Today was hard. Just walking into the hospital was hard enough, without even thinking about the reason we actually had to be there.
I dont' know where to start or what to think. I feel like I am all over the place, and trying to make sense. It's all feels like I am on the outside looking in and not really remembering what I was looking at.
We got the results today. They told us that Owen died because of infection. We don't know when the infection could have started or how the infection got in. They don't have answers for that. Although we have asked them to see if they can give us a bit more information.
The report states that Owen died "just before birth", yet the Dr today was trying to say that they think he died long before that, and that they were actually picking up my heart rate instead of his. Which we whole heartedly disagree with. My midwife was keeping a close eye on both of our heart rates and there was a difference. Mine was usually around 70 and Owen's was 120. I don't understand why she was trying to say this. Even I remember in the birth suite the hospital midwife was right next to me checking his heart rate, and I remember her saying it was 120. I know just before he was born it dropped to 60.
He had also swallowed alot of meconium. It was all in his lungs. So even if they had have been able to resucitate, he probably wouldn't have made it anyway... yeah, I feel like absolute shit.
The placenta and cord and everything was ok. It wasn't breaking down and not doing it's job. As thats what can start happening when a baby goes post dates.
The doctor kept saying to us 'this is good news' because we had a reason and he didn't die because of my "choices". I'm sorry but NO.... this isn't 'good news'. Good news would be having my baby boy here with me, in my arms, ALIVE. This is NOT 'good news'.
I guess I should be comforted by the fact that there was actually a reason that they could give us. But I dont' know if I really do. All I can think about now, is how selfish I feel for wanting to have a vaginal birth.
I asked at one point if I had of had a c-sec at 38wks would he still be here. The Dr said 'yes, probably'. Of course I started sobbing. that's just what I wanted to hear right? NOT!!! why did I even ask the question, because now I feel absolutely broken. My midwife made a point though that we dont' know if he would have made it. He was so little and might not have been ready to be born and there could have been other problems we had to deal with.
I dont' know what to think now. I feel numb. I pretty much zoned out during the meetin after they said he died 'because of infection'. I keep getting told that it's not my fault and I have nothing to feel guilty for. Of course I am going to feel guilty. I will always carry guilt for not having my son here. Even working thru my emotions now, I feel guilty. I know that I did everything possible for my son, and did so much research into the choices that we made, but at the end of the day, it doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't bring Owen back......
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Tomorrow is the day
Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow we find out what the hospital found as to why our little boy couldn't stay with us.
To say I am scared, would be an understatement.
I know people keep telling me that you can't worry about the 'what if's', but in truth. That is something that I can't stop. I don't think anyone could or would be able to stop thinking this way.
What happens if they found out that his reason for dieing was something that was in my control to change. It is possible that they could have found something to indicate this. I am so so scared that it could happen. I already feel guilty enough that I wasn't able to protect Owen and bring him into this world safely. That is my job as a mother and I failed. I failed in my job in the worst possible way. My son isn't here, and that is something that will live with me for the rest of my life.
To say I am scared, would be an understatement.
I know people keep telling me that you can't worry about the 'what if's', but in truth. That is something that I can't stop. I don't think anyone could or would be able to stop thinking this way.
What happens if they found out that his reason for dieing was something that was in my control to change. It is possible that they could have found something to indicate this. I am so so scared that it could happen. I already feel guilty enough that I wasn't able to protect Owen and bring him into this world safely. That is my job as a mother and I failed. I failed in my job in the worst possible way. My son isn't here, and that is something that will live with me for the rest of my life.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Daddies hurt too
I never really thought about how my husband might be feeling with the lose of his son. I know he misses him and he hurts too, but I guess I have been so caught up in myself that I never thought much further than that.
We both have been keeping a journal since the lose of Owen. I started mine not long after Owen was born,and he knows where it is and I have told him he can read it whenever he likes. I find it easier to write my feelings than talking about them. My husband started his about a month ago, and I only just found out about it last week. Last night when he finished writing in it he let me read it.
He has been so busy trying to be strong for me, that he never really talked to me about his feelings because I have always been so upset. But in reading his thoughts last night, my heart broke again. I had no idea. I wont talk about it all but something that really struck my heart is something I would like to mention, and maybe it may help other women with an insight into what there husband may be feeling with the lose of a child.
He mentioned that he worries that Owen didn't really know him. That they never got that connection that a mother and baby has. I carried Owen for 10months, and felt everything and anything. But daddy only really got to feel movements when I told him he was moving or if we were snuggling at night and he felt him (Owen was always most active around 10.30-11pm). He always felt that the connection he got with his children comes once they are born and he gets to have cuddles, and help ease them and play with them.
How do I get him to understand that Owen knew him and loved him. He knew who his daddy was and loved him very much. They WERE connected. Even though he never got to hold him alive, feel the warmness of Owen's skin against his, see the pinkness coming back to his skin with every breath. He knew his daddy. His voice calmed him and sometimes it was daddies voice that would get him to play. How do I tell him this and for him to understand.
How can I be so selfish as to not even think of this.......
We both have been keeping a journal since the lose of Owen. I started mine not long after Owen was born,and he knows where it is and I have told him he can read it whenever he likes. I find it easier to write my feelings than talking about them. My husband started his about a month ago, and I only just found out about it last week. Last night when he finished writing in it he let me read it.
He has been so busy trying to be strong for me, that he never really talked to me about his feelings because I have always been so upset. But in reading his thoughts last night, my heart broke again. I had no idea. I wont talk about it all but something that really struck my heart is something I would like to mention, and maybe it may help other women with an insight into what there husband may be feeling with the lose of a child.
He mentioned that he worries that Owen didn't really know him. That they never got that connection that a mother and baby has. I carried Owen for 10months, and felt everything and anything. But daddy only really got to feel movements when I told him he was moving or if we were snuggling at night and he felt him (Owen was always most active around 10.30-11pm). He always felt that the connection he got with his children comes once they are born and he gets to have cuddles, and help ease them and play with them.
How do I get him to understand that Owen knew him and loved him. He knew who his daddy was and loved him very much. They WERE connected. Even though he never got to hold him alive, feel the warmness of Owen's skin against his, see the pinkness coming back to his skin with every breath. He knew his daddy. His voice calmed him and sometimes it was daddies voice that would get him to play. How do I tell him this and for him to understand.
How can I be so selfish as to not even think of this.......
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I'm Hurting
It's not fair.
This is how it should be.
We should be having cuddles and kisses. Not me sitting here crying because I miss him so much and can't hold him and kiss him...
This is how it should be.
We should be having cuddles and kisses. Not me sitting here crying because I miss him so much and can't hold him and kiss him...
Friday, September 25, 2009
Living in Limbo Land
I feel like I am in a constant state of Limbo. My life doesn't seem real. I mean, I am here, and living and with my family and friends, but there is a part of me thats missing.
Everytime I do something or try to go somewhere, I feel like I have left something behind. I am constantly checking my pockets, my bag, behind me. Something is missing.....
I think I sometimes still think I am pregnant. It's the only reason I can come up with as to why Owen isn't here with me. This can't be real. What sort of world do we live in when our children leave this place before we do. It's not right.
I find everytime I try to eat something (which isn't often). I am constantly thinking, no I can't have that, that won't be good it could have listeria. I sometimes feel like I can feel kicking in my belly too. It's so bizarre. I even find myself sitting forward and re-adjusting my sitting position like I did when I was pregnant so Owen was in a good position.
And than it all comes flooding back. I don't have my baby here with me. THIS is my life now, THIS is my reality. ......
Everytime I do something or try to go somewhere, I feel like I have left something behind. I am constantly checking my pockets, my bag, behind me. Something is missing.....
I think I sometimes still think I am pregnant. It's the only reason I can come up with as to why Owen isn't here with me. This can't be real. What sort of world do we live in when our children leave this place before we do. It's not right.
I find everytime I try to eat something (which isn't often). I am constantly thinking, no I can't have that, that won't be good it could have listeria. I sometimes feel like I can feel kicking in my belly too. It's so bizarre. I even find myself sitting forward and re-adjusting my sitting position like I did when I was pregnant so Owen was in a good position.
And than it all comes flooding back. I don't have my baby here with me. THIS is my life now, THIS is my reality. ......
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Dreaming of Owen and Lola
Every night, when I go to be and close my eyes. I see our beautiful baby boy Owen. I see him all the time. Sometimes it's visions of me during my pregnancy. More often than not it's visions of my labour and Owen's birth. Me holding him and crying. Just looking at him and how beautiful he is. I usually wake up with tears in my eyes.
But last night was different. I eventually got to bed after midnight, and it took me a long time to fall asleep, but when I did I had a beautiful dream. I dreamt of a little boy and girl playing in a beautiful big field with long grass and scattered daisies. It was so beautiful, they were just running around chasing each other and having fun.
After a while I saw two women sitting on a bench watching their children play. One of the women was me, and the other was my beautiful friend of mine who also lost her baby girl, Kristalee. That little boy and girl that I saw playing was our babies, Owen and Lola. Only they were a little older probably around 2 and running around together having the best time.
It was so beauitiful but wierd all at the same time. It was like we were there with them, but were just watching them, sitting with each other.
I wanted to write this and hopefully kristalee, you see this and I hope it's ok that I said it. I don't want you to be sad, but I had to get it down. I really like to believe that they are together playing and watching out for both of us.
I don't know where the dream came from, but I'm so glad I had it. It was the first one I had of Owen since he was taken away from us that wasn't of my labour, birth or clouded by misunderstanding and doubt. It was kind of like it was a glimpse to let me know that he is ok.... they are ok.... they are together....
I don't even know if I am making any sense. It's so hard to remember everything, and get it down between the tears. But I just had to.
xxxxxxx
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Can you help my friend?
A beautiful friend of mine is trying to put together a memorial for her gorgeous baby girl Lola who was born sleeping in May this year.
She is having a fundraiser for her "Play in the Park" for bonnie babes.
We are asking for people to send Kristalee a photo with Lola's name in it? Just everyday people doing everyday things but showing that they're thinking of Lola and your family.
If you would like to add to this beauitful tribute, Kristalee is asking for the pictures to be emailed to her by the 27th September.
You can find her details http://lolaconstanceevelyn-kristalee.blogspot.com/ or her blog is in my favourite blogs on the side.
She is having a fundraiser for her "Play in the Park" for bonnie babes.
We are asking for people to send Kristalee a photo with Lola's name in it? Just everyday people doing everyday things but showing that they're thinking of Lola and your family.
If you would like to add to this beauitful tribute, Kristalee is asking for the pictures to be emailed to her by the 27th September.
You can find her details http://lolaconstanceevelyn-kristalee.blogspot.com/ or her blog is in my favourite blogs on the side.
Monday, September 21, 2009
waiting for sleep
I was just sitting here thinking, and you know what. Owen was born on the 8th August 09 at 11.42pm. And ever since he was born I have not gone to bed before this time.
I dont know why, maybe I feel like I need to be up at this time to feel him, to feel like he's still here. I don't know..
Every night, I write in my journal, grab his blanket that he was wrapped in and cuddle up to it, wish him goodnight and lie there wide awake until that clock ticks over and than wait. Wait for sleep to take over, wait for my dreams to come. Only now, my dreams are of Owen. Of me being in labour, and me birthing him, and of my sweet beautiful little boy being placed in my arms by his daddy, and me not understanding what had happened, and why, WHY, was he taken away from us?
Why?...........
I dont know why, maybe I feel like I need to be up at this time to feel him, to feel like he's still here. I don't know..
Every night, I write in my journal, grab his blanket that he was wrapped in and cuddle up to it, wish him goodnight and lie there wide awake until that clock ticks over and than wait. Wait for sleep to take over, wait for my dreams to come. Only now, my dreams are of Owen. Of me being in labour, and me birthing him, and of my sweet beautiful little boy being placed in my arms by his daddy, and me not understanding what had happened, and why, WHY, was he taken away from us?
Why?...........
Saturday, September 19, 2009
"Magic Number"
Today Owen would have been 6 weeks old. 6 weeks tonight at exactly 11.42pm since my baby boy made his way into this world in a way that we didn't understand. It's devastating.
6wks, is suppose to be that "magic number" in which, you have your check up to make sure everything is ok with your uterus and 'down there'. It's suppose to be the week that Owen should have been having his needles and being weighed and checked out etc etc.
Instead I sit here with empty arms looking at his things and wondering how in the bloody hell this happened. For which I may very well never have the answers for.
But no matter what, he was loved and is loved and will be for the rest of our days..
6wks, is suppose to be that "magic number" in which, you have your check up to make sure everything is ok with your uterus and 'down there'. It's suppose to be the week that Owen should have been having his needles and being weighed and checked out etc etc.
Instead I sit here with empty arms looking at his things and wondering how in the bloody hell this happened. For which I may very well never have the answers for.
But no matter what, he was loved and is loved and will be for the rest of our days..
Friday, September 18, 2009
Making sense and peoples opinions
Ok. So I'm just going to be perfectly honest. Some might not understand, but I just need to get this down and out. I'm not even sure if I'll make sense, but, like I said. I need to get it out.
Having a baby came up today. Mainly a conversation with my mum tonight is playing on my mind now. I can't even sit here and read my book now, as I have read the same page over and over thinking about this conversation.
I'm not sure how it came up but it did and we got started talking about us having another child. My mum wants me to wait and spend some time with the kids and as a family before we have another child. And while that is all well and good for her to have her opinion and I love her dearly(don't get me wrong, she has been amazing support), I don't agree. I mean it's not like we are going to get pregnant next week and have a baby next month or anything(impossible and slight exageration, I know). To me we will be doing this and are doing this anyway. We always spend time together and do things together, that "reason" doesn't seem right to me. My thinking is that if we are meant to have another baby and there is another little soul that has already chosen us and is just waiting, then it will happen. It will know when the time is right and things will happen when its meant to (well at least this is what I think, and have to believe) I have questioned all my beliefs alot over the last few weeks, but this one, I can't let go of.
I don't need to hear people telling me, "Maybe you should wait and take some time before having another baby". I know my mind, I know my body. I know when the time is and will be right. I am not rushing into anything and doing something crazy. I love Owen with all my heart and no child or baby or anything can or will EVER replace him. I hope he knows that. This isn't about replacing him. Not at all. I just feel like my journey isn't finished yet. I dont' feel finished. I think if Owen had have been here with me now, I would still want another baby anyway. thats just me, I love kids, but I know I will have to stop. eventually....
I feel guilty for even thinking about this yet, but I just can't help these thoughts.
Anyway, I just wanted to get this down and if your reading this Owen. Mummy loves you so much. We all do. I hope your happy, and please know that I think about you all the time and you will never be replaced. You will always be my beautiful baby boy. And one day, we will meet again and I will give you the biggest and bestest cuddles and kisses EVER xxxxxxx I love you
Having a baby came up today. Mainly a conversation with my mum tonight is playing on my mind now. I can't even sit here and read my book now, as I have read the same page over and over thinking about this conversation.
I'm not sure how it came up but it did and we got started talking about us having another child. My mum wants me to wait and spend some time with the kids and as a family before we have another child. And while that is all well and good for her to have her opinion and I love her dearly(don't get me wrong, she has been amazing support), I don't agree. I mean it's not like we are going to get pregnant next week and have a baby next month or anything(impossible and slight exageration, I know). To me we will be doing this and are doing this anyway. We always spend time together and do things together, that "reason" doesn't seem right to me. My thinking is that if we are meant to have another baby and there is another little soul that has already chosen us and is just waiting, then it will happen. It will know when the time is right and things will happen when its meant to (well at least this is what I think, and have to believe) I have questioned all my beliefs alot over the last few weeks, but this one, I can't let go of.
I don't need to hear people telling me, "Maybe you should wait and take some time before having another baby". I know my mind, I know my body. I know when the time is and will be right. I am not rushing into anything and doing something crazy. I love Owen with all my heart and no child or baby or anything can or will EVER replace him. I hope he knows that. This isn't about replacing him. Not at all. I just feel like my journey isn't finished yet. I dont' feel finished. I think if Owen had have been here with me now, I would still want another baby anyway. thats just me, I love kids, but I know I will have to stop. eventually....
I feel guilty for even thinking about this yet, but I just can't help these thoughts.
Anyway, I just wanted to get this down and if your reading this Owen. Mummy loves you so much. We all do. I hope your happy, and please know that I think about you all the time and you will never be replaced. You will always be my beautiful baby boy. And one day, we will meet again and I will give you the biggest and bestest cuddles and kisses EVER xxxxxxx I love you
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I hate feeling sick.
What a horrible couple of days. Tuesday night I felt like I "might" be coming down with something, but thought nothing more about it. Than yesterday was like I was hit by a bus. My ears itch, my troat is dry and scratchy, my heard hurts and I just hurt all over in general. Emotionally and physically..
So yesterday hubby gets home from getting the kids from school, and I pass out. I couldn't see out of one eye and I just started spinning out. I slept all afternoon right thru till this morning, and I still feel exhausted.
I've also been thinking about Owen alot. I dreamt about him alot last night. It felt so real. I didn't want to wake up. We were so happy and having lots and lots of cuddles and kisses.
I had to a Makeup job on this afternoon. The only reason I was able to go really, is because nobody there knew I was pregnant or that I had Owen. And as much as that hurts to not be talking about him, I find I can't yet, not to people I dont' see much or at a job. I don't want to break down infront of people, even strangers. I guess you could say I have a couple of hours to take a step out of reality for a while. It hurts, it sucks, I feel guilty and I hate that I did it, but I did.
Should things still be like this now? Shouldn't things be getting easier by now? Should I be in a different place? I dont know. All I know is it f&#king hurts. ALOT.
So yesterday hubby gets home from getting the kids from school, and I pass out. I couldn't see out of one eye and I just started spinning out. I slept all afternoon right thru till this morning, and I still feel exhausted.
I've also been thinking about Owen alot. I dreamt about him alot last night. It felt so real. I didn't want to wake up. We were so happy and having lots and lots of cuddles and kisses.
I had to a Makeup job on this afternoon. The only reason I was able to go really, is because nobody there knew I was pregnant or that I had Owen. And as much as that hurts to not be talking about him, I find I can't yet, not to people I dont' see much or at a job. I don't want to break down infront of people, even strangers. I guess you could say I have a couple of hours to take a step out of reality for a while. It hurts, it sucks, I feel guilty and I hate that I did it, but I did.
Should things still be like this now? Shouldn't things be getting easier by now? Should I be in a different place? I dont know. All I know is it f&#king hurts. ALOT.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Scared
I have been pretty quiet the last few days. I'm not sure why exactly, and by that I mean nothing in my mind is jumping out and telling me why I have decided to "retreat" a little inside. I guess it's just kind of happened.
It started over the weekend. I just seem to sit in my corner and reading or what not. Still haven't ventured outside really, or to the shops. I know I need to start changing this, I know I need to start getting out more and start "living" again. I guess I'm just scared. Scared that if I do people will think I'm moving on, Scared that by people thinking that that Owen will be forgotten and not be mentioned or talked about. Scared that by me going out and doing things Owen will think I have forgotten about him and think that I don't love him.
It will be 6 weeks on Saturday since Owen was born. I miss him every second and every day.
It just feels wrong, to have given birth to my baby boy only a short few weeks ago, and I know I had a baby, my body had gone back to normal (apart from the extra kilos' I have), my family knows I had a baby, but no one eles does. Because when I do start doing things and going places he is not here in my arms where he is suppose to be. It hurts to think about doing those things, to see new mums with their babies in the prams/arms and know that that should have been me.
The times that I have had to go somewhere in the car, I look at where is capsule was and think of what I had dreamt of for months with having our baby with us, in his capsule. I had everything planned out and situated. Where everything was in the car so we all fit, where the pram went so the kids could get in and out with standing on it or tripping over it, the adapters so the capsule could connect to the pram to make like a little easier. But now, that's all packed up in a box waiting for us to make a decision.
It started over the weekend. I just seem to sit in my corner and reading or what not. Still haven't ventured outside really, or to the shops. I know I need to start changing this, I know I need to start getting out more and start "living" again. I guess I'm just scared. Scared that if I do people will think I'm moving on, Scared that by people thinking that that Owen will be forgotten and not be mentioned or talked about. Scared that by me going out and doing things Owen will think I have forgotten about him and think that I don't love him.
It will be 6 weeks on Saturday since Owen was born. I miss him every second and every day.
It just feels wrong, to have given birth to my baby boy only a short few weeks ago, and I know I had a baby, my body had gone back to normal (apart from the extra kilos' I have), my family knows I had a baby, but no one eles does. Because when I do start doing things and going places he is not here in my arms where he is suppose to be. It hurts to think about doing those things, to see new mums with their babies in the prams/arms and know that that should have been me.
The times that I have had to go somewhere in the car, I look at where is capsule was and think of what I had dreamt of for months with having our baby with us, in his capsule. I had everything planned out and situated. Where everything was in the car so we all fit, where the pram went so the kids could get in and out with standing on it or tripping over it, the adapters so the capsule could connect to the pram to make like a little easier. But now, that's all packed up in a box waiting for us to make a decision.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
To write their name in the sand.
Today I received Owen's "name in the sand".
This is a wonderful project that Carly started after having a dream. You can find her "to write their names in the sand". It's listed in my favourite blogs.
I think what she is doing is a moving tribute for those parent's who have lost the sweet babies/children.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Update from yesterday
I was a complete mess when Adam got home yesterday afternoon, after recieving Owen's death certificate in the mail. I have felt so sick ever since. I feel like I am back to the day that Owen was born.
He couldn't understand why in cause of death, those things were written. He called the hospital to talk to our bereavement counsellor. We especially couldn't understand why the hell we would recieve the death certificate BEFORE we even had results from the autopsy, ESPECIALLY when that hadn't even been completed..
Basically to start with, we shouldn't have recieved the Death Certificate and she apologised profusely. (doesn't take away the shock and pain I felt when opening the mail)
There is also a new way things are done for this now, it cuts down the amount of forms they go thru (or something like that). like I care about the amount of paper work they have to do. No one should have to receive a death certificate before even finding out the results first.
The things that were written on his Death certificate in cause of death, was the information they had at Owen's birth, and it was written down, so the funeral home could do what they needed to and so Owen could be cremeated.
We have now found out that Owen's autospy results are back and we are arranging a time to go into the hospital for a meeting. I am even more terrified now to go in for this meeting. I don't I will handle if the results come back with some of the things that are written on the certificate we have now.
I am so angry that this has happened. I feel guilty enough, and than reading that for the cause of Owen's death, was like a kick in the guts. Seeing it written down on paper after I was already feeling like it was my fault was just too much. I am sad for all of this happening and frustrated for the way this has happened.. I feel like I am on a never ending roller coaster of emotions.
We have the option of coming in now for the autopsy results or to wait a couple of weeks for the Dr that was at our birth to be here to give us the results. I feel like I am just in limbo and waiting for the results. I need to have something for why this has happened. Even "if" there is no reason for it, and it just happened, I feel like I need to know that. I sit here constantly thinking about the "what if's". Could I have done something different that would have changed this happening. If I had of gone into labour earlier would he be here, If I would have just had another c-section would Owen be here in my arms now. I guess by hearing something I "may" stop thinking these things. I don't know.
He couldn't understand why in cause of death, those things were written. He called the hospital to talk to our bereavement counsellor. We especially couldn't understand why the hell we would recieve the death certificate BEFORE we even had results from the autopsy, ESPECIALLY when that hadn't even been completed..
Basically to start with, we shouldn't have recieved the Death Certificate and she apologised profusely. (doesn't take away the shock and pain I felt when opening the mail)
There is also a new way things are done for this now, it cuts down the amount of forms they go thru (or something like that). like I care about the amount of paper work they have to do. No one should have to receive a death certificate before even finding out the results first.
The things that were written on his Death certificate in cause of death, was the information they had at Owen's birth, and it was written down, so the funeral home could do what they needed to and so Owen could be cremeated.
We have now found out that Owen's autospy results are back and we are arranging a time to go into the hospital for a meeting. I am even more terrified now to go in for this meeting. I don't I will handle if the results come back with some of the things that are written on the certificate we have now.
I am so angry that this has happened. I feel guilty enough, and than reading that for the cause of Owen's death, was like a kick in the guts. Seeing it written down on paper after I was already feeling like it was my fault was just too much. I am sad for all of this happening and frustrated for the way this has happened.. I feel like I am on a never ending roller coaster of emotions.
We have the option of coming in now for the autopsy results or to wait a couple of weeks for the Dr that was at our birth to be here to give us the results. I feel like I am just in limbo and waiting for the results. I need to have something for why this has happened. Even "if" there is no reason for it, and it just happened, I feel like I need to know that. I sit here constantly thinking about the "what if's". Could I have done something different that would have changed this happening. If I had of gone into labour earlier would he be here, If I would have just had another c-section would Owen be here in my arms now. I guess by hearing something I "may" stop thinking these things. I don't know.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Confused, my fault
I just received Owen's death Certificate in the mail. what a blow this is.. I feel numb. I think I do. I dont know how I feel.
I have just read it, and FUCK...
I don't understand. If we haven't got the results of the autopsy left, how can they write what his cause of Death is???
because right now, after reading the certificate. I really feel like its' my fault. I already felt enough guilt. but now... I can't even talk...
it basically says the reason is post dates, meconium liquor and planned homebirth with precious history of 2 previous caesarean sections...
so basically my baby boy isn't in my arms because of ME!!!!!!!! I feel sick to my stomach...........
I have just read it, and FUCK...
I don't understand. If we haven't got the results of the autopsy left, how can they write what his cause of Death is???
because right now, after reading the certificate. I really feel like its' my fault. I already felt enough guilt. but now... I can't even talk...
it basically says the reason is post dates, meconium liquor and planned homebirth with precious history of 2 previous caesarean sections...
so basically my baby boy isn't in my arms because of ME!!!!!!!! I feel sick to my stomach...........
Happy Birthday
Today my eldest son, Jayden, turns 10yrs old. Double digits. He really does have the coolest birthday. He was born 09-09-99.
I can't believe how quickly time is flying. I still remember when he was a toddler, running around. (my husband was married before, his wife passed away suddenly and they had 2 children together)
He is a great boy and with everything that has happened in our/his lives, he still strives to do the best he can.
You know it's the little things. Like today. We should have all been sitting here watching him open his presents with his 2 younger brothers and 2 youngers sisters watching on.
I can't believe how quickly time is flying. I still remember when he was a toddler, running around. (my husband was married before, his wife passed away suddenly and they had 2 children together)
He is a great boy and with everything that has happened in our/his lives, he still strives to do the best he can.
You know it's the little things. Like today. We should have all been sitting here watching him open his presents with his 2 younger brothers and 2 youngers sisters watching on.
Monday, September 7, 2009
We had Owen baptised when he was born, and just now in the mail we recieved his baptism certificate.
Will anything ever get easier? I just broke down crying.
Will anything ever get easier? I just broke down crying.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
One month today
You would have been 1 month old today.
At this time one month ago I was in labour, preparing to meet you, my precious baby. We were working thru surges and I was loving my labour. It was such a beautiful day. Surrounded by my husband, my best friend and my midwifes. I felt safe, loved and that I can do anything. You were safely tucked in my belly. Little did I know this would be the last time I would feel you moving.
I remember everything about your birthday. Being in hospital and pushing thinking, OMG I am doing this, we will be meeting soon. Then the hospital staff saying that we had to get you out quickly as his heart rate had decreased. When you were born you were put on my tummy, and then quickly whisked over to the resus table. I thought the hospital staff where just suctioning you airways clear to make sure you didn’t swallow any meconium. I looked at the hospital midwife and said “does this mean he will be in special care”. She replied with “yes”. You had a heartbeat just before you were born so we just thought they were checking you over.
Then my world shattered. Those 3 little words “I’m so sorry”. You were placed in your daddy’s arms for a cuddle. We were in shock. What had happened? You were fine. Why weren’t you breathing? Daddy gave you to me so I could finally cuddle you. I cried, you were so little and beautiful. Such fair skin. I always said you would be smaller than your brother and sister, and you were. My smallest baby by far. You skin was so soft, you didn’t even look like a baby that had gone over your “due date”. Long fingers with beautiful long finger nails. Long long feet. My beautiful baby boy. I didn’t even get to hear you cry, or take your first breath. It breaks my heart that I can’t even say what colour your eyes were.
I still can’t believe you aren’t here with us. Safely in our arms, having lots of cuddles. I should be going thru the newborn stage with you. Lots of feeds and nappy changes. What I wouldn’t give to not be getting sleep and to be trying to settle you.
Mummy and daddy miss you so much. We think about you all the time. I can’t comprehend trying to get on with things without you here. I still have all your things on the chair in the lounge room, with pictures of you and your toys. I can’t bring myself to move them and wont’ do for a while. I look at them all the time and sit with you.
Your brothers and sisters miss you too. One of my favourite photos is of them cuddling you. You look like you are sleeping. It’s so beautiful.
We love you very much my sweet beautiful boy.
At this time one month ago I was in labour, preparing to meet you, my precious baby. We were working thru surges and I was loving my labour. It was such a beautiful day. Surrounded by my husband, my best friend and my midwifes. I felt safe, loved and that I can do anything. You were safely tucked in my belly. Little did I know this would be the last time I would feel you moving.
I remember everything about your birthday. Being in hospital and pushing thinking, OMG I am doing this, we will be meeting soon. Then the hospital staff saying that we had to get you out quickly as his heart rate had decreased. When you were born you were put on my tummy, and then quickly whisked over to the resus table. I thought the hospital staff where just suctioning you airways clear to make sure you didn’t swallow any meconium. I looked at the hospital midwife and said “does this mean he will be in special care”. She replied with “yes”. You had a heartbeat just before you were born so we just thought they were checking you over.
Then my world shattered. Those 3 little words “I’m so sorry”. You were placed in your daddy’s arms for a cuddle. We were in shock. What had happened? You were fine. Why weren’t you breathing? Daddy gave you to me so I could finally cuddle you. I cried, you were so little and beautiful. Such fair skin. I always said you would be smaller than your brother and sister, and you were. My smallest baby by far. You skin was so soft, you didn’t even look like a baby that had gone over your “due date”. Long fingers with beautiful long finger nails. Long long feet. My beautiful baby boy. I didn’t even get to hear you cry, or take your first breath. It breaks my heart that I can’t even say what colour your eyes were.
I still can’t believe you aren’t here with us. Safely in our arms, having lots of cuddles. I should be going thru the newborn stage with you. Lots of feeds and nappy changes. What I wouldn’t give to not be getting sleep and to be trying to settle you.
Mummy and daddy miss you so much. We think about you all the time. I can’t comprehend trying to get on with things without you here. I still have all your things on the chair in the lounge room, with pictures of you and your toys. I can’t bring myself to move them and wont’ do for a while. I look at them all the time and sit with you.
Your brothers and sisters miss you too. One of my favourite photos is of them cuddling you. You look like you are sleeping. It’s so beautiful.
We love you very much my sweet beautiful boy.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Having a bad day
Not a good day here.
I have been in tears most of the day. I have felt constantly sick for the last 2 days. Just this never ending feeling in my stomach and feeling like I need to be sick.
We went to the crematorium today to hand in what we want written on Owen's plaque. It was so hard. I cried all the way there. It was hard to leave the house but I had to do it. For Owen. I got to pick up his ashes, as I wanted to bring him home and have him here with me for a while. We bought a beautiful pewter urn with a little teddy bear on it for him. And I carried him home. This is the first time he has been home since he was born. How wrong is that. The first time he comes home is nearly a month later and he's not safely tucked in our arms. alive.....
We organised to have his hand and foot mouldings done with twinkle toes, and I had to go there today also to pick things out. I got to see his beautiful little hands and feet again. My heart broke. They are so tiny. His little hand mouldings even have his long nails in them. He had such long nails when he was born.
We went to centrelink today to get that paperwork handed in. It's just the absolute last thing you want to do when you loose your child. It was awful. Thank god my husband was with me for all of this..
I know I say it all the time. But I just wish I had my little boy. I miss him so much. xxxxxxx
WHY WHY WHY????
I have been in tears most of the day. I have felt constantly sick for the last 2 days. Just this never ending feeling in my stomach and feeling like I need to be sick.
We went to the crematorium today to hand in what we want written on Owen's plaque. It was so hard. I cried all the way there. It was hard to leave the house but I had to do it. For Owen. I got to pick up his ashes, as I wanted to bring him home and have him here with me for a while. We bought a beautiful pewter urn with a little teddy bear on it for him. And I carried him home. This is the first time he has been home since he was born. How wrong is that. The first time he comes home is nearly a month later and he's not safely tucked in our arms. alive.....
We organised to have his hand and foot mouldings done with twinkle toes, and I had to go there today also to pick things out. I got to see his beautiful little hands and feet again. My heart broke. They are so tiny. His little hand mouldings even have his long nails in them. He had such long nails when he was born.
We went to centrelink today to get that paperwork handed in. It's just the absolute last thing you want to do when you loose your child. It was awful. Thank god my husband was with me for all of this..
I know I say it all the time. But I just wish I had my little boy. I miss him so much. xxxxxxx
WHY WHY WHY????
So angry
Today I've woken up with so much anger.
I'm angry at the world, at my husband, at everyone and everything. I am pushing people away and I dont' know how to stop.
I just found out that my 2 boys were throwing some of Owen's toys at each other and I just completely blew up. I couldn't control it. I can't believe that they did it really. All his things are in the corner of the room out of the way, but still in a place that is seen by everyone, especially me.
My husbands response. "Maybe you should pack them away than".
WTF. No way. I am not ready to do that. His things are all I have. I was never able to bring him home and this is all I have.
I just miss him so much. Will the hurting ever stop ?????
I'm angry at the world, at my husband, at everyone and everything. I am pushing people away and I dont' know how to stop.
I just found out that my 2 boys were throwing some of Owen's toys at each other and I just completely blew up. I couldn't control it. I can't believe that they did it really. All his things are in the corner of the room out of the way, but still in a place that is seen by everyone, especially me.
My husbands response. "Maybe you should pack them away than".
WTF. No way. I am not ready to do that. His things are all I have. I was never able to bring him home and this is all I have.
I just miss him so much. Will the hurting ever stop ?????
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Am I Crazy?
I don't know if this is right, but lately I have been thinking that I want to have a baby. How can I be thinking this already? I feel so guilty for it. But I want to be honest with myself and say that I have been thinking about it. Honestly I have been thinking about it for the last week or so.
I'm not in any hurry, and I know that this isn't just a want of a baby to fill the void of Owen not being here. If I were honest I would say that even if Owen had have survived I would want another child. I just think I am that sort of girl. A mother. Owen was only ever going to be our "last" as I guess we had to stop at some point.
Does that make sense? I don't know. I feel like I am never making sense these days.
Should I even be thinking these things yet. ergh. why does this all have to be so hard.
I'm not in any hurry, and I know that this isn't just a want of a baby to fill the void of Owen not being here. If I were honest I would say that even if Owen had have survived I would want another child. I just think I am that sort of girl. A mother. Owen was only ever going to be our "last" as I guess we had to stop at some point.
Does that make sense? I don't know. I feel like I am never making sense these days.
Should I even be thinking these things yet. ergh. why does this all have to be so hard.
Counselling
I know people are just trying to help, but I am so sick of hearing the words "have you had counselling yet".
Seriously I have only just lost my baby boy 3.5weeks ago, counselling is the last thing I am thinking about at the moment. Just getting thru each day is hard enough.
How is counselling suppose to help me, has that person been in my situation and lost a child, how can they help, how can they understand if they haven't had this happen to them. In my opinion they can't, all they will do is sit there and listen, and to be honest. I can't even put into words how I am feeling to my husband. I can't even do it without crying. How am I suppose to talk to some complete stranger about my feelings. It just doesn't make sense to me.
But I know, right now. I am not ready to see a counsellor.
Seriously I have only just lost my baby boy 3.5weeks ago, counselling is the last thing I am thinking about at the moment. Just getting thru each day is hard enough.
How is counselling suppose to help me, has that person been in my situation and lost a child, how can they help, how can they understand if they haven't had this happen to them. In my opinion they can't, all they will do is sit there and listen, and to be honest. I can't even put into words how I am feeling to my husband. I can't even do it without crying. How am I suppose to talk to some complete stranger about my feelings. It just doesn't make sense to me.
But I know, right now. I am not ready to see a counsellor.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Jet
My heart breaks for Mirne and Craig. I can't believe this has happened to this beautiful couple. For it to happen once is hard enough, but 3 times to loose a child is just indescribable.
I'm thinking of you both and sending all my love, thoughts and prayers to you xxxxxxx
http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/"
I'm thinking of you both and sending all my love, thoughts and prayers to you xxxxxxx
http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/"
Small Steps
Hasn't been a great day today, but a little step I guess is that one of my best friends dropped by today and I was able to talk about Owen.
It was so nice to see her, as I've stayed in my "bubble" for the last few weeks and haven't even been able to say yes to people coming over. But I did it. You would think being one of my best friends, it wouldn't be that big of a deal for her to come over, but for me it was. I have had my certain "people" that I have been able to see like my husband, mum etc. but apart from those few people, I haven't been able to see "outsiders". So today was a step.
She was here for me and we could just sit and be and talk if I wanted. She didn't try to force me to talk about anything in particular. But I did talk about my labour, the birth of Owen, and most importantly talk about Owen. I cried, of course. I miss my son. But it was nice to talk about him. I shared photos of him with her aswell and it was beautiful. I enjoyed being able to share him with her and having a cry.
She even had her little one with her and I had a cuddle (she is 6mnths) It made me think of Owen again and how much I do miss him, but it was nice to have a cuddle
Talking about him seems to be easier than actually talking about my feeling and how I am feeling. So for now this is enough. Writing my feelings is easier, so thats what I do.
It was so nice to see her, as I've stayed in my "bubble" for the last few weeks and haven't even been able to say yes to people coming over. But I did it. You would think being one of my best friends, it wouldn't be that big of a deal for her to come over, but for me it was. I have had my certain "people" that I have been able to see like my husband, mum etc. but apart from those few people, I haven't been able to see "outsiders". So today was a step.
She was here for me and we could just sit and be and talk if I wanted. She didn't try to force me to talk about anything in particular. But I did talk about my labour, the birth of Owen, and most importantly talk about Owen. I cried, of course. I miss my son. But it was nice to talk about him. I shared photos of him with her aswell and it was beautiful. I enjoyed being able to share him with her and having a cry.
She even had her little one with her and I had a cuddle (she is 6mnths) It made me think of Owen again and how much I do miss him, but it was nice to have a cuddle
Talking about him seems to be easier than actually talking about my feeling and how I am feeling. So for now this is enough. Writing my feelings is easier, so thats what I do.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Mommy, Please Don't Cry
I wanted to recommend this book to you all.
It's a beautiful book by Linda Deymaz. It has beautiful illustrations in it aswell.
My Midwife bought it for me and I thought I would share it with others. I did cry alot while reading it. It's beautiful.
Here is what is written on the back -
"In a moment's time your world shatters.....
Time stands still and darkness overwhelms the soul
Our stones are different but our pain is the same.
We are mothers who will forever grieve the loss of a child.
Yet beyond the darkness there is light and comfort for our broken hearts.
Mommy, Please Don't Cry is a book of hope and healing.
Adorned will beautiful illustrations, the gentle, poignant words
express the love of heaver through the eyes of a child. "
It's a beautiful book by Linda Deymaz. It has beautiful illustrations in it aswell.
My Midwife bought it for me and I thought I would share it with others. I did cry alot while reading it. It's beautiful.
Here is what is written on the back -
"In a moment's time your world shatters.....
Time stands still and darkness overwhelms the soul
Our stones are different but our pain is the same.
We are mothers who will forever grieve the loss of a child.
Yet beyond the darkness there is light and comfort for our broken hearts.
Mommy, Please Don't Cry is a book of hope and healing.
Adorned will beautiful illustrations, the gentle, poignant words
express the love of heaver through the eyes of a child. "
Thoughts
I have been thinking alot today about Owen. His birth and about him in general.
I was remembering being pregnant with him and discussing with my bestfriend about his arrival. Remembering how I was so looking forward to having a homebirth and getting my birth space ready. It was such an amazing time in my life. Thinking about him making his way into the world in our own home, in the birth pool, surrounded by candle, having my music and affirmations on and just being.
I have been thinking about his birth and how amazing it was. I had had 2 previous c-sections (the second one was a failed VBAC). I always knew my body could do it. That I could do it, and we did. My only regret is that Owen is not here.
I find myself going over everything over and over again in my head. Trying to see why this happened. It just doesn't seem right or fair. How can taking a baby away from his mother be right. It's not, it can't be.
I find myself sitting here sometimes. I know my friends would like to see me, but I just can't at the moment. for a couple of minutes at least once a day, I get the feeling like "yeah, maybe I could catch up with someone". but then those couple of minutes pass, and I am overwhelmed with the thought of leaving my bubble and having to see people. Is this normal? it only happens about once a day, but for those couple of minutes a day, I feel like this has all just been a dream, but than reality comes back and hits me, and the sadness and emptiness comes back.
I was remembering being pregnant with him and discussing with my bestfriend about his arrival. Remembering how I was so looking forward to having a homebirth and getting my birth space ready. It was such an amazing time in my life. Thinking about him making his way into the world in our own home, in the birth pool, surrounded by candle, having my music and affirmations on and just being.
I have been thinking about his birth and how amazing it was. I had had 2 previous c-sections (the second one was a failed VBAC). I always knew my body could do it. That I could do it, and we did. My only regret is that Owen is not here.
I find myself going over everything over and over again in my head. Trying to see why this happened. It just doesn't seem right or fair. How can taking a baby away from his mother be right. It's not, it can't be.
I find myself sitting here sometimes. I know my friends would like to see me, but I just can't at the moment. for a couple of minutes at least once a day, I get the feeling like "yeah, maybe I could catch up with someone". but then those couple of minutes pass, and I am overwhelmed with the thought of leaving my bubble and having to see people. Is this normal? it only happens about once a day, but for those couple of minutes a day, I feel like this has all just been a dream, but than reality comes back and hits me, and the sadness and emptiness comes back.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
