The time came

Last night had me pretty emotional and missing my little man.

I had to delete my photo's of Owen from my camera.

Now I know that I have them in hard copy, on my computer, and on my hubby's computer, and it may seem so silly to some. Those photo's have been on my camera since he was born. I have never, NEVER been able to delete them. They were always with me.

Last night. I had to delete them. I got a new camera and sold my old one, so I had to do it. I felt so weird about it. Almost as if I was deleting Owen from our life.

I know that's not the case, but my gosh. It really was a sad thing to do..

Merry Christmas Owen

I can't believe we are at christmas time already. Another year is nearly over. They just all fly by way too quickly these days.

We all went to visit Owen a week or so ago, and put up his christmas decorations and had a little visit with him.  The kids were really beautiful and made sure he had all his decorations just right.

They had even made him some special decorations that we hung in the branches around and near him. We each wished him a Merry Christmas and said we would be back on Christmas eve to visit.

We also hung our personal baubles on the tree. We had been waiting to put them up until we had Tabitha's. Once we did, the kids were quick to get them all out and make sure we had Owen's all ready to go up aswell.

I can't believe it will be another christmas without our baby boy, but am so blessed to have such wonderful children who still remember him, and include him in everything.

Terrible two's- Myth? I think not....

I honestly thought I would escape this. With my eldest daughter, 'terrible two's' didn't happen. She was fine. Three's however were different, but only so she was just wingy.

Little Miss I however, well that's a different story. I thought we were heading for another miss as she hadn't been that bad. We are nearing her third birthday in March and I really thought we were home free.

It seems this is not the case.

This week so far has been very, VERY trying.

First, she has had a massive regression with going to the toilet. Wetting her pants seems to have become the thing to do, the independence streak has well and truely kicked in, she did a #2 in a leotard yesterday and then got in all over herself (I mean rubbed it on her tummy, up her legs. Yeah, you get the picture) and the floor, she was suppose to be in bed having a sleep, only to find her with the toothpaste from the bathroom and gotten all over herself, her bed and her bedding, oh and she wet the bed.

That was just yesterday...

Today so far, we have had tantrums left, right and centre, vegemite all over and rubbed into our cream carpet, more wetting of pants, 5 costume changes, the list goes on..

All I can hope for at the moment is that when she turns the magical 3, at precisely midnight, it all changes, and when she wakes. It's like it was all just a bad dream.....

*sigh*

It's that time of year again.

I can't believe we are now in december. It just seems so crazy that this year has flown by so quickly.

The christmas tree is up, the kids had so much fun decorating it. They get so into it.

This year is also the first year we have christmas lights on out the front of the house. They ohhh'd and ahhh'd when they got turned on. If it wasn't raining so much at the moment I am sure they would be out the front every night just sitting in the yard and looking at them. And I must admit, my hubby and my dad did a great job. Hopefully the weather fines up so we can spend some time out there at night. It's a really beautiful place.

It really warms my heart, that with all the christmas joy and spirit going around my kids haven't forgotten about their baby brother.

We went to get their photo taken with santa. Last year we had a little red star with Owen's name written on it (a very dear friend gave me this last year (thanks Kris xx)). We took it with us and one of the kids held Owen's star for the photo. It was their way of having him in the photo with them.

This year, we didn't have the star with us (silly mummy :-( ), but they asked if they could wear my necklace and my husbands, it has Owen's fingerprint on it.

They then sat their with santa and had their photo taken, then told santa all about their baby brother.. <3

Guilt

I am feeling all kinds of guilt at the moment.

Guilt for not thinking about Owen as much.
I still think about him, don't get me wrong. It's just not that constant that it use to be. I feel like this shouldn't be happening. He should be a more constant. We can't have him here with us. I need that. I need to see him in my mind. Think about him. That way I know he is here, like I see my other children all the time. I need to see him too.


Guilt for feeling cranky at my husband.
I don't know why, it's just happening. I don't know how to get out of it. It's not something that I can put my finger on why I am feeling this way. It just happens. I don't want it too, but I don't know what to do.

Why can't I be back the way we were. We were good when Tabitha was born and then all of a sudden the cranky pants just appeared and I have been wearing them ever since. Yet Before she was born, and especially in labor, I felt like we were closer then ever. The connection was so strong.

What happened? What am I doing?

I am making time to go back to my counsellor.

It's time.

Coming to terms

Well friday just gone was the end of an era. Our family is complete. No more babies for us.

I know some might think I am crazy. Why would I want to add to our family, we already have 6 children. Truth is. I LOVE IT.

I love being pregnant, I love labor, I love birth, I love babies, I love children. I love it all.

I would so keep going, but I know I have to stop sometime. I know this. It's just hard to get my head around.

I cried when we went to the appointment. Our Dr was good and let us talk some more about it, and was happy to wait, but at the end of the day. Miss T is our last bubba. My husband was amazing. He is amazing.

So now, I am soaking up all the newborn goodness that I can. I am taking nothing for granted. I am doing things I haven't before (co-sleeping), because I don't care. I will never get to have a newborn again.

So. I am going with the flow. Breathing everything in. Taking in every moment.

Welcoming our baby girl into the world

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write and share our story, because it’s a bit raw for me. But I thought that I may help someone one day, and it’s also a way to help myself as well. 

Friday 8^th October 2010.

Tightenings started coming very infrequently that I hardly noticed and just continued on my day. I had had this happen a few times at the end of the pregnancy, so much so at 39wks I thought things were happening.  Just put it down to more Braxton hicks and thought nothing more. I went for a walk in the afternoon in the rain. Was such a lovely walk. Walking under the umbrella. Everything smelt so fresh and new.

Saturday 9^th October 2010 – 1am (my due date)

Things are happening.

I felt weird all day. Felt lost in a way. I was walking around just trying to find things to do. Very restless. I was exhausted, as the night before I was up every 2 hrs for toilet breaks.

Come Saturday afternoon/evening, surges started happening, and really happening. Right from the word go, they were 1min – 1min 30+  in length, and were 3-9mins apart. I had decided to time them a little on my iphone to see what was going on. This could be it, I remember thinking.  The surges were so intense, and where in my back also. I remember struggling to get my groove happening as they just really took my breath away this time. (with Owen’s labor, I think because they started out short and spread out more, I was eased into it… Not this time).

All thru the night I worked thru the surges. There were anywhere from 3mins apart to 9mins apart and always 1min+. Surely things would have to start happening soon.

I got no rest as all night they didn’t stop at all.

Sunday 10^th October 2010

5am – by morning they were still happening, so I thought I would go downstairs and have some breakfast to keep my energy up, before coming back up stairs and seeing if I can rest.

I didn’t get much rest. I tried between surges, but it just wasn’t happening for me. I stayed upstairs in my nest and rested when I could.

Sunday night, surges ramped up again, 3-15mins apart 1min+ long.  Still intense, still in my back and in my front. This continued all night.

I think the most frustrating thing was I was having “contractions” like you would in active labor, but, my labor wasn’t becoming regular. I would go for an hour+ at 3-4 mins apart, then they would slow back to longer gaps (but never more then 15mins apart). There was just no rhyme or rhythm to it.

Sunday again was spent the same as Saturday.

This continued thru the night, no rest, no sleep, just constant. I was starting to loose it a little by now too. I had a break down to my husband. Looking back, I think this is where fear started edging its way in. Not to mention I was just exhausted after days on no sleep.

Monday 11^th October 2010

My husband (bless him) took the day off work, as things were still happening the way they had been for the last few days.

I had been speaking to my midwife all along, and she had popped over to check on bub and me (living around the corner from her is great). She suggested filling the pool. It would either help relax me and get things moving or slow things a little and maybe I could get a little rest.

I filled the pool and would occasionally jump in for a while, if only to get some rest, resting on the bed and up on all fours or leaning over my bed was a favourite position when surges came. I couldn’t stand thru them. I was also worried about using the shower all the time in case the hot water ran out and I needed it later.

The pool was beautiful, I could rest a little with my head on the side in between at times. It was raining outside, and I would just lie in there and watch the rain, before jumping out for a while and doing other things to keep my mind off things.  But again, surges were so intense they would stop me in my tracks and I would have to breath thru them.. there was no walking thru them, that’s for sure.

By Monday afternoon, I had a complete breakdown. I felt weak, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t understand why things weren’t progressing. My midwife called and I cried and cried on the phone to her. I was worried about what was happening and I couldn’t see any further then where I was.

Fear…. Between surges even though I had just felt flitterbub move, I would think “OMG, has bubby moved”, and would be jiggling and poking my belly to get movement. Of course I did every time, but my mind was starting to worry.

I began thinking about Owen a lot, and his labor and birth. If my labor and birth with him could be so beautiful, easy and straight forward, and he was alive right until he was born. What’s going to happen to this baby with all the irregularity.

We decided to see what happened, so I continued on thru the surges. I decided to go back downstairs and try to ignore things and go about my afternoon. Although I tried, I couldn’t when the surges came. I did stop watching the clock though and just went about my business..

7pm Monday night.

I lost it. I was so worried something was going to happen to this baby. I couldn’t see past it. I spoke to hubby and we talking about our options. As much as I wanted a VBA2C again, I couldn’t get my head off “what if something happened to this baby”. It would be my fault. Even though baby was fine, healthy, strong heartbeat, lots of movement, and physically everything was ok with me too. But I just couldn’t stop. I was terrified.

My midwife came over and we spoke some more. She asked me what I wanted. I said “I just want my baby in my arms, I want to know it’s ok. I can’t loose another baby”.

It was asked if I wanted to go to hospital to have my waters broken or something first. I didn’t want to put that distress on my baby and end up with a c-section anyway. So I decided that I would have a c-section.

9.30pm - I rang my counselor’s from the hospital, and spoke to her about what had been happening, was happening, my choices and my decision.  We spoke in length about it all to make sure I was ok with it all (in between surges).

She then called the hospital and organized everything for us.

11.45pm – we left home for the hospital.  I had my heat pack with me as I knew sitting up in the car wouldn’t be comfortable for the trip in. It was still raining.

Tuesday 12^th October 2010

12.30am – monitoring of bubs and getting me ready for surgery. I was walked (slowly) to theatre. Surges had not stopped and where still the same.

2.48am – Tabitha Mae was born. She was lifted up and I got to see her being born. I asked that no one say if she was a boy or a girl, and for us to find out ourselves. “SHE’S A GIRL…  is she ok? Is my baby ok? Is she ok?” yes, she’s perfect.

“is she ok” was all I could say. Even though I could hear her, I couldn’t stop asking.

We got skin to skin as soon as possible. She is perfect, and she’s ok. She’s here.

She weighed 3.9kg or 8lb 13oz, 53cm long and 35cm head.

The cord appeared to be wrapped around her neck a couple of times and I think it was around her leg as well, looking at the pictures we have.

She had her eyes closed from the moment she was born and didn’t open them until I was wheeled into recovery and after hearing my voice. In recovery we got more skin to skin time which was just beautiful. I couldn’t stop looking at her. I let her find her own way to my breast, and she latched on all by herself. What an amazing thing to watch. Since then, she hasn’t stopped. LOL..

I don’t want people to misunderstand me. I am deeply happy that my baby girl is here safely in my arms. It’s just coming to terms with my decisions after the fact. I know now, that I was lead by fear and that’s ok. All I wanted was for Tabitha to be safe and sound and in my arms.  

Maybe one day, someone will read this that has lost a child at birth and maybe, just maybe, I may help with my story. 

Miss Tabitha Mae