A friend just sent me this poem, and I wanted to share it.
God sent to us an angel
but you were just on loan
we cherished you with all our hearts
but soon our time had flown
twas hard, so hard to give you back
for we just loved you so
and how hard it was to say good bye
no one will ever know.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Insomnia
And here I am...... Wide awake...... 12.46am..... I should be asleep..... Isn't that what people do? Normal people! Am I normal anymore? What is normal?
Why is it I can feel tired but yet sleep doesn't come?
Normal can't be a place where people loose babies..... Who wants to have this pain..... No one..... But yet, here we are..... A place where it happens more than people know or think..... It's just no one talks about it.....
Why is it I can feel tired but yet sleep doesn't come?
Normal can't be a place where people loose babies..... Who wants to have this pain..... No one..... But yet, here we are..... A place where it happens more than people know or think..... It's just no one talks about it.....
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Really happening
I got a phone call on Wednesday letting me know Owen's plaque and picture is ready for his headstond.
Today we went up to the cremetorium to decide where we wanted it put on the stone.
It's been a hard day, it's been a hard week. For some reason I am crying more this week and I dont know why. Today especially but I know thats because the time is getting nearer where we lay our boy in the ground in the baby memorial garder.
It's like doing that today was making this all real. This is real. I am a mummy to 5 gorgeous children, but only have 4 here in my arms. I dont' want this reality. I want all 5 of my babies in my arms.
Reality is sad and cruel.
Today we went up to the cremetorium to decide where we wanted it put on the stone.
It's been a hard day, it's been a hard week. For some reason I am crying more this week and I dont know why. Today especially but I know thats because the time is getting nearer where we lay our boy in the ground in the baby memorial garder.
It's like doing that today was making this all real. This is real. I am a mummy to 5 gorgeous children, but only have 4 here in my arms. I dont' want this reality. I want all 5 of my babies in my arms.
Reality is sad and cruel.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Sleepless nights
I'm lying here in bed. Another night of not sleeping. Seems to be my life now. I use to be an 'in bed by 9.30pm' kind of girl. Now, it's 12.06 and I am fully awake. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is my precious boy.
Tonight when I close my eyes to 'try' to go to sleep, I see my babies funeral. Sitting there and looking at his tiny casket with all his toys around him. Having to walk away at the end. Bloody hell, I cry again now just writing about it. I hated leaving him there.
I hate that he was taken away from me. I hate this. This feeling of loss, of grief, of emptiness, I think feeling numb too. I know I have my husband, children, family and friends. I know this, but it doesn't take those feeling away.
I miss my youngest son. I miss my baby. I want him back. I want this all just be a bad dream and to wake up now. I don't want to do this anymore.
PLEASE JUST LET ME WAKE UP NOW!
Tonight when I close my eyes to 'try' to go to sleep, I see my babies funeral. Sitting there and looking at his tiny casket with all his toys around him. Having to walk away at the end. Bloody hell, I cry again now just writing about it. I hated leaving him there.
I hate that he was taken away from me. I hate this. This feeling of loss, of grief, of emptiness, I think feeling numb too. I know I have my husband, children, family and friends. I know this, but it doesn't take those feeling away.
I miss my youngest son. I miss my baby. I want him back. I want this all just be a bad dream and to wake up now. I don't want to do this anymore.
PLEASE JUST LET ME WAKE UP NOW!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Lighting a candle for our Angels.
Today is International Pregnancy and Infant loss day.
I lite a candle for my sweet little man Owen, and also for my good friends who have also lost Lola and Emily, and a special little candle for all the other little angels no longer with us.
Thinking of you all today
xxxxx
I lite a candle for my sweet little man Owen, and also for my good friends who have also lost Lola and Emily, and a special little candle for all the other little angels no longer with us.
Thinking of you all today
xxxxx
Sunday, October 11, 2009
It's the little things
If it wasn't for my children, I highly doubt that I would get up everyday and continue with life. A Life without my youngest son Owen. For ME, my kids are the ones keeping me from staying in the "big black hole", that is so easy to fall into.
This weekend, Saturday was a bit of a quiet day. I was sitting in my corner of the lounge room with the music channel on. Owen's song "last day on earth, by Kate Miller-Heidke" came on. Everytime I hear this song, I don't care where I am, or how much it hurts. I listen to it. I turn it up and Listen and remember my sweet little boy. The words are so true for me.
So I was sitting here, listening, and watching. My eldest daughter, Ashlee, heard it on and came out to sit and watch "Owen's song". Listening to it. I started to cry (like I do every time). She saw me crying, and Adam rubbing my back. She walked over to me, and gave me a big hug and a kiss. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to. Next thing I know, she must have gone out to the other room and told my son Mackenzie to come in and give me a hug. He walked in and saw me, bent over and gave me a kiss and cuddle. Indianna was hot on his heals, she looked up at me, put her arms up in the air for me to pick her up. I picked her up and sat her on my lap. She turned to look at me, put her arms around me and patted and rubbed my back. Bear in mind, Indianna in only 19mths old. I tell you, children can sense so many things.
My children were my saviours on Saturday.
Today, Sunday. We went on a road trip to Maryborough. My nana is very sick and we aren't sure how much longer she is going to be with us. So I wanted to go and see her. It was a nice trip, with the family.
On the way home, we stopped for hubby to get a coffee. He told the kids to hop out and stretch their legs before we hit the road again. So I look over at the kids to see what they are up to. And there they all are, my 3 eldest "stretching there legs" like they are about to do exercise or run a race.
I laughed so much. I good belly laugh. These haven't happened much at all over the last 9 weeks. (Actually I would be able to count on one hand and still have fingers left free of how many times I have had a good laugh.) It was hilarious.
My children. They are my reason for not going too deeply into that "big black hole".
This weekend, Saturday was a bit of a quiet day. I was sitting in my corner of the lounge room with the music channel on. Owen's song "last day on earth, by Kate Miller-Heidke" came on. Everytime I hear this song, I don't care where I am, or how much it hurts. I listen to it. I turn it up and Listen and remember my sweet little boy. The words are so true for me.
So I was sitting here, listening, and watching. My eldest daughter, Ashlee, heard it on and came out to sit and watch "Owen's song". Listening to it. I started to cry (like I do every time). She saw me crying, and Adam rubbing my back. She walked over to me, and gave me a big hug and a kiss. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to. Next thing I know, she must have gone out to the other room and told my son Mackenzie to come in and give me a hug. He walked in and saw me, bent over and gave me a kiss and cuddle. Indianna was hot on his heals, she looked up at me, put her arms up in the air for me to pick her up. I picked her up and sat her on my lap. She turned to look at me, put her arms around me and patted and rubbed my back. Bear in mind, Indianna in only 19mths old. I tell you, children can sense so many things.
My children were my saviours on Saturday.
Today, Sunday. We went on a road trip to Maryborough. My nana is very sick and we aren't sure how much longer she is going to be with us. So I wanted to go and see her. It was a nice trip, with the family.
On the way home, we stopped for hubby to get a coffee. He told the kids to hop out and stretch their legs before we hit the road again. So I look over at the kids to see what they are up to. And there they all are, my 3 eldest "stretching there legs" like they are about to do exercise or run a race.
I laughed so much. I good belly laugh. These haven't happened much at all over the last 9 weeks. (Actually I would be able to count on one hand and still have fingers left free of how many times I have had a good laugh.) It was hilarious.
My children. They are my reason for not going too deeply into that "big black hole".
Monday, October 5, 2009
Another small step.
I made another small step today.
I went (with my husband and Indianna) to pick up my 3 kids from school. It's the first time I have been there since before Owen was born. My husband had taken over taking the kids to and from school before I had Owen to give me a little break (greatly appreciated at 43wks pregnant).
But today. I did it. I went to school. I picked up my kids.
I cried as we walked up to the school and had to stop and take some deep breathes, but I did it.
Some people might think whats the big deal. Well to me it was a big deal. My youngest son started Prep this year, and all year every morning and every afternoon when I have gone to school I was pregnant. I met mums in my son's class and they all have known me as being pregnant and have been there for just about my whole pregnancy. When Owen was born, some of the mums even came to the funeral to support us, and made us meals to help out. They even offered to get the kids for us to and from school.
So as you can see, Owen was a big part of "school". Walking in there today without him, well it was another kick in the guts (I was just talking a friend about "kicks in the guts" today, and she was right. they never stop).
One small step. But I did it, with help, but I did it all the same. Tomorrow I will take another small step and do it again.
I went (with my husband and Indianna) to pick up my 3 kids from school. It's the first time I have been there since before Owen was born. My husband had taken over taking the kids to and from school before I had Owen to give me a little break (greatly appreciated at 43wks pregnant).
But today. I did it. I went to school. I picked up my kids.
I cried as we walked up to the school and had to stop and take some deep breathes, but I did it.
Some people might think whats the big deal. Well to me it was a big deal. My youngest son started Prep this year, and all year every morning and every afternoon when I have gone to school I was pregnant. I met mums in my son's class and they all have known me as being pregnant and have been there for just about my whole pregnancy. When Owen was born, some of the mums even came to the funeral to support us, and made us meals to help out. They even offered to get the kids for us to and from school.
So as you can see, Owen was a big part of "school". Walking in there today without him, well it was another kick in the guts (I was just talking a friend about "kicks in the guts" today, and she was right. they never stop).
One small step. But I did it, with help, but I did it all the same. Tomorrow I will take another small step and do it again.
Never to be forgotten
I cried myself to sleep last night. I was thinking about Owen's funeral and how much it hurt to leave him. I just wanted to run up to him, and never let him go. Hold him. Kiss him. Have him with me. Not like this.
So today. I was looking thru all the things I have for him. I still have it all sitting in the lounge room. I can see it from where I sit and look at it all the time. I have been teaching Indianna how to say Owen, and when I ask her where Owen is, she looks over to the corner where all his things are. Walks over there and just looks at his things and say "Owweee, ohhhhhhh".
I took a couple of photos of Owen's things as I wanted to share them. I don't want Owen to be forgotten, so I want to share just a couple of the things we bought for him.
Owen's first nappy
So today. I was looking thru all the things I have for him. I still have it all sitting in the lounge room. I can see it from where I sit and look at it all the time. I have been teaching Indianna how to say Owen, and when I ask her where Owen is, she looks over to the corner where all his things are. Walks over there and just looks at his things and say "Owweee, ohhhhhhh".
I took a couple of photos of Owen's things as I wanted to share them. I don't want Owen to be forgotten, so I want to share just a couple of the things we bought for him.
Owen's first nappy
One of the outfits we bought for him
My best friends mum knitted this for Owen
And lastly. Owen, I put you up on the wall on Saturday. You are right where we can see you all the time. I hope you like it.
We love you very much little man. xxxxx
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Owen's visit
Yesterday I had a reading done with a clairvoient. I was desperately hoping Owen would be there. I have been so afraid and upset at the thought that he is angry, upset or blamed me for this happening. It has been on my mind so often.
The reading was great. She used Tarot cards this time, and it was all so accurate.
But the thing that sticks out the most to me is that my little boy was there. I cried when she started to describe what she was seeing/being told. It was my Owen. He was there with us.
She described him perfectly. Even describing things that I, Adam or the kids did when he was in my belly. I still just can't believe he was there. He loved when Adam would rub my tummy and cuddle him, and when the kids would kids and cuddle him thru my belly. She said he remembers this all the time, and really loved it.
She described him being very little (which he was), and frail. She told me even if he had of survived labour he wouldn't have been with us very long as he was very sick. I asked if anything would have changed if I had him earlier, to which she said no. He may have been with us for a couple of weeks, but this was his path. She mentioned how long he had held on and stayed with my in my tummy for, and said that he was very happy in there and was prolonging his time with me. God I'm crying now just talking about it. He's not angry with me, and doesn't blame me at all. He told me there was nothing I could have done to change him leaving us. Still breaks my heart to know that, but I am so glad I got to meet him.
He did mention to her that he wants his picture on our wall. I have his twinkle toes here with all his clothes, toys, keepsakes and beautiful things we have been sent. It is all in the loungeroom in my area I had set up as our birthing space. I had to laugh that he mentioned this. I have been just trying to find the right place to put it up.
He is my angel. I have learnt alot from him. I have learnt to have more patience. I have learnt to believe in myself and my body, to trust myself. I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to. And while some days it is hard to remember these things, I will try to remember this always. Even on my darkest days when nothing helps to ease my pain. I will never forget my beautiful sweet boy.
The reading was great. She used Tarot cards this time, and it was all so accurate.
But the thing that sticks out the most to me is that my little boy was there. I cried when she started to describe what she was seeing/being told. It was my Owen. He was there with us.
She described him perfectly. Even describing things that I, Adam or the kids did when he was in my belly. I still just can't believe he was there. He loved when Adam would rub my tummy and cuddle him, and when the kids would kids and cuddle him thru my belly. She said he remembers this all the time, and really loved it.
She described him being very little (which he was), and frail. She told me even if he had of survived labour he wouldn't have been with us very long as he was very sick. I asked if anything would have changed if I had him earlier, to which she said no. He may have been with us for a couple of weeks, but this was his path. She mentioned how long he had held on and stayed with my in my tummy for, and said that he was very happy in there and was prolonging his time with me. God I'm crying now just talking about it. He's not angry with me, and doesn't blame me at all. He told me there was nothing I could have done to change him leaving us. Still breaks my heart to know that, but I am so glad I got to meet him.
He did mention to her that he wants his picture on our wall. I have his twinkle toes here with all his clothes, toys, keepsakes and beautiful things we have been sent. It is all in the loungeroom in my area I had set up as our birthing space. I had to laugh that he mentioned this. I have been just trying to find the right place to put it up.
He is my angel. I have learnt alot from him. I have learnt to have more patience. I have learnt to believe in myself and my body, to trust myself. I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to. And while some days it is hard to remember these things, I will try to remember this always. Even on my darkest days when nothing helps to ease my pain. I will never forget my beautiful sweet boy.
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