I haven't been on much anywhere lately.. I just am not doing well with this holiday and not having Owen. I have been crying ALOT... I was just standing in Harvey Norman the other day and just started crying. I have no idea where it came from or anything. It just happened..
I think maybe I am struggling alot more than I am actually letting on to people. I just don't want them to worry about me. I feel like maybe some people feel like I should be moving on by now. I don't know. Today I just felt like, is any of this really worth it. We don't seem to be able to catch a break, and I just can't be bothered. I want my son. I want him so much and I hate this life without him. I feel like a part of me is missing and will never get that back.
I hate it, I hate all of this. I don't want it,
When Emma first died, a few babylost mothers told me it got worse between 2-4 months out. I suppose some of the numbness is wearing off and we are beginning to feel the permanence of it ... and Christmas too. We were 2 months out last Christmas and it hurt like hell. If people feel like you should be moving on, they don't get it. We try our best to live with it each day and some days are easier than others but we don't "get over" this. EVER. I hope you catch a break soon.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are hurting. Christmas is hard, all of this is hard. Do not listen to others expectations of where you should be. Just be where you are. We have to allow each stage and emotion as it comes in order to heal...*hugs and prayers*
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