Well, it's 12.23am, 18th December. Today is my 30th birthday.
Any other year, I would have been so excited. Gone to bed early, so I could wake up early. I'm normally like a big kid when it comes to birthdays and Christmas.
Not this year.
I was so looking forward to turning 30 all year. Thinking. "OMG, I will be 30 with 5 kids. I will have a 4 month old, I'll be tired from night feeds and loving snuggly newborn cuddles".
Not this year.
Instead. Here I sit. With my arms empty. In pain. Longing for and missing my baby. I don't want people to think I am ungreatful because I have other children. I know this, and I love them deeply. What is lacking, is my Owen. A piece of my heart and soul that has been taken away from me. A piece that will never be returned.
This year. It is taking all I can to just get by. To just survive my birthday. To make it thru Christmas. To make sure my kids are ok and have a happy Christmas.
So much for any exciting 30th birthday. It's suppose to be an exciting milestone. For me. It's been the worst milestone to reach yet.
I'm so sorry Mel, I wish it was different! I wish you could enjoy your birthday rather than feel pain and ache for baby Owen. A big hug from me. Have you got any plans for today?
ReplyDeleteMilestones become so much more painful and poignant when we have to celebrate without our children. I won't wish you a happy birthday because that would be silly but I hope it's a more gentle day than you expect.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday Melissa. I turned 35 thirty-four days after losing my girls. It was so hard and wrong, but for just one evening I went out with my husband and our close friends and managed to have a few drinks and some fun. It was hard, but okay. In fact my profile pic was from that night. You would never know how much pain I was really in. Anyway...I hope you manage to find a bit of happiness on your special day. Big birthday hugs to you!!XXX
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