The time came

Last night had me pretty emotional and missing my little man.

I had to delete my photo's of Owen from my camera.

Now I know that I have them in hard copy, on my computer, and on my hubby's computer, and it may seem so silly to some. Those photo's have been on my camera since he was born. I have never, NEVER been able to delete them. They were always with me.

Last night. I had to delete them. I got a new camera and sold my old one, so I had to do it. I felt so weird about it. Almost as if I was deleting Owen from our life.

I know that's not the case, but my gosh. It really was a sad thing to do..

Merry Christmas Owen

I can't believe we are at christmas time already. Another year is nearly over. They just all fly by way too quickly these days.

We all went to visit Owen a week or so ago, and put up his christmas decorations and had a little visit with him.  The kids were really beautiful and made sure he had all his decorations just right.

They had even made him some special decorations that we hung in the branches around and near him. We each wished him a Merry Christmas and said we would be back on Christmas eve to visit.

We also hung our personal baubles on the tree. We had been waiting to put them up until we had Tabitha's. Once we did, the kids were quick to get them all out and make sure we had Owen's all ready to go up aswell.

I can't believe it will be another christmas without our baby boy, but am so blessed to have such wonderful children who still remember him, and include him in everything.

It's that time of year again.

I can't believe we are now in december. It just seems so crazy that this year has flown by so quickly.

The christmas tree is up, the kids had so much fun decorating it. They get so into it.

This year is also the first year we have christmas lights on out the front of the house. They ohhh'd and ahhh'd when they got turned on. If it wasn't raining so much at the moment I am sure they would be out the front every night just sitting in the yard and looking at them. And I must admit, my hubby and my dad did a great job. Hopefully the weather fines up so we can spend some time out there at night. It's a really beautiful place.

It really warms my heart, that with all the christmas joy and spirit going around my kids haven't forgotten about their baby brother.

We went to get their photo taken with santa. Last year we had a little red star with Owen's name written on it (a very dear friend gave me this last year (thanks Kris xx)). We took it with us and one of the kids held Owen's star for the photo. It was their way of having him in the photo with them.

This year, we didn't have the star with us (silly mummy :-( ), but they asked if they could wear my necklace and my husbands, it has Owen's fingerprint on it.

They then sat their with santa and had their photo taken, then told santa all about their baby brother.. <3

Guilt

I am feeling all kinds of guilt at the moment.

Guilt for not thinking about Owen as much.
I still think about him, don't get me wrong. It's just not that constant that it use to be. I feel like this shouldn't be happening. He should be a more constant. We can't have him here with us. I need that. I need to see him in my mind. Think about him. That way I know he is here, like I see my other children all the time. I need to see him too.


Guilt for feeling cranky at my husband.
I don't know why, it's just happening. I don't know how to get out of it. It's not something that I can put my finger on why I am feeling this way. It just happens. I don't want it too, but I don't know what to do.

Why can't I be back the way we were. We were good when Tabitha was born and then all of a sudden the cranky pants just appeared and I have been wearing them ever since. Yet Before she was born, and especially in labor, I felt like we were closer then ever. The connection was so strong.

What happened? What am I doing?

I am making time to go back to my counsellor.

It's time.

Facing my Fears

On friday just gone, I had an appointment with the head OB at the hospital I had Owen in, as this is a possible hospital option for me this time. I am making that decision when I go into labour. 

Anyway, the appointment was ok, although the OB that I am 'only' suppose to see was away, so was a waste of time, not to mention the lecture I got all over again, AND the fact that she hadn't even read my notes in my chart, so had no idea about Owen.. 

But anyway, I then had my appointment after with my bereavement midwife. We worked on my hospital birth plan, and then also went down to the birthing suites to have a look around and see how I go. This is one of the main factors in my going to this hospital. Can I do it?

She asked if I knew what room, I had Owen in. I said 'no, but would like to see it, I need to see it'. As soon as we got down there I knew which room it was. I was fully expecting a break down, and so was she. I walked in and remembered everything.

I saw the bed I birthed him on. I saw the table they used to try to bring him back to life. The chair I sat in after my shower and held my baby boy so close crying, shocked. Where the minister sat to baptise our baby boy. Where my husband bathed our son for the first and last time.

With all of this flooding back to me. I was ok. I am ok. Don't get me wrong I miss him terribly, and it was sad being in there again. But I think I'm ok.

It will still be a choice I make when the time is right and my baby and my body go into labour, but 'if' I choose to go there. I can do it. I will birth my baby and have some different memories for this child.

Today....

I was just sitting here and glanced down at my calender. 17th August.

I'm not sure why, but the date sounded so familiar and like there was something I was suppose to be doing. A birthday? An appointment? what have I missed?

Then it occured to me. On the 17th August last year at this time, we had just said good bye to our sweet little baby boy at his funeral.

Owen's Birthday

So Sunday just gone, was Owen's 1st Birthday, and what a day.

We got up nice and early. My husband was singing happy birthday to Owen, and each time one of the kids came down and out to us downstairs he would yell "happy birthday Owen", to which the kids would yell the same.  I couldn't get as quite into it as they were, but I was just glad that they were having a nice day and not too sad.

Once we were all ready, we went up to the cemetry to visit and wish our boy happy birthday. We were armed with butterflies, teddies and a tigger balloon. The kids each handmade a birthday card for Owen, that we decided would stay here in his special keepsake box. They each did such a good job and wrote some beautiful and touching things inside.

We were blessed with such a gorgeous day. There was not a cloud in the sky, the sun was out and gorgeous and it was just right. Not too cold for winter, but not warm either. Just perfect (I think Owen might have had a hand in that).  :)

Here's a few pics

When we got there, Jay (my eldest) and Indi went up to see Owen. In this pic Indi is blowing Owen a kiss.

All our kids together (including my god son)

Me placeing some of his presents down with him.

Owen with his some of his presents..

We decided to have a butterfly release for Owen for his birthday. I have loved butterflies since I was a little girl, and I felt this was something we could share.

We went to pick up the butterflies the day before.

In this picture I have just handed each of the kids there butterfly to open and release.

We didn't get a picture of the kids releasing them, because they were just to fast. lol

We did get Indi releasing here (mainly because I was there to help her :)  )

she was so fascinated by it. She loves butterflies aswell.











The butterfly I released, then flew to a near by plant and stayed there for a while. When I went over to it, it still stayed, so I put my finger out under it, and it sat on my finger for a while, before then flying off.. It was so so beautiful. Maybe my baby boy was there with us. I really hope so.

In the afternoon, I had asked our family and very close friends to come to a get together in the park down the street. Just an afternoon tea. It was beautiful. There was a playground for all the kids to play in and run around and be crazy like kids do, like Owen would have wanted to do also.

I had arranged to get a mixture of blue balloons for each of the children that were there, so they could each release a balloon for Owen.

We went out to an open area of the park, I gave all the kids a balloon each. I counted to 3, we all yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY OWEN" and then the balloons were released.

Such a beautiful day. The only thing that could have made it better would to have had our boy with us in our arms.

Happy Birthday baby boy. We miss you so much everyday, but I know you couldn't stay with us as much as it hurts.
I hope you are looking over us and proud of what we have done.
I hope you had a great birthday and had a big party celebrating with the other angels in heaven.

Love you forever and always.

Until the day we meet again and I can hold you in my arms..
Mummy xxxxx

Finally.... We made a decision...

Finally.. finally, I have made a decision for Owen's first birthday.

We are going to go up to visit Owen mid morning. I have organised to buy some butterflies and will pick them up on Saturday at some stage. Then sunday morning we will head up to the cemetry and wish his a happy 1st birthday and release the butterflies.

Then in the afternoon, we are going to have an afternoon tea at the park (weather permitting, hopefully it will be a beautiful day). We are just having our families and closest friends. The kids can play and run a muck on all the swings, there will be lollies and savoury, and most importantly.... A cake..  I am also organising balloons (I am thinking blue, maybe another colour too.. not sure), and we will release them. I'm hoping to take lots of photo's of the day, and will put them in Owen's photo album.

I just want the day to be fun for the kids.. It's going to be hard enough to get thru, and they remember there baby brother so fondly.

My son is already making things for him. He came home from school yesterday and showed me what he has been making.. He made him a butterfly and wrote 'ben 10' on it (such a boy).. It's green and so him. He wants to give it to Owen... He is so proud of himself, and so am I. I'm so proud of them all. They talk about him when they want. I LOVE it.

One of the things making me more sad at the moment, is I was so scared of this day coming and knew I wanted to do something, but just couldn't make up my mind. Suddenly this week I realised the date. Too late to do invitations (I wanted to do personal one from my computer) but have left it to late. Add to that, the program I usually use, I can't use on this computer (i'm pretty sure). So I have had to contact people by phone or email. Not what I had planned...

So now, it's just a matter of getting to next sunday and making it thru.

It's getting closer

As Owen's birthday draws nearer and nearer, I find myself slightly all over the place. I can't make decisions, I am forgetting things worse then before, My emotional state is all ove rthe place. One minute I am smiling, the next I am cranky, crying, not wanting to be around people. It just doesn't seem to be ending..

I know it's probably a combination of Owen's birthday (god I miss him) and the pregnancy hormones.

We have decided to have a little afternoon tea with family and close friends. I am going to get a cake for Owen and just have some nibblies. For any children that will be here I am going to get some balloons for them to release for Owen.

In the morning we are going to go and visit where Owen rests, I am organising to get some butterflies. As a family, we will all release a butterfly each and spend some time with him.

I hope he will be with us at some stage of the day, if he can't be with us all day. And I hope he knows how much we love him and miss him...

Dreaming of Owen and Lola

Every night, when I go to be and close my eyes. I see our beautiful baby boy Owen. I see him all the time. Sometimes it's visions of me during my pregnancy. More often than not it's visions of my labour and Owen's birth. Me holding him and crying. Just looking at him and how beautiful he is. I usually wake up with tears in my eyes.

But last night was different. I eventually got to bed after midnight, and it took me a long time to fall asleep, but when I did I had a beautiful dream. I dreamt of a little boy and girl playing in a beautiful big field with long grass and scattered daisies. It was so beautiful, they were just running around chasing each other and having fun.

After a while I saw two women sitting on a bench watching their children play. One of the women was me, and the other was my beautiful friend of mine who also lost her baby girl, Kristalee. That little boy and girl that I saw playing was our babies, Owen and Lola. Only they were a little older probably around 2 and running around together having the best time.

It was so beauitiful but wierd all at the same time. It was like we were there with them, but were just watching them, sitting with each other.

I wanted to write this and hopefully kristalee, you see this and I hope it's ok that I said it. I don't want you to be sad, but I had to get it down. I really like to believe that they are together playing and watching out for both of us.

I don't know where the dream came from, but I'm so glad I had it. It was the first one I had of Owen since he was taken away from us that wasn't of my labour, birth or clouded by misunderstanding and doubt. It was kind of like it was a glimpse to let me know that he is ok.... they are ok.... they are together....

I don't even know if I am making any sense. It's so hard to remember everything, and get it down between the tears. But I just had to.

xxxxxxx

Making sense and peoples opinions

Ok. So I'm just going to be perfectly honest. Some might not understand, but I just need to get this down and out. I'm not even sure if I'll make sense, but, like I said. I need to get it out.

Having a baby came up today. Mainly a conversation with my mum tonight is playing on my mind now. I can't even sit here and read my book now, as I have read the same page over and over thinking about this conversation.

I'm not sure how it came up but it did and we got started talking about us having another child. My mum wants me to wait and spend some time with the kids and as a family before we have another child. And while that is all well and good for her to have her opinion and I love her dearly(don't get me wrong, she has been amazing support), I don't agree. I mean it's not like we are going to get pregnant next week and have a baby next month or anything(impossible and slight exageration, I know). To me we will be doing this and are doing this anyway. We always spend time together and do things together, that "reason" doesn't seem right to me. My thinking is that if we are meant to have another baby and there is another little soul that has already chosen us and is just waiting, then it will happen. It will know when the time is right and things will happen when its meant to (well at least this is what I think, and have to believe) I have questioned all my beliefs alot over the last few weeks, but this one, I can't let go of.

I don't need to hear people telling me, "Maybe you should wait and take some time before having another baby". I know my mind, I know my body. I know when the time is and will be right. I am not rushing into anything and doing something crazy. I love Owen with all my heart and no child or baby or anything can or will EVER replace him. I hope he knows that. This isn't about replacing him. Not at all. I just feel like my journey isn't finished yet. I dont' feel finished. I think if Owen had have been here with me now, I would still want another baby anyway. thats just me, I love kids, but I know I will have to stop. eventually....

I feel guilty for even thinking about this yet, but I just can't help these thoughts.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this down and if your reading this Owen. Mummy loves you so much. We all do. I hope your happy, and please know that I think about you all the time and you will never be replaced. You will always be my beautiful baby boy. And one day, we will meet again and I will give you the biggest and bestest cuddles and kisses EVER xxxxxxx I love you

I hate feeling sick.

What a horrible couple of days. Tuesday night I felt like I "might" be coming down with something, but thought nothing more about it. Than yesterday was like I was hit by a bus. My ears itch, my troat is dry and scratchy, my heard hurts and I just hurt all over in general. Emotionally and physically..

So yesterday hubby gets home from getting the kids from school, and I pass out. I couldn't see out of one eye and I just started spinning out. I slept all afternoon right thru till this morning, and I still feel exhausted.

I've also been thinking about Owen alot. I dreamt about him alot last night. It felt so real. I didn't want to wake up. We were so happy and having lots and lots of cuddles and kisses.

I had to a Makeup job on this afternoon. The only reason I was able to go really, is because nobody there knew I was pregnant or that I had Owen. And as much as that hurts to not be talking about him, I find I can't yet, not to people I dont' see much or at a job. I don't want to break down infront of people, even strangers. I guess you could say I have a couple of hours to take a step out of reality for a while. It hurts, it sucks, I feel guilty and I hate that I did it, but I did.

Should things still be like this now? Shouldn't things be getting easier by now? Should I be in a different place? I dont know. All I know is it f&#king hurts. ALOT.

Scared

I have been pretty quiet the last few days. I'm not sure why exactly, and by that I mean nothing in my mind is jumping out and telling me why I have decided to "retreat" a little inside. I guess it's just kind of happened.

It started over the weekend. I just seem to sit in my corner and reading or what not. Still haven't ventured outside really, or to the shops. I know I need to start changing this, I know I need to start getting out more and start "living" again. I guess I'm just scared. Scared that if I do people will think I'm moving on, Scared that by people thinking that that Owen will be forgotten and not be mentioned or talked about. Scared that by me going out and doing things Owen will think I have forgotten about him and think that I don't love him.

It will be 6 weeks on Saturday since Owen was born. I miss him every second and every day.

It just feels wrong, to have given birth to my baby boy only a short few weeks ago, and I know I had a baby, my body had gone back to normal (apart from the extra kilos' I have), my family knows I had a baby, but no one eles does. Because when I do start doing things and going places he is not here in my arms where he is suppose to be. It hurts to think about doing those things, to see new mums with their babies in the prams/arms and know that that should have been me.

The times that I have had to go somewhere in the car, I look at where is capsule was and think of what I had dreamt of for months with having our baby with us, in his capsule. I had everything planned out and situated. Where everything was in the car so we all fit, where the pram went so the kids could get in and out with standing on it or tripping over it, the adapters so the capsule could connect to the pram to make like a little easier. But now, that's all packed up in a box waiting for us to make a decision.

To write their name in the sand.

Today I received Owen's "name in the sand".

This is a wonderful project that Carly started after having a dream. You can find her "to write their names in the sand". It's listed in my favourite blogs.

I think what she is doing is a moving tribute for those parent's who have lost the sweet babies/children.

Update from yesterday

I was a complete mess when Adam got home yesterday afternoon, after recieving Owen's death certificate in the mail. I have felt so sick ever since. I feel like I am back to the day that Owen was born.

He couldn't understand why in cause of death, those things were written. He called the hospital to talk to our bereavement counsellor. We especially couldn't understand why the hell we would recieve the death certificate BEFORE we even had results from the autopsy, ESPECIALLY when that hadn't even been completed..

Basically to start with, we shouldn't have recieved the Death Certificate and she apologised profusely. (doesn't take away the shock and pain I felt when opening the mail)
There is also a new way things are done for this now, it cuts down the amount of forms they go thru (or something like that). like I care about the amount of paper work they have to do. No one should have to receive a death certificate before even finding out the results first.
The things that were written on his Death certificate in cause of death, was the information they had at Owen's birth, and it was written down, so the funeral home could do what they needed to and so Owen could be cremeated.

We have now found out that Owen's autospy results are back and we are arranging a time to go into the hospital for a meeting. I am even more terrified now to go in for this meeting. I don't I will handle if the results come back with some of the things that are written on the certificate we have now.

I am so angry that this has happened. I feel guilty enough, and than reading that for the cause of Owen's death, was like a kick in the guts. Seeing it written down on paper after I was already feeling like it was my fault was just too much. I am sad for all of this happening and frustrated for the way this has happened.. I feel like I am on a never ending roller coaster of emotions.

We have the option of coming in now for the autopsy results or to wait a couple of weeks for the Dr that was at our birth to be here to give us the results. I feel like I am just in limbo and waiting for the results. I need to have something for why this has happened. Even "if" there is no reason for it, and it just happened, I feel like I need to know that. I sit here constantly thinking about the "what if's". Could I have done something different that would have changed this happening. If I had of gone into labour earlier would he be here, If I would have just had another c-section would Owen be here in my arms now. I guess by hearing something I "may" stop thinking these things. I don't know.

Confused, my fault

I just received Owen's death Certificate in the mail. what a blow this is.. I feel numb. I think I do. I dont know how I feel.

I have just read it, and FUCK...

I don't understand. If we haven't got the results of the autopsy left, how can they write what his cause of Death is???

because right now, after reading the certificate. I really feel like its' my fault. I already felt enough guilt. but now... I can't even talk...

it basically says the reason is post dates, meconium liquor and planned homebirth with precious history of 2 previous caesarean sections...

so basically my baby boy isn't in my arms because of ME!!!!!!!! I feel sick to my stomach...........

Mail

We had Owen baptised when he was born, and just now in the mail we recieved his baptism certificate.

Will anything ever get easier? I just broke down crying.

One month today

You would have been 1 month old today.

At this time one month ago I was in labour, preparing to meet you, my precious baby. We were working thru surges and I was loving my labour. It was such a beautiful day. Surrounded by my husband, my best friend and my midwifes. I felt safe, loved and that I can do anything. You were safely tucked in my belly. Little did I know this would be the last time I would feel you moving.

I remember everything about your birthday. Being in hospital and pushing thinking, OMG I am doing this, we will be meeting soon. Then the hospital staff saying that we had to get you out quickly as his heart rate had decreased. When you were born you were put on my tummy, and then quickly whisked over to the resus table. I thought the hospital staff where just suctioning you airways clear to make sure you didn’t swallow any meconium. I looked at the hospital midwife and said “does this mean he will be in special care”. She replied with “yes”. You had a heartbeat just before you were born so we just thought they were checking you over.

Then my world shattered. Those 3 little words “I’m so sorry”. You were placed in your daddy’s arms for a cuddle. We were in shock. What had happened? You were fine. Why weren’t you breathing? Daddy gave you to me so I could finally cuddle you. I cried, you were so little and beautiful. Such fair skin. I always said you would be smaller than your brother and sister, and you were. My smallest baby by far. You skin was so soft, you didn’t even look like a baby that had gone over your “due date”. Long fingers with beautiful long finger nails. Long long feet. My beautiful baby boy. I didn’t even get to hear you cry, or take your first breath. It breaks my heart that I can’t even say what colour your eyes were.

I still can’t believe you aren’t here with us. Safely in our arms, having lots of cuddles. I should be going thru the newborn stage with you. Lots of feeds and nappy changes. What I wouldn’t give to not be getting sleep and to be trying to settle you.

Mummy and daddy miss you so much. We think about you all the time. I can’t comprehend trying to get on with things without you here. I still have all your things on the chair in the lounge room, with pictures of you and your toys. I can’t bring myself to move them and wont’ do for a while. I look at them all the time and sit with you.

Your brothers and sisters miss you too. One of my favourite photos is of them cuddling you. You look like you are sleeping. It’s so beautiful.

We love you very much my sweet beautiful boy.

Having a bad day

Not a good day here.

I have been in tears most of the day. I have felt constantly sick for the last 2 days. Just this never ending feeling in my stomach and feeling like I need to be sick.

We went to the crematorium today to hand in what we want written on Owen's plaque. It was so hard. I cried all the way there. It was hard to leave the house but I had to do it. For Owen. I got to pick up his ashes, as I wanted to bring him home and have him here with me for a while. We bought a beautiful pewter urn with a little teddy bear on it for him. And I carried him home. This is the first time he has been home since he was born. How wrong is that. The first time he comes home is nearly a month later and he's not safely tucked in our arms. alive.....

We organised to have his hand and foot mouldings done with twinkle toes, and I had to go there today also to pick things out. I got to see his beautiful little hands and feet again. My heart broke. They are so tiny. His little hand mouldings even have his long nails in them. He had such long nails when he was born.

We went to centrelink today to get that paperwork handed in. It's just the absolute last thing you want to do when you loose your child. It was awful. Thank god my husband was with me for all of this..

I know I say it all the time. But I just wish I had my little boy. I miss him so much. xxxxxxx

WHY WHY WHY????

So angry

Today I've woken up with so much anger.

I'm angry at the world, at my husband, at everyone and everything. I am pushing people away and I dont' know how to stop.

I just found out that my 2 boys were throwing some of Owen's toys at each other and I just completely blew up. I couldn't control it. I can't believe that they did it really. All his things are in the corner of the room out of the way, but still in a place that is seen by everyone, especially me.

My husbands response. "Maybe you should pack them away than".

WTF. No way. I am not ready to do that. His things are all I have. I was never able to bring him home and this is all I have.

I just miss him so much. Will the hurting ever stop ?????