A song to share

I just wanted to share this video with you.



This is one of the song's we played at Owen's funeral. I think it speaks for itself. I loved this song before Owen left us, and everytime I hear it I think of him. love you baby boy xxxxxxx

Thoughts

I was replying to a friend's post today, she has also lost a child. While I was writing words just kept coming so I thought I would add them here.

I miss Owen so much all the time. Sometimes I find myself just sitting looking at his things or rubbing my necklace just thinking of him. I haven't left the house since he left us apart from funeral arrangements, his funeral and Adam took me away on the weekend to talk to each other, and even than I just wanted to stay in doors. The only way I was able to go as I knew there would be no one there I knew or who knew I was pregnant. Even still I looked no one in the eye the whole time apart from Adam.

I stay here at home in my bubble as that’s what’s comfortable. I haven't even been able to take the kids to school or pick them up as I can't bear the thought of the looks I might get or someone saying something to me, or even for someone to just hug me and not say anything at all. It's just too hard. I walked to and from school everyday this year with the kids pregnant. And now to be home without my baby or being pregnant is so dam hard.

I have always been of the belief that what you put out you get back. But since Owen left, I have no belief left. How could the universe do this to us. I don’t understand. I don’t think I am a bad person, and always go out of my way for people to help if I can.

I keep trying to think of where all this could have gone wrong. Did I think of things I shouldn't have? Did I put something out there and it's happened? Did Owen not think he would be loved? Did he think we didn't want him? Is this my fault? I am suppose to protect and nurture my baby and I failed.

I'm scared for the day we get the results from Owen's Autopsy. What if they say this is something that I could have helped. I am terrified for that day.

The Secret Garden Meeting - August

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.

I didn't get to create a room for Owen. We didn't find out if he was a boy or girl at our 20wk scan as we wanted the surprise. He was going to be going straight into our room, into a cradle I have used for all my children. Once it was time for him to move onto his own room, we would have worked out what we were going to do. What children were going to share a room etc.

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?

His cradle was all set up and next to our bed on my side. It's still sitting beside our bed all made up. I am not ready to take it down, nor do I want to.

If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?

I didn't cope too well with coming home and seeing his cradle set up, I'm still not. It's the last thing I see before I go to sleep and the first thing I see when I wake up. I still have all his clothes and toys that we bought for him downstairs on the couch with photos of him and other memories of our little boy. I am not ready to move anything yet, and will not move them.

Did you pack it all away?What is your baby's room now?

Again, everything is still out and I won't pack it away. Maybe one day I will be ready too.

Owen's journey Earthside

Where to start? I have no idea. This is the first time I have ever had a blog or even contemplated having one.

I thought maybe starting a blog may help me heal. To get my thoughts and feelings down. And maybe there are others out there going thru what I am or will do in the future (not that I wish it on anyone).

My story started just over 3 weeks ago. I was pregnant with our 5th child. I was 43wks + 2 days pregnant. All was well and bubby was happy and healthy as all scans and monitoring had pointed too. We were planning a beautiful and peaceful Homebirth.

A quick run down.

On friday 7th August 2009, my labour was starting, all by itself. (after having 2 previous c-sections I was overjoyed that my body was doing this). Surges were coming every hr or more, and I was stoked. They continued and went into the night getting closer. YAY!!

Saturday 8th August 2009. This is it. Surges were coming regularly and closer together. My baby was making it's way to us. I laboured all day, having showers when needed. at 11am, the birth pool was getting filled and I was ready for a swim.

In and out of the pool all day whilst having surges. I was in my element. Being surrounded by my husband, my best friend and our midwives. My youngest daughter was coming in and out of the room, checking out the going ons. It truly was a beautiful time. Labouring in my pool with the support that I needed... I can do this... I AM doing this...

At about 10pm, it was noticed that bubs heartrate had decreased. We decided it was safest and best to transfer to hospital. I was also checked at this point and was found to be 7cm dialated. My midwife called the ambulance and the hospital to let them know what was happening and we were coming in. In this time I was lying on the floor, and all of a sudden I was pushing. It was probably about 20mins that I went from 7cm to fully dialated. I didn't even realise. I pushed all the way to hospital (at one point my midwife thought bub would be born in the ambulance).

My beautiful little Owen Edward was born sleeping at 11.42pm on Saturday 8th August 2009, weighing 7lb 5oz. We had a baby boy.

Owen was born without a heartbeat. I am still in shock and finding it hard to come to terms with as they monitored him with the doppler just before he was born and did have a heart beat, and then to be born without one at all. There are no words......

My babies all together

My beautiful baby boy. We will never forget you and I will love you for always. Mummy and Daddy miss you so much, as do your brothers and sisters. We talk about you and I know that as time moves on and our healing continues we will be able to talk about you more and more. My heart aches knowing you couldn't stay with us here on earth, but I know you are with us all for now and always.

I love you my little Owen. xxxxxxx