Awake again. No surprise really. I decided I should try to come to bed early to try to sleep. But here I am. Wide awake.
I wonder when sleep will come back to me. Will it ever? I was feeling so tired tonight, but as much as I try I just can't bring myself to come to bed or go to sleep before 11.42pm.
Is there something wrong with me?
I just checked on Indianna (20 months old) before coming to bed. This seems to be a habit I have picked up again. I can't walk into her room without checking to see if she's ok. Placeing my hand on her belly to make sure she's breathing. Touch her hand, her face.
I was looking down on her in her cot tonight holding her hand, and oh god, I saw Owen. She looked so much like him. Her little nose and mouth. It's the same as Owen's. I just miss him so dam much.
I have been part of an online mums group for both Indi and Owen. They have both been great supports to me whilst I was pregnant and beyong an now also going thru the hardest thing I think I will ever go thru. It's saddens me so much that I am not visiting them as much anymore. Mainly my July mummies. I live them all, but god. It's just so so hard. I want to be there more for them as slot are first time mums. But it hurts too much at times. Especially at the moment. Coming up to milestones. Some are talking about starting solids. And although Owen is the youngest in the group it just makes me think of what would have been coming. It's just the little things. But it's surprising how much the little things can hurt. They are talking about doing a secret Santa at the moment aswell. Just another thing I miss out on because for some unknown and stupid reason someone took my baby away from me.
I just wish I could be in a better place to help them and be there for all these beautiful ladies and mummies that have helped me so much.
Hey it's the same as me babe. I feel bad too cause I've been given so much support and love but sometimes visiting and seeing pictures of new babies and talk of two under two totally cuts through me, I was nearly part of that club but for some reason it was taken away. B and I have been thinking of you guys heaps this last week. Always here for you lovely and sending you the biggest, warmest hug you can take.
ReplyDeleteSweetheart, I am sure others feel the same way as me. Take your time, we are here for you no matter what and for as long as you need us. One day things will ge easier, one day. But until then lean on those of us who are there for you, thats what we want for you.
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