It's not right.

I find everytime I try to eat something (which isn't often). I am constantly thinking, no I can't have that, that won't be good it could have listeria. I sometimes feel like I can feel kicking in my belly too. It's so bizarre. I even find myself sitting forward and re-adjusting my sitting position like I did when I was pregnant so Owen was in a good position.

And than it all comes flooding back. I don't have my baby here with me. THIS is my life now, THIS is my reality. ......

Dreaming of Owen and Lola

Every night, when I go to be and close my eyes. I see our beautiful baby boy Owen. I see him all the time. Sometimes it's visions of me during my pregnancy. More often than not it's visions of my labour and Owen's birth. Me holding him and crying. Just looking at him and how beautiful he is. I usually wake up with tears in my eyes.

But last night was different. I eventually got to bed after midnight, and it took me a long time to fall asleep, but when I did I had a beautiful dream. I dreamt of a little boy and girl playing in a beautiful big field with long grass and scattered daisies. It was so beautiful, they were just running around chasing each other and having fun.

After a while I saw two women sitting on a bench watching their children play. One of the women was me, and the other was my beautiful friend of mine who also lost her baby girl, Kristalee. That little boy and girl that I saw playing was our babies, Owen and Lola. Only they were a little older probably around 2 and running around together having the best time.

It was so beauitiful but wierd all at the same time. It was like we were there with them, but were just watching them, sitting with each other.

I wanted to write this and hopefully kristalee, you see this and I hope it's ok that I said it. I don't want you to be sad, but I had to get it down. I really like to believe that they are together playing and watching out for both of us.

I don't know where the dream came from, but I'm so glad I had it. It was the first one I had of Owen since he was taken away from us that wasn't of my labour, birth or clouded by misunderstanding and doubt. It was kind of like it was a glimpse to let me know that he is ok.... they are ok.... they are together....

I don't even know if I am making any sense. It's so hard to remember everything, and get it down between the tears. But I just had to.

xxxxxxx

Can you help my friend?

A beautiful friend of mine is trying to put together a memorial for her gorgeous baby girl Lola who was born sleeping in May this year.

She is having a fundraiser for her "Play in the Park" for bonnie babes.

We are asking for people to send Kristalee a photo with Lola's name in it? Just everyday people doing everyday things but showing that they're thinking of Lola and your family.

If you would like to add to this beauitful tribute, Kristalee is asking for the pictures to be emailed to her by the 27th September.

You can find her details http://lolaconstanceevelyn-kristalee.blogspot.com/ or her blog is in my favourite blogs on the side.