Results

Today was hard. Just walking into the hospital was hard enough, without even thinking about the reason we actually had to be there.

I dont' know where to start or what to think. I feel like I am all over the place, and trying to make sense. It's all feels like I am on the outside looking in and not really remembering what I was looking at.

We got the results today. They told us that Owen died because of infection. We don't know when the infection could have started or how the infection got in. They don't have answers for that. Although we have asked them to see if they can give us a bit more information.

The report states that Owen died "just before birth", yet the Dr today was trying to say that they think he died long before that, and that they were actually picking up my heart rate instead of his. Which we whole heartedly disagree with. My midwife was keeping a close eye on both of our heart rates and there was a difference. Mine was usually around 70 and Owen's was 120. I don't understand why she was trying to say this. Even I remember in the birth suite the hospital midwife was right next to me checking his heart rate, and I remember her saying it was 120. I know just before he was born it dropped to 60.

He had also swallowed alot of meconium. It was all in his lungs. So even if they had have been able to resucitate, he probably wouldn't have made it anyway... yeah, I feel like absolute shit.

The placenta and cord and everything was ok. It wasn't breaking down and not doing it's job. As thats what can start happening when a baby goes post dates.

The doctor kept saying to us 'this is good news' because we had a reason and he didn't die because of my "choices". I'm sorry but NO.... this isn't 'good news'. Good news would be having my baby boy here with me, in my arms, ALIVE. This is NOT 'good news'.

I guess I should be comforted by the fact that there was actually a reason that they could give us. But I dont' know if I really do. All I can think about now, is how selfish I feel for wanting to have a vaginal birth.

I asked at one point if I had of had a c-sec at 38wks would he still be here. The Dr said 'yes, probably'. Of course I started sobbing. that's just what I wanted to hear right? NOT!!! why did I even ask the question, because now I feel absolutely broken. My midwife made a point though that we dont' know if he would have made it. He was so little and might not have been ready to be born and there could have been other problems we had to deal with.

I dont' know what to think now. I feel numb. I pretty much zoned out during the meetin after they said he died 'because of infection'. I keep getting told that it's not my fault and I have nothing to feel guilty for. Of course I am going to feel guilty. I will always carry guilt for not having my son here. Even working thru my emotions now, I feel guilty. I know that I did everything possible for my son, and did so much research into the choices that we made, but at the end of the day, it doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't bring Owen back......