Coming to terms

Well friday just gone was the end of an era. Our family is complete. No more babies for us.

I know some might think I am crazy. Why would I want to add to our family, we already have 6 children. Truth is. I LOVE IT.

I love being pregnant, I love labor, I love birth, I love babies, I love children. I love it all.

I would so keep going, but I know I have to stop sometime. I know this. It's just hard to get my head around.

I cried when we went to the appointment. Our Dr was good and let us talk some more about it, and was happy to wait, but at the end of the day. Miss T is our last bubba. My husband was amazing. He is amazing.

So now, I am soaking up all the newborn goodness that I can. I am taking nothing for granted. I am doing things I haven't before (co-sleeping), because I don't care. I will never get to have a newborn again.

So. I am going with the flow. Breathing everything in. Taking in every moment.

Welcoming our baby girl into the world

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write and share our story, because it’s a bit raw for me. But I thought that I may help someone one day, and it’s also a way to help myself as well. 

Friday 8^th October 2010.

Tightenings started coming very infrequently that I hardly noticed and just continued on my day. I had had this happen a few times at the end of the pregnancy, so much so at 39wks I thought things were happening.  Just put it down to more Braxton hicks and thought nothing more. I went for a walk in the afternoon in the rain. Was such a lovely walk. Walking under the umbrella. Everything smelt so fresh and new.

Saturday 9^th October 2010 – 1am (my due date)

Things are happening.

I felt weird all day. Felt lost in a way. I was walking around just trying to find things to do. Very restless. I was exhausted, as the night before I was up every 2 hrs for toilet breaks.

Come Saturday afternoon/evening, surges started happening, and really happening. Right from the word go, they were 1min – 1min 30+  in length, and were 3-9mins apart. I had decided to time them a little on my iphone to see what was going on. This could be it, I remember thinking.  The surges were so intense, and where in my back also. I remember struggling to get my groove happening as they just really took my breath away this time. (with Owen’s labor, I think because they started out short and spread out more, I was eased into it… Not this time).

All thru the night I worked thru the surges. There were anywhere from 3mins apart to 9mins apart and always 1min+. Surely things would have to start happening soon.

I got no rest as all night they didn’t stop at all.

Sunday 10^th October 2010

5am – by morning they were still happening, so I thought I would go downstairs and have some breakfast to keep my energy up, before coming back up stairs and seeing if I can rest.

I didn’t get much rest. I tried between surges, but it just wasn’t happening for me. I stayed upstairs in my nest and rested when I could.

Sunday night, surges ramped up again, 3-15mins apart 1min+ long.  Still intense, still in my back and in my front. This continued all night.

I think the most frustrating thing was I was having “contractions” like you would in active labor, but, my labor wasn’t becoming regular. I would go for an hour+ at 3-4 mins apart, then they would slow back to longer gaps (but never more then 15mins apart). There was just no rhyme or rhythm to it.

Sunday again was spent the same as Saturday.

This continued thru the night, no rest, no sleep, just constant. I was starting to loose it a little by now too. I had a break down to my husband. Looking back, I think this is where fear started edging its way in. Not to mention I was just exhausted after days on no sleep.

Monday 11^th October 2010

My husband (bless him) took the day off work, as things were still happening the way they had been for the last few days.

I had been speaking to my midwife all along, and she had popped over to check on bub and me (living around the corner from her is great). She suggested filling the pool. It would either help relax me and get things moving or slow things a little and maybe I could get a little rest.

I filled the pool and would occasionally jump in for a while, if only to get some rest, resting on the bed and up on all fours or leaning over my bed was a favourite position when surges came. I couldn’t stand thru them. I was also worried about using the shower all the time in case the hot water ran out and I needed it later.

The pool was beautiful, I could rest a little with my head on the side in between at times. It was raining outside, and I would just lie in there and watch the rain, before jumping out for a while and doing other things to keep my mind off things.  But again, surges were so intense they would stop me in my tracks and I would have to breath thru them.. there was no walking thru them, that’s for sure.

By Monday afternoon, I had a complete breakdown. I felt weak, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t understand why things weren’t progressing. My midwife called and I cried and cried on the phone to her. I was worried about what was happening and I couldn’t see any further then where I was.

Fear…. Between surges even though I had just felt flitterbub move, I would think “OMG, has bubby moved”, and would be jiggling and poking my belly to get movement. Of course I did every time, but my mind was starting to worry.

I began thinking about Owen a lot, and his labor and birth. If my labor and birth with him could be so beautiful, easy and straight forward, and he was alive right until he was born. What’s going to happen to this baby with all the irregularity.

We decided to see what happened, so I continued on thru the surges. I decided to go back downstairs and try to ignore things and go about my afternoon. Although I tried, I couldn’t when the surges came. I did stop watching the clock though and just went about my business..

7pm Monday night.

I lost it. I was so worried something was going to happen to this baby. I couldn’t see past it. I spoke to hubby and we talking about our options. As much as I wanted a VBA2C again, I couldn’t get my head off “what if something happened to this baby”. It would be my fault. Even though baby was fine, healthy, strong heartbeat, lots of movement, and physically everything was ok with me too. But I just couldn’t stop. I was terrified.

My midwife came over and we spoke some more. She asked me what I wanted. I said “I just want my baby in my arms, I want to know it’s ok. I can’t loose another baby”.

It was asked if I wanted to go to hospital to have my waters broken or something first. I didn’t want to put that distress on my baby and end up with a c-section anyway. So I decided that I would have a c-section.

9.30pm - I rang my counselor’s from the hospital, and spoke to her about what had been happening, was happening, my choices and my decision.  We spoke in length about it all to make sure I was ok with it all (in between surges).

She then called the hospital and organized everything for us.

11.45pm – we left home for the hospital.  I had my heat pack with me as I knew sitting up in the car wouldn’t be comfortable for the trip in. It was still raining.

Tuesday 12^th October 2010

12.30am – monitoring of bubs and getting me ready for surgery. I was walked (slowly) to theatre. Surges had not stopped and where still the same.

2.48am – Tabitha Mae was born. She was lifted up and I got to see her being born. I asked that no one say if she was a boy or a girl, and for us to find out ourselves. “SHE’S A GIRL…  is she ok? Is my baby ok? Is she ok?” yes, she’s perfect.

“is she ok” was all I could say. Even though I could hear her, I couldn’t stop asking.

We got skin to skin as soon as possible. She is perfect, and she’s ok. She’s here.

She weighed 3.9kg or 8lb 13oz, 53cm long and 35cm head.

The cord appeared to be wrapped around her neck a couple of times and I think it was around her leg as well, looking at the pictures we have.

She had her eyes closed from the moment she was born and didn’t open them until I was wheeled into recovery and after hearing my voice. In recovery we got more skin to skin time which was just beautiful. I couldn’t stop looking at her. I let her find her own way to my breast, and she latched on all by herself. What an amazing thing to watch. Since then, she hasn’t stopped. LOL..

I don’t want people to misunderstand me. I am deeply happy that my baby girl is here safely in my arms. It’s just coming to terms with my decisions after the fact. I know now, that I was lead by fear and that’s ok. All I wanted was for Tabitha to be safe and sound and in my arms.  

Maybe one day, someone will read this that has lost a child at birth and maybe, just maybe, I may help with my story. 

Miss Tabitha Mae

Need to get this down and out of my head.

I need to get this down and out of my head..

I am feeling somewhat upset with myself because of Tabitha's birth.

I know how a baby is born doesn't really matter to some, and while it doesn't matter completely and the end of the world for me, it is a big part.

My birthing history pretty much goes,
#1 - induced, every intervention known to man, ending in a c-sec
#2 - spontaneous waters break, left to labour by myself, hospital not allowing me enough time and calling time, ending in another c-sec
#3 - planned homebirth, spontaneous labour, transfer to hospital, vaginal birth, our angel men left for heaven

This time, I planned another VBA2C. The plan was to labour at home, and transfer at 7-8cm. Birth my baby into my arms and then come home.

That however wasn't the way it worked out.  (I do plan to post my birth story in the hopes that if anyone does read my blog, and has lost a child, it may help. prehaps some lost baby mama's may be able to help me too)

Labour was spontaneous again. Starting on my due date. (first time even, I usually have overdue babies). Contractions started straight away at 1min - 1+mins in length and 3-9 mins apart. Very full on, and all in my back and in my front. It continued this way for 3 days. I had little - no sleep/rest.

By the third day, it was all getting to me. I was ok physically, and so was bub. But I was sooo worried something was going to happen to the baby that I just couldn't get into my groove, into my positive mind space. I couldn't relax into my contractions. I couldn't help but think, if Owen's labor and birth was so easy and beautiful, and he didn't make it. What was happening to this baby with 3 days of this and nothing more happening.

My midwife was with me and helping me, as was my husband and my best friend. But I couldn't stop my mind from where it kept going.

I remember between contractions, even though I had just felt the baby move I would think, "OMG, has the baby moved". Then I would start poking and jiggling my belly to get bub to move. She would and I would be ok again, but then I would do it again, and the pattern was just continue.

By monday night, I decided to call for a c-section. And so we went to hospital and our baby was born.

BUT now...... I can't help thinking how weak I am. So many women go thru days like that with the labour and get thru and go on to have a healthy baby. Why couldn't I. I thought I was strong. I am dreamed and visualized this birth so many times, and a c-sec was never part of it. I can't help but think, if I had of just waited a little longer, would I have been ok. Would things have happened naturally.

GOD I HATE THE WHAT IF'S... but I can't stop them...

I will post my birth story this afternoon.. I have to go, Tabitha is wanting me..

IT'S A GIRL

On Tuesday the 12th October 2010, at 02.48am, we welcomed our baby girl into the world.

Tabitha Mae arrived healthy, pink, a little squeal and breathing.

My heart felt like it was going to explode. Even though I could hear her, I kept asking "is she ok, is she ok".

Everything is going well.. She's so gorgeous and her brothers and sisters just adore her.

I'm just so so happy to have her here, safely in my arms..

Meltdown

Why is it, with any other pregnancy I was not fazed by my EDD.

This time, I am not even there yet, and I am already having a meltdown.

Yes, that's right. Yesterday I was a scary, crazy, over hormonal women. I was all over the place. I was so cranky. The kids drove me up the wall, mum this, mum that, homework, taking my little one to the toilet, bath time, trying to cook dinner, husband was working late. I just wanted a break. I just wanted to stop thinking and just be.

Bed time couldn't come quick enough. For the kids and for me really.

My husband came to bed with me, and I lost it. It was too much.. I sobbed. He asked what was wrong.. "I'm frustrated". With me, he asked :(  , NO, with my body. I really thought I would go early this time. I thought perhaps the universe would be on our side for a change, and give me this. Let me go early.

Perhaps, this is my lesson.. Another lesson in patience. That no matter what has happened or is happening we still need patience.

As I was trying to drift of to sleep. I made the decision. Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow will be a beautiful day. No more timing braxton hicks, no more clock watching. I have a strong baby, it's just waiting. My baby know's its birthday, its' just waiting for the day to come to share it with us.

So if baby can wait and be patient, then I am going to try to do the same thing. I can do that...... I think.... :)

Waiting

Still here.. waiting for our flitterbub to arrive...

I haven't reached my EDD yet. I bet you think I'm so silly to be even writing this when I haven't seen that date float by yet. I just really thought I would go early this time. Even though I have always gone overdue in previous pregnancies.. I guess, I just wanted to go early aswell.
To not have to worry.
To not have to stress.
To not have a time limit placed on me.
To surprise everyone.

I know baby knows it's birthday already. I just hope it's soon. But in the meantime, I need to try to relax.. Go with this ride like I did last time.

My Blessingway..

So, Sunday just gone. My sister and my mum held a blessingway for me.

It was such a gorgeous day. After the week we had been having here. Days overcast, and raining on and off. The Sun was out in full force and was such a glorious day.

I had just a few women come over who I hold close to me to form our women circle.

When I first mentioned a blessingway to my sister and that I would like one instead of a baby shower, she had no idea what I was talking about. I just told her I wanted those close to me there, and it was a way to be blessed by them, gain there strength and support for the upcoming birth of our flitterbub.

She went beyond this.

First of all she asked everyone to bring a candle and right a personal message from them to me. I asked that I not see these, as my thoughts are. When labour starts, I want to go to the box she placed them all in, and just select one. Not based on who it's from. So, once labour starts, and I get a surge/tightening, I will select a candle, light it and read the message. I will do this everytime I have a surge until they are all lit.

She then had a special candle in the middle of the table and got my birthing beads off me (I have been wearing these ever since I got them), and blessed them. As well as this, there were cards scattered around the candle and beads, and in each card was a word. The girls would place then hands over my beads, pick up a card, read it aloud and then make a wish.

We then did a wrist binding with everyone. My sister bound each of our wrists together in a circle. When the binding was happening the person would say a word they wish for me (eg, protection, strength etc). Once we were all binded, before the string was cut and negative word was said, for me to release. Release from my fears, gain strength and power.
The string was then plated for me to hold during labour or wear. Whatever I feel comfortable with.

I also read out a poem called "Willow tree". Such a poem that totally relates to me and where I am at.

And as another surprise, my god son, wanted to do something special for me. So he wrote me a poem. It was so so beautiful, was so hard to hold back the tears.

The night before, I had henna done on my belly. The lady wasn't able to come to the blessingway due to other commitments, so came to our house. I LOVE my henna..

my sister even got a turn of doing henna on my belly.. in the pic above :)

this is what it looked like all finished.

and the day after at my blessingway.

Such a beautiful day. I do feel truely blessed, love and supported..

Now.... we wait...