It's been so hard to get thru this Christmas and it's not even over yet. I have retreated to just sitting in "my corner" again. I have cried myself to sleep. Usually every christmas I am the crazy happy one, getting right into it with the kids and having fun. This year I just can't seem to do it.
We had christmas with my husbands family on sunday. What an awful day. The kids had a great time swimming and playing with there cousins. Me on the other hand. I was sad, crying, angry, numb. I went thru all the emotions. I just didn't want to be there. I went and found a quiet place a couple of times. I one point, I even went into the kids room where they were playing and just lied on the bed near them.
And the thing that pissed me off the most. NOBODY mentioned Owen. NOBODY even asked how I am doing.
My heart isn't in it. My heart at the moment, is with Owen. He should be here with his family, in my arms, having a breastfeed, I should be changing newborn nappies. I would have a 4month old. I want all that more than anything...
I want him back. I want this to all go away to just find out that I have been having a really long sleep and having a really bad nightmare.
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