Confused, my fault

I just received Owen's death Certificate in the mail. what a blow this is.. I feel numb. I think I do. I dont know how I feel.

I have just read it, and FUCK...

I don't understand. If we haven't got the results of the autopsy left, how can they write what his cause of Death is???

because right now, after reading the certificate. I really feel like its' my fault. I already felt enough guilt. but now... I can't even talk...

it basically says the reason is post dates, meconium liquor and planned homebirth with precious history of 2 previous caesarean sections...

so basically my baby boy isn't in my arms because of ME!!!!!!!! I feel sick to my stomach...........