I never really thought about how my husband might be feeling with the lose of his son. I know he misses him and he hurts too, but I guess I have been so caught up in myself that I never thought much further than that.
We both have been keeping a journal since the lose of Owen. I started mine not long after Owen was born,and he knows where it is and I have told him he can read it whenever he likes. I find it easier to write my feelings than talking about them. My husband started his about a month ago, and I only just found out about it last week. Last night when he finished writing in it he let me read it.
He has been so busy trying to be strong for me, that he never really talked to me about his feelings because I have always been so upset. But in reading his thoughts last night, my heart broke again. I had no idea. I wont talk about it all but something that really struck my heart is something I would like to mention, and maybe it may help other women with an insight into what there husband may be feeling with the lose of a child.
He mentioned that he worries that Owen didn't really know him. That they never got that connection that a mother and baby has. I carried Owen for 10months, and felt everything and anything. But daddy only really got to feel movements when I told him he was moving or if we were snuggling at night and he felt him (Owen was always most active around 10.30-11pm). He always felt that the connection he got with his children comes once they are born and he gets to have cuddles, and help ease them and play with them.
How do I get him to understand that Owen knew him and loved him. He knew who his daddy was and loved him very much. They WERE connected. Even though he never got to hold him alive, feel the warmness of Owen's skin against his, see the pinkness coming back to his skin with every breath. He knew his daddy. His voice calmed him and sometimes it was daddies voice that would get him to play. How do I tell him this and for him to understand.
How can I be so selfish as to not even think of this.......
Hi Melissa,
ReplyDeleteFunny, I just wrote a similar post. My husband feels the same way.... that he only got those few hours once our world fell apart to get a chance to know Nicholas. It's so honest and so raw, isn't it?
I think that supporting our husbands the very best we can, in the way that they need, helps... just a little. It is such a different connection that mommy's and daddy's have with their children... maybe that's why we grieve so differently?
I'm glad that you have a relationship in which your husband trusts you to read his innermost thoughts and feelings... that will help you both, as a couple, in the long run.
Love to you
Thank you Lea.
ReplyDeleteI just went and read your blog. It is raw and honest. And to be honest, I feel bad for not even thinking of these emotions for my husband. When I read my husbands words I felt so so bad. I know that he hurts, but that part never really occured to me. you know.