Guilt

I am feeling all kinds of guilt at the moment.

Guilt for not thinking about Owen as much.
I still think about him, don't get me wrong. It's just not that constant that it use to be. I feel like this shouldn't be happening. He should be a more constant. We can't have him here with us. I need that. I need to see him in my mind. Think about him. That way I know he is here, like I see my other children all the time. I need to see him too.


Guilt for feeling cranky at my husband.
I don't know why, it's just happening. I don't know how to get out of it. It's not something that I can put my finger on why I am feeling this way. It just happens. I don't want it too, but I don't know what to do.

Why can't I be back the way we were. We were good when Tabitha was born and then all of a sudden the cranky pants just appeared and I have been wearing them ever since. Yet Before she was born, and especially in labor, I felt like we were closer then ever. The connection was so strong.

What happened? What am I doing?

I am making time to go back to my counsellor.

It's time.

Making sense and peoples opinions

Ok. So I'm just going to be perfectly honest. Some might not understand, but I just need to get this down and out. I'm not even sure if I'll make sense, but, like I said. I need to get it out.

Having a baby came up today. Mainly a conversation with my mum tonight is playing on my mind now. I can't even sit here and read my book now, as I have read the same page over and over thinking about this conversation.

I'm not sure how it came up but it did and we got started talking about us having another child. My mum wants me to wait and spend some time with the kids and as a family before we have another child. And while that is all well and good for her to have her opinion and I love her dearly(don't get me wrong, she has been amazing support), I don't agree. I mean it's not like we are going to get pregnant next week and have a baby next month or anything(impossible and slight exageration, I know). To me we will be doing this and are doing this anyway. We always spend time together and do things together, that "reason" doesn't seem right to me. My thinking is that if we are meant to have another baby and there is another little soul that has already chosen us and is just waiting, then it will happen. It will know when the time is right and things will happen when its meant to (well at least this is what I think, and have to believe) I have questioned all my beliefs alot over the last few weeks, but this one, I can't let go of.

I don't need to hear people telling me, "Maybe you should wait and take some time before having another baby". I know my mind, I know my body. I know when the time is and will be right. I am not rushing into anything and doing something crazy. I love Owen with all my heart and no child or baby or anything can or will EVER replace him. I hope he knows that. This isn't about replacing him. Not at all. I just feel like my journey isn't finished yet. I dont' feel finished. I think if Owen had have been here with me now, I would still want another baby anyway. thats just me, I love kids, but I know I will have to stop. eventually....

I feel guilty for even thinking about this yet, but I just can't help these thoughts.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this down and if your reading this Owen. Mummy loves you so much. We all do. I hope your happy, and please know that I think about you all the time and you will never be replaced. You will always be my beautiful baby boy. And one day, we will meet again and I will give you the biggest and bestest cuddles and kisses EVER xxxxxxx I love you

I hate feeling sick.

What a horrible couple of days. Tuesday night I felt like I "might" be coming down with something, but thought nothing more about it. Than yesterday was like I was hit by a bus. My ears itch, my troat is dry and scratchy, my heard hurts and I just hurt all over in general. Emotionally and physically..

So yesterday hubby gets home from getting the kids from school, and I pass out. I couldn't see out of one eye and I just started spinning out. I slept all afternoon right thru till this morning, and I still feel exhausted.

I've also been thinking about Owen alot. I dreamt about him alot last night. It felt so real. I didn't want to wake up. We were so happy and having lots and lots of cuddles and kisses.

I had to a Makeup job on this afternoon. The only reason I was able to go really, is because nobody there knew I was pregnant or that I had Owen. And as much as that hurts to not be talking about him, I find I can't yet, not to people I dont' see much or at a job. I don't want to break down infront of people, even strangers. I guess you could say I have a couple of hours to take a step out of reality for a while. It hurts, it sucks, I feel guilty and I hate that I did it, but I did.

Should things still be like this now? Shouldn't things be getting easier by now? Should I be in a different place? I dont know. All I know is it f&#king hurts. ALOT.

Confused, my fault

I just received Owen's death Certificate in the mail. what a blow this is.. I feel numb. I think I do. I dont know how I feel.

I have just read it, and FUCK...

I don't understand. If we haven't got the results of the autopsy left, how can they write what his cause of Death is???

because right now, after reading the certificate. I really feel like its' my fault. I already felt enough guilt. but now... I can't even talk...

it basically says the reason is post dates, meconium liquor and planned homebirth with precious history of 2 previous caesarean sections...

so basically my baby boy isn't in my arms because of ME!!!!!!!! I feel sick to my stomach...........

Am I Crazy?

I don't know if this is right, but lately I have been thinking that I want to have a baby. How can I be thinking this already? I feel so guilty for it. But I want to be honest with myself and say that I have been thinking about it. Honestly I have been thinking about it for the last week or so.

I'm not in any hurry, and I know that this isn't just a want of a baby to fill the void of Owen not being here. If I were honest I would say that even if Owen had have survived I would want another child. I just think I am that sort of girl. A mother. Owen was only ever going to be our "last" as I guess we had to stop at some point.

Does that make sense? I don't know. I feel like I am never making sense these days.

Should I even be thinking these things yet. ergh. why does this all have to be so hard.