Thoughts

I was replying to a friend's post today, she has also lost a child. While I was writing words just kept coming so I thought I would add them here.

I miss Owen so much all the time. Sometimes I find myself just sitting looking at his things or rubbing my necklace just thinking of him. I haven't left the house since he left us apart from funeral arrangements, his funeral and Adam took me away on the weekend to talk to each other, and even than I just wanted to stay in doors. The only way I was able to go as I knew there would be no one there I knew or who knew I was pregnant. Even still I looked no one in the eye the whole time apart from Adam.

I stay here at home in my bubble as that’s what’s comfortable. I haven't even been able to take the kids to school or pick them up as I can't bear the thought of the looks I might get or someone saying something to me, or even for someone to just hug me and not say anything at all. It's just too hard. I walked to and from school everyday this year with the kids pregnant. And now to be home without my baby or being pregnant is so dam hard.

I have always been of the belief that what you put out you get back. But since Owen left, I have no belief left. How could the universe do this to us. I don’t understand. I don’t think I am a bad person, and always go out of my way for people to help if I can.

I keep trying to think of where all this could have gone wrong. Did I think of things I shouldn't have? Did I put something out there and it's happened? Did Owen not think he would be loved? Did he think we didn't want him? Is this my fault? I am suppose to protect and nurture my baby and I failed.

I'm scared for the day we get the results from Owen's Autopsy. What if they say this is something that I could have helped. I am terrified for that day.