Waiting

I'm so tired. I'm so ready. Ready to meet our baby. Ready to have our baby in my arms. Safely, healthy.. I'm ready.

I feeling quite put out today. I'm not sure what it is. I feel a bit off. I'm really, really tired. To the point where I can barely keep my eyes open. It's school holidays and I have just had it.. lol

I keep looking at any little sign. Wishing. Hoping, it's my turn. I know baby will come when it's ready, but to be honest. I would be a whole lot more comfortable and at ease if it would come earlier then later. 

No pressure of course baby, but mummy it SO ready to meet you now. 

I had my blessingway yesterday. I will have to come back to write about it, but I will say. It was a truely beautiful day. 

xxxxxx

School Holiday...

It's the second day of the school holidays. It's raining, the kids are stuck inside, this weather plays havoc with them. They are all over the place.. Just what I need coming up to 38wks. 

I was talking to my sis yesterday and said "I have an uncanny knack of being in my later pregnancy for school holidays". It was the same with Owen. lol.. 

Although I am LOVING this weather, I do occasionally wish for the sun to shine just enough for the kids to go outside and run off all there energy. Then it can rain again. 

How am I doing?

Well, the time is coming very close now. 

I'm 37wks. I can't believe it. This pregnancy really has seemed to have just flown by.. One minute I'm sitting there thinking I have all the time in the world. Then I stop. I think about it. "oh crap, it's here".

How am I doing?

I guess that depends on the day. Somedays I am good, actually most days I am good. I feel good, bubby feels good. I'm just pottering along enjoying everything. 

But then, I have one of 'those' days. 

Like yesterday. I was sad, angry, depressed, felt panic'd, anxious. I'm trying to stop the 'what if's' on these days. I have to believe everything will be ok. We will be ok. I WILL have a happy, healthy, breathing baby at the end of our labour. Bub will simply slide out, peacefully earthside, I will recieve bub, bring bubby up to me and just breath it in and enjoy. I HAVE to believe this will happen. I am visualizing away. 

It's going to be amazing and I can't wait for the warm yummy cuddles. 

Facing my Fears

On friday just gone, I had an appointment with the head OB at the hospital I had Owen in, as this is a possible hospital option for me this time. I am making that decision when I go into labour. 

Anyway, the appointment was ok, although the OB that I am 'only' suppose to see was away, so was a waste of time, not to mention the lecture I got all over again, AND the fact that she hadn't even read my notes in my chart, so had no idea about Owen.. 

But anyway, I then had my appointment after with my bereavement midwife. We worked on my hospital birth plan, and then also went down to the birthing suites to have a look around and see how I go. This is one of the main factors in my going to this hospital. Can I do it?

She asked if I knew what room, I had Owen in. I said 'no, but would like to see it, I need to see it'. As soon as we got down there I knew which room it was. I was fully expecting a break down, and so was she. I walked in and remembered everything.

I saw the bed I birthed him on. I saw the table they used to try to bring him back to life. The chair I sat in after my shower and held my baby boy so close crying, shocked. Where the minister sat to baptise our baby boy. Where my husband bathed our son for the first and last time.

With all of this flooding back to me. I was ok. I am ok. Don't get me wrong I miss him terribly, and it was sad being in there again. But I think I'm ok.

It will still be a choice I make when the time is right and my baby and my body go into labour, but 'if' I choose to go there. I can do it. I will birth my baby and have some different memories for this child.

Beautiful Dreaming

I had THE most beautiful dream last night, and I just wanted to share. 

I dreamt that I was in labour and hubby and my midwife were there. I was so so quiet and just going thru my surges and just LOVING being in labour and knowing I would be meeting our flitterbub soon. 

Everything was so beautiful and peaceful (we were outside, not sure why). All of a sudden we decide to move somewhere else so I can birth bubby into the world. 

As we were walking I started getting the urge to push. After pushing and not liking it last time (I did hypnobirthing, and pushing is not what I learnt), I remembered to just 'breathe the baby down'. So we are walking and I am breathing bub down (not sure how this would happen IRL, but hey, it's my dream.. haha). As I'm walking my midwife says, "Melissa, put your hands down and receive your baby". 

So I did, and there was our baby. I pulled baby up to my chest, and had a cuddle. So beautiful. Bubby was healthy, in my arms, breathing and just gorgeous.

I checked to see what it was (we haven't found out), and we had a girl. I even got her name. She was so so sooooo beautiful..

Such a lovely way to wake up.

Today....

I was just sitting here and glanced down at my calender. 17th August.

I'm not sure why, but the date sounded so familiar and like there was something I was suppose to be doing. A birthday? An appointment? what have I missed?

Then it occured to me. On the 17th August last year at this time, we had just said good bye to our sweet little baby boy at his funeral.

Owen's Birthday

So Sunday just gone, was Owen's 1st Birthday, and what a day.

We got up nice and early. My husband was singing happy birthday to Owen, and each time one of the kids came down and out to us downstairs he would yell "happy birthday Owen", to which the kids would yell the same.  I couldn't get as quite into it as they were, but I was just glad that they were having a nice day and not too sad.

Once we were all ready, we went up to the cemetry to visit and wish our boy happy birthday. We were armed with butterflies, teddies and a tigger balloon. The kids each handmade a birthday card for Owen, that we decided would stay here in his special keepsake box. They each did such a good job and wrote some beautiful and touching things inside.

We were blessed with such a gorgeous day. There was not a cloud in the sky, the sun was out and gorgeous and it was just right. Not too cold for winter, but not warm either. Just perfect (I think Owen might have had a hand in that).  :)

Here's a few pics

When we got there, Jay (my eldest) and Indi went up to see Owen. In this pic Indi is blowing Owen a kiss.

All our kids together (including my god son)

Me placeing some of his presents down with him.

Owen with his some of his presents..

We decided to have a butterfly release for Owen for his birthday. I have loved butterflies since I was a little girl, and I felt this was something we could share.

We went to pick up the butterflies the day before.

In this picture I have just handed each of the kids there butterfly to open and release.

We didn't get a picture of the kids releasing them, because they were just to fast. lol

We did get Indi releasing here (mainly because I was there to help her :)  )

she was so fascinated by it. She loves butterflies aswell.











The butterfly I released, then flew to a near by plant and stayed there for a while. When I went over to it, it still stayed, so I put my finger out under it, and it sat on my finger for a while, before then flying off.. It was so so beautiful. Maybe my baby boy was there with us. I really hope so.

In the afternoon, I had asked our family and very close friends to come to a get together in the park down the street. Just an afternoon tea. It was beautiful. There was a playground for all the kids to play in and run around and be crazy like kids do, like Owen would have wanted to do also.

I had arranged to get a mixture of blue balloons for each of the children that were there, so they could each release a balloon for Owen.

We went out to an open area of the park, I gave all the kids a balloon each. I counted to 3, we all yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY OWEN" and then the balloons were released.

Such a beautiful day. The only thing that could have made it better would to have had our boy with us in our arms.

Happy Birthday baby boy. We miss you so much everyday, but I know you couldn't stay with us as much as it hurts.
I hope you are looking over us and proud of what we have done.
I hope you had a great birthday and had a big party celebrating with the other angels in heaven.

Love you forever and always.

Until the day we meet again and I can hold you in my arms..
Mummy xxxxx