Finally.... We made a decision...

Finally.. finally, I have made a decision for Owen's first birthday.

We are going to go up to visit Owen mid morning. I have organised to buy some butterflies and will pick them up on Saturday at some stage. Then sunday morning we will head up to the cemetry and wish his a happy 1st birthday and release the butterflies.

Then in the afternoon, we are going to have an afternoon tea at the park (weather permitting, hopefully it will be a beautiful day). We are just having our families and closest friends. The kids can play and run a muck on all the swings, there will be lollies and savoury, and most importantly.... A cake..  I am also organising balloons (I am thinking blue, maybe another colour too.. not sure), and we will release them. I'm hoping to take lots of photo's of the day, and will put them in Owen's photo album.

I just want the day to be fun for the kids.. It's going to be hard enough to get thru, and they remember there baby brother so fondly.

My son is already making things for him. He came home from school yesterday and showed me what he has been making.. He made him a butterfly and wrote 'ben 10' on it (such a boy).. It's green and so him. He wants to give it to Owen... He is so proud of himself, and so am I. I'm so proud of them all. They talk about him when they want. I LOVE it.

One of the things making me more sad at the moment, is I was so scared of this day coming and knew I wanted to do something, but just couldn't make up my mind. Suddenly this week I realised the date. Too late to do invitations (I wanted to do personal one from my computer) but have left it to late. Add to that, the program I usually use, I can't use on this computer (i'm pretty sure). So I have had to contact people by phone or email. Not what I had planned...

So now, it's just a matter of getting to next sunday and making it thru.

Our flitterbub

Between all that is going on with the lead up to Owen's birthday, I wanted to also talk about our flitterbub..

I am nearing 29wks now, and feeling ok. We had a scan on monday, we were asked to have this scan to check on bubs growth and well being just to make sure everything was ok after loosing Owen. I have never had another scan again after the 20wk scan, so I was a little nervous the night before and the morning of.

The scan went well. We had the head technician come in and do it for us. He is aware of loosing Owen last year, so he was very thorough and told us what he was doing as he was doing it. He's so down to earth and really put us at ease.

Flitterbub is happy and healthy and kicking around. Funnily enough, bub's feet are down near it's head.

As you can see on the pic. :)




Was funny when the scanner was trying to get in to show us bubs face and get some pictures, cause all we could keep seeing was feet or hands over it's face. But we finally got one.







Bub is head down, so hopefully stays that way.


Apart from that, I am doing ok. Sleep is pretty hit and miss, actually more miss then hit lately, but eh, you get that.

It's getting closer

As Owen's birthday draws nearer and nearer, I find myself slightly all over the place. I can't make decisions, I am forgetting things worse then before, My emotional state is all ove rthe place. One minute I am smiling, the next I am cranky, crying, not wanting to be around people. It just doesn't seem to be ending..

I know it's probably a combination of Owen's birthday (god I miss him) and the pregnancy hormones.

We have decided to have a little afternoon tea with family and close friends. I am going to get a cake for Owen and just have some nibblies. For any children that will be here I am going to get some balloons for them to release for Owen.

In the morning we are going to go and visit where Owen rests, I am organising to get some butterflies. As a family, we will all release a butterfly each and spend some time with him.

I hope he will be with us at some stage of the day, if he can't be with us all day. And I hope he knows how much we love him and miss him...

In memory of Owen Edward

With Owen's first birthday coming up I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride..

Somedays I am ok and happy, other days I am so down and can't really pin point an exact 'reason' its just that feeling. When I'm asked "whats wrong", I just shrug.

I always said that we would do something for Owen's birthday, but the closer it's getting, the harder it's getting. Harder to get thru the days. Harder to make a decision of what to do.

I know I don't "have" to do something. But I want to. I just can't decide on what. I also feel like if I don't acknowledge his birthday and him, then it's letting other peopl do this aswell. He is still my son, even though he can't be seen.

The only thing I have made my mind up to do to is to run a Teddy Bear Drive.

When Owen was born, because it was all so quick, we had nothing with us. We never expected that our baby would never be coming home with us. When in hospital we were given a little teddy bear. I have photos of Owen cuddling his bear and it was all we had until someone came in. I will be forever greatful for the people who run this. Owen slept with the teddy when he wasn't in my arms. And then when we had to say goodbye and leave him, his teddy and his blanket is all I had. I slept with both for months and months.

So, in memory of Owen I am putting out there. If anyone would like to donate (it doesn't matter how much), for every $20 raised a bear will be donated in Owen's name to another family who will go thru loosing a child.

Here is Owen's Memorial page

There are 6 babies stillborn everyday in Australia, and if this is all I can do for now, then I will do my best. I do plan to volunteer or something to help families soon.

An update

Well after posting yesterday, I decided to go to the hospital and have it checked out. 'just in case'.

All is well, bubby is happy and bouncing all over the place, cervix is closed and waters intact. Has some swabs taken and will find out the results in 2-3 days if it's not good. Otherwise, no news is good news..

I just couldn't continue with it playing on my brain all the time. I think at the end of the day, Owen left us due to infection. We don't know what sort of infection or how he got it as it was never able to be picked up in any testing that was done. So at least I know, that things are ok.

Easy.... I think not!

Isn't school holidays suppose to be easy...

ahhhhhh NO... well not for me anyway.. Kids, for sure.. they love it..

So far these school holiday I have been sick most of the time. I got the flu, and got it so bad, my husband banned me to bed. You might think that sounds great, and whilst it was, it's also boring. So then I start feeling better and think, "sweet, a couple of days in bed and I have kicked this".
Sadly, not so. A couple of days later it beat me down even worse. I was exhausted, couldn't breathe properly, sore ears, sore throat, a cough that just wouldn't give up (you get the gist). Now, I know that everyone gets sick, but I think when your pregnant it just sux. Nothing can be done, you just have to suck it up.

So then we get to this weekend.. "Mrs cranky pants" I was. My god.. I was horrible.

The day started out just wrong, I have been freaking out. TMI - I know you are to expect a certain amount of discharge with pregnancy, but on sunday I had a little gush. Cue me freaking out. What if something happened to the baby.. I rang my midwife and started crying. She said that with consequtive pregnancies, that the discharge can increase. We spoke for a while and she put my mind at ease (for now). Then the crankyness really kicked in. I even went for a walk hoping that the fresh air would help.. NOPE...

Went to be early sunday night, woke up at 4am with cramps.. WHAT THE HELL.. at about 5.30am, the vomitting started. So began my next 24hrs. I couldn't stop, I was in pain from the amount I was vomitting, I couldn't keep anything down. I was either lying on bed, or in the toilet, (for one thing or another). By last night, my tummy was so so sore and having pains, my back ached and I was just misserable and crying.

So now, I have an irritable uterus (hopefully that goes away). I just have to stay calm and try and relax. I was so close to being taken to hospital, luckily, the vomitting stopped (slowed) and I was able to keep some fluids down.

All of this on school holidays. It couldn't happen on a day the kids are at school and would be made easier. Oh well.. such is life. back to the couch for me.