Waiting

I'm so tired. I'm so ready. Ready to meet our baby. Ready to have our baby in my arms. Safely, healthy.. I'm ready.

I feeling quite put out today. I'm not sure what it is. I feel a bit off. I'm really, really tired. To the point where I can barely keep my eyes open. It's school holidays and I have just had it.. lol

I keep looking at any little sign. Wishing. Hoping, it's my turn. I know baby will come when it's ready, but to be honest. I would be a whole lot more comfortable and at ease if it would come earlier then later. 

No pressure of course baby, but mummy it SO ready to meet you now. 

I had my blessingway yesterday. I will have to come back to write about it, but I will say. It was a truely beautiful day. 

xxxxxx

Making sense and peoples opinions

Ok. So I'm just going to be perfectly honest. Some might not understand, but I just need to get this down and out. I'm not even sure if I'll make sense, but, like I said. I need to get it out.

Having a baby came up today. Mainly a conversation with my mum tonight is playing on my mind now. I can't even sit here and read my book now, as I have read the same page over and over thinking about this conversation.

I'm not sure how it came up but it did and we got started talking about us having another child. My mum wants me to wait and spend some time with the kids and as a family before we have another child. And while that is all well and good for her to have her opinion and I love her dearly(don't get me wrong, she has been amazing support), I don't agree. I mean it's not like we are going to get pregnant next week and have a baby next month or anything(impossible and slight exageration, I know). To me we will be doing this and are doing this anyway. We always spend time together and do things together, that "reason" doesn't seem right to me. My thinking is that if we are meant to have another baby and there is another little soul that has already chosen us and is just waiting, then it will happen. It will know when the time is right and things will happen when its meant to (well at least this is what I think, and have to believe) I have questioned all my beliefs alot over the last few weeks, but this one, I can't let go of.

I don't need to hear people telling me, "Maybe you should wait and take some time before having another baby". I know my mind, I know my body. I know when the time is and will be right. I am not rushing into anything and doing something crazy. I love Owen with all my heart and no child or baby or anything can or will EVER replace him. I hope he knows that. This isn't about replacing him. Not at all. I just feel like my journey isn't finished yet. I dont' feel finished. I think if Owen had have been here with me now, I would still want another baby anyway. thats just me, I love kids, but I know I will have to stop. eventually....

I feel guilty for even thinking about this yet, but I just can't help these thoughts.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this down and if your reading this Owen. Mummy loves you so much. We all do. I hope your happy, and please know that I think about you all the time and you will never be replaced. You will always be my beautiful baby boy. And one day, we will meet again and I will give you the biggest and bestest cuddles and kisses EVER xxxxxxx I love you

Am I Crazy?

I don't know if this is right, but lately I have been thinking that I want to have a baby. How can I be thinking this already? I feel so guilty for it. But I want to be honest with myself and say that I have been thinking about it. Honestly I have been thinking about it for the last week or so.

I'm not in any hurry, and I know that this isn't just a want of a baby to fill the void of Owen not being here. If I were honest I would say that even if Owen had have survived I would want another child. I just think I am that sort of girl. A mother. Owen was only ever going to be our "last" as I guess we had to stop at some point.

Does that make sense? I don't know. I feel like I am never making sense these days.

Should I even be thinking these things yet. ergh. why does this all have to be so hard.