Update from yesterday

I was a complete mess when Adam got home yesterday afternoon, after recieving Owen's death certificate in the mail. I have felt so sick ever since. I feel like I am back to the day that Owen was born.

He couldn't understand why in cause of death, those things were written. He called the hospital to talk to our bereavement counsellor. We especially couldn't understand why the hell we would recieve the death certificate BEFORE we even had results from the autopsy, ESPECIALLY when that hadn't even been completed..

Basically to start with, we shouldn't have recieved the Death Certificate and she apologised profusely. (doesn't take away the shock and pain I felt when opening the mail)
There is also a new way things are done for this now, it cuts down the amount of forms they go thru (or something like that). like I care about the amount of paper work they have to do. No one should have to receive a death certificate before even finding out the results first.
The things that were written on his Death certificate in cause of death, was the information they had at Owen's birth, and it was written down, so the funeral home could do what they needed to and so Owen could be cremeated.

We have now found out that Owen's autospy results are back and we are arranging a time to go into the hospital for a meeting. I am even more terrified now to go in for this meeting. I don't I will handle if the results come back with some of the things that are written on the certificate we have now.

I am so angry that this has happened. I feel guilty enough, and than reading that for the cause of Owen's death, was like a kick in the guts. Seeing it written down on paper after I was already feeling like it was my fault was just too much. I am sad for all of this happening and frustrated for the way this has happened.. I feel like I am on a never ending roller coaster of emotions.

We have the option of coming in now for the autopsy results or to wait a couple of weeks for the Dr that was at our birth to be here to give us the results. I feel like I am just in limbo and waiting for the results. I need to have something for why this has happened. Even "if" there is no reason for it, and it just happened, I feel like I need to know that. I sit here constantly thinking about the "what if's". Could I have done something different that would have changed this happening. If I had of gone into labour earlier would he be here, If I would have just had another c-section would Owen be here in my arms now. I guess by hearing something I "may" stop thinking these things. I don't know.

So angry

Today I've woken up with so much anger.

I'm angry at the world, at my husband, at everyone and everything. I am pushing people away and I dont' know how to stop.

I just found out that my 2 boys were throwing some of Owen's toys at each other and I just completely blew up. I couldn't control it. I can't believe that they did it really. All his things are in the corner of the room out of the way, but still in a place that is seen by everyone, especially me.

My husbands response. "Maybe you should pack them away than".

WTF. No way. I am not ready to do that. His things are all I have. I was never able to bring him home and this is all I have.

I just miss him so much. Will the hurting ever stop ?????