Meltdown

Why is it, with any other pregnancy I was not fazed by my EDD.

This time, I am not even there yet, and I am already having a meltdown.

Yes, that's right. Yesterday I was a scary, crazy, over hormonal women. I was all over the place. I was so cranky. The kids drove me up the wall, mum this, mum that, homework, taking my little one to the toilet, bath time, trying to cook dinner, husband was working late. I just wanted a break. I just wanted to stop thinking and just be.

Bed time couldn't come quick enough. For the kids and for me really.

My husband came to bed with me, and I lost it. It was too much.. I sobbed. He asked what was wrong.. "I'm frustrated". With me, he asked :(  , NO, with my body. I really thought I would go early this time. I thought perhaps the universe would be on our side for a change, and give me this. Let me go early.

Perhaps, this is my lesson.. Another lesson in patience. That no matter what has happened or is happening we still need patience.

As I was trying to drift of to sleep. I made the decision. Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow will be a beautiful day. No more timing braxton hicks, no more clock watching. I have a strong baby, it's just waiting. My baby know's its birthday, its' just waiting for the day to come to share it with us.

So if baby can wait and be patient, then I am going to try to do the same thing. I can do that...... I think.... :)

How am I doing?

Well, the time is coming very close now. 

I'm 37wks. I can't believe it. This pregnancy really has seemed to have just flown by.. One minute I'm sitting there thinking I have all the time in the world. Then I stop. I think about it. "oh crap, it's here".

How am I doing?

I guess that depends on the day. Somedays I am good, actually most days I am good. I feel good, bubby feels good. I'm just pottering along enjoying everything. 

But then, I have one of 'those' days. 

Like yesterday. I was sad, angry, depressed, felt panic'd, anxious. I'm trying to stop the 'what if's' on these days. I have to believe everything will be ok. We will be ok. I WILL have a happy, healthy, breathing baby at the end of our labour. Bub will simply slide out, peacefully earthside, I will recieve bub, bring bubby up to me and just breath it in and enjoy. I HAVE to believe this will happen. I am visualizing away. 

It's going to be amazing and I can't wait for the warm yummy cuddles. 

Having a bad day

Not a good day here.

I have been in tears most of the day. I have felt constantly sick for the last 2 days. Just this never ending feeling in my stomach and feeling like I need to be sick.

We went to the crematorium today to hand in what we want written on Owen's plaque. It was so hard. I cried all the way there. It was hard to leave the house but I had to do it. For Owen. I got to pick up his ashes, as I wanted to bring him home and have him here with me for a while. We bought a beautiful pewter urn with a little teddy bear on it for him. And I carried him home. This is the first time he has been home since he was born. How wrong is that. The first time he comes home is nearly a month later and he's not safely tucked in our arms. alive.....

We organised to have his hand and foot mouldings done with twinkle toes, and I had to go there today also to pick things out. I got to see his beautiful little hands and feet again. My heart broke. They are so tiny. His little hand mouldings even have his long nails in them. He had such long nails when he was born.

We went to centrelink today to get that paperwork handed in. It's just the absolute last thing you want to do when you loose your child. It was awful. Thank god my husband was with me for all of this..

I know I say it all the time. But I just wish I had my little boy. I miss him so much. xxxxxxx

WHY WHY WHY????