I'm a mess

So, I thought I was doing ok. I thought "hey, I'm handling this, what's wrong with me"

I think though. That because my middle son's birthday was thursday it was like a 'block' in a way. Something to concentrate on. I didn't want to be sad for his birthday.

So we got thru it. He had a great day.

Friday, was ok. Unmotivated, sitting around. I went to the nursery to try to find a tree and pot to plant with Owen's placenta, but just couldn't find anything. I don't want to get something just for the sake of getting it. I want to find the perfect ones. So I left empty handed (again).

Then we get to today. I'm moody, I'm sad, I'm angry.. Started bawling my eyes out in the middle of Coles today. I have been crying at the drop of a hat..

How am I going to get thru tomorrow. I want it to be so special for Owen. It's so hard to think about. He should be here, but he's not, and I HATE that.. We should be planning a happy day, lots of presents and fun etc. I will just be trying to get thru the day..

It's getting closer

As Owen's birthday draws nearer and nearer, I find myself slightly all over the place. I can't make decisions, I am forgetting things worse then before, My emotional state is all ove rthe place. One minute I am smiling, the next I am cranky, crying, not wanting to be around people. It just doesn't seem to be ending..

I know it's probably a combination of Owen's birthday (god I miss him) and the pregnancy hormones.

We have decided to have a little afternoon tea with family and close friends. I am going to get a cake for Owen and just have some nibblies. For any children that will be here I am going to get some balloons for them to release for Owen.

In the morning we are going to go and visit where Owen rests, I am organising to get some butterflies. As a family, we will all release a butterfly each and spend some time with him.

I hope he will be with us at some stage of the day, if he can't be with us all day. And I hope he knows how much we love him and miss him...

Having a bad day

Not a good day here.

I have been in tears most of the day. I have felt constantly sick for the last 2 days. Just this never ending feeling in my stomach and feeling like I need to be sick.

We went to the crematorium today to hand in what we want written on Owen's plaque. It was so hard. I cried all the way there. It was hard to leave the house but I had to do it. For Owen. I got to pick up his ashes, as I wanted to bring him home and have him here with me for a while. We bought a beautiful pewter urn with a little teddy bear on it for him. And I carried him home. This is the first time he has been home since he was born. How wrong is that. The first time he comes home is nearly a month later and he's not safely tucked in our arms. alive.....

We organised to have his hand and foot mouldings done with twinkle toes, and I had to go there today also to pick things out. I got to see his beautiful little hands and feet again. My heart broke. They are so tiny. His little hand mouldings even have his long nails in them. He had such long nails when he was born.

We went to centrelink today to get that paperwork handed in. It's just the absolute last thing you want to do when you loose your child. It was awful. Thank god my husband was with me for all of this..

I know I say it all the time. But I just wish I had my little boy. I miss him so much. xxxxxxx

WHY WHY WHY????