Not a happy christmas this year

It's been so hard to get thru this Christmas and it's not even over yet. I have retreated to just sitting in "my corner" again. I have cried myself to sleep. Usually every christmas I am the crazy happy one, getting right into it with the kids and having fun. This year I just can't seem to do it.

We had christmas with my husbands family on sunday. What an awful day. The kids had a great time swimming and playing with there cousins. Me on the other hand. I was sad, crying, angry, numb. I went thru all the emotions. I just didn't want to be there. I went and found a quiet place a couple of times. I one point, I even went into the kids room where they were playing and just lied on the bed near them.

And the thing that pissed me off the most. NOBODY mentioned Owen. NOBODY even asked how I am doing.

My heart isn't in it. My heart at the moment, is with Owen. He should be here with his family, in my arms, having a breastfeed, I should be changing newborn nappies. I would have a 4month old. I want all that more than anything...

I want him back. I want this to all go away to just find out that I have been having a really long sleep and having a really bad nightmare.

Can this year get any worse

I recieved a phone call from my dad this morning.

My nana passed away early hours of this morning.

I am feeling a little of everything at the moment. My Pa (nana's husband) died July last year. I was by his bedside when he took his last breath. My nana and Pa mean the world to me. Once he left us, I knew it would be hard for nana without him. They have been together for so long. She has been lost, broken without him. But still to recieve that phone call today, still shocked me at the same time that it didn't. Does that make sense.

I know she is with Pa again and would be so happy to be with him. But it still hurts. I will miss her so much. I miss Pa so much too.

The only comfort I have from her passing at the moment is that Nana and Pa are together again, and hopefully they have found my little Owen and are looking after him.

Today was suppose to be a good day.

Well, it's 12.23am, 18th December. Today is my 30th birthday.

Any other year, I would have been so excited. Gone to bed early, so I could wake up early. I'm normally like a big kid when it comes to birthdays and Christmas.

Not this year.

I was so looking forward to turning 30 all year. Thinking. "OMG, I will be 30 with 5 kids. I will have a 4 month old, I'll be tired from night feeds and loving snuggly newborn cuddles".

Not this year.

Instead. Here I sit. With my arms empty. In pain. Longing for and missing my baby. I don't want people to think I am ungreatful because I have other children. I know this, and I love them deeply. What is lacking, is my Owen. A piece of my heart and soul that has been taken away from me. A piece that will never be returned.

This year. It is taking all I can to just get by. To just survive my birthday. To make it thru Christmas. To make sure my kids are ok and have a happy Christmas.

So much for any exciting 30th birthday. It's suppose to be an exciting milestone. For me. It's been the worst milestone to reach yet.

Lost

I am feeling so lost at the moment. I so wish to have Owen here. I will I had to gift so I can see him and talk to him. I miss him so much. I wonder what he is doing and where he is? Is he with me, is he around me, my husband or our children?. What is he thinking? Is he happy, is he safe?

I would do anything to have him back. I would do anything to see him again.

It's a cruel world

My friends had a baby yesterday. And while I am happy for them. I still feel like I have been kicked in the guts.

They have what I should have had. They are holding there baby safely and healthy in there arms. They will have there baby at Christmas. My arms are empty. My heart is empty. I feel sad, hurt, pissed off.

They have what I so desperately want and should have had and it hurts.

Really struggling

I haven't been on much anywhere lately.. I just am not doing well with this holiday and not having Owen. I have been crying ALOT... I was just standing in Harvey Norman the other day and just started crying. I have no idea where it came from or anything. It just happened..

I think maybe I am struggling alot more than I am actually letting on to people. I just don't want them to worry about me. I feel like maybe some people feel like I should be moving on by now. I don't know. Today I just felt like, is any of this really worth it. We don't seem to be able to catch a break, and I just can't be bothered. I want my son. I want him so much and I hate this life without him. I feel like a part of me is missing and will never get that back.

I hate it, I hate all of this. I don't want it,