Facing my Fears

On friday just gone, I had an appointment with the head OB at the hospital I had Owen in, as this is a possible hospital option for me this time. I am making that decision when I go into labour. 

Anyway, the appointment was ok, although the OB that I am 'only' suppose to see was away, so was a waste of time, not to mention the lecture I got all over again, AND the fact that she hadn't even read my notes in my chart, so had no idea about Owen.. 

But anyway, I then had my appointment after with my bereavement midwife. We worked on my hospital birth plan, and then also went down to the birthing suites to have a look around and see how I go. This is one of the main factors in my going to this hospital. Can I do it?

She asked if I knew what room, I had Owen in. I said 'no, but would like to see it, I need to see it'. As soon as we got down there I knew which room it was. I was fully expecting a break down, and so was she. I walked in and remembered everything.

I saw the bed I birthed him on. I saw the table they used to try to bring him back to life. The chair I sat in after my shower and held my baby boy so close crying, shocked. Where the minister sat to baptise our baby boy. Where my husband bathed our son for the first and last time.

With all of this flooding back to me. I was ok. I am ok. Don't get me wrong I miss him terribly, and it was sad being in there again. But I think I'm ok.

It will still be a choice I make when the time is right and my baby and my body go into labour, but 'if' I choose to go there. I can do it. I will birth my baby and have some different memories for this child.

Counselling

I know people are just trying to help, but I am so sick of hearing the words "have you had counselling yet".

Seriously I have only just lost my baby boy 3.5weeks ago, counselling is the last thing I am thinking about at the moment. Just getting thru each day is hard enough.

How is counselling suppose to help me, has that person been in my situation and lost a child, how can they help, how can they understand if they haven't had this happen to them. In my opinion they can't, all they will do is sit there and listen, and to be honest. I can't even put into words how I am feeling to my husband. I can't even do it without crying. How am I suppose to talk to some complete stranger about my feelings. It just doesn't make sense to me.

But I know, right now. I am not ready to see a counsellor.

Small Steps

Hasn't been a great day today, but a little step I guess is that one of my best friends dropped by today and I was able to talk about Owen.

It was so nice to see her, as I've stayed in my "bubble" for the last few weeks and haven't even been able to say yes to people coming over. But I did it. You would think being one of my best friends, it wouldn't be that big of a deal for her to come over, but for me it was. I have had my certain "people" that I have been able to see like my husband, mum etc. but apart from those few people, I haven't been able to see "outsiders". So today was a step.

She was here for me and we could just sit and be and talk if I wanted. She didn't try to force me to talk about anything in particular. But I did talk about my labour, the birth of Owen, and most importantly talk about Owen. I cried, of course. I miss my son. But it was nice to talk about him. I shared photos of him with her aswell and it was beautiful. I enjoyed being able to share him with her and having a cry.

She even had her little one with her and I had a cuddle (she is 6mnths) It made me think of Owen again and how much I do miss him, but it was nice to have a cuddle

Talking about him seems to be easier than actually talking about my feeling and how I am feeling. So for now this is enough. Writing my feelings is easier, so thats what I do.