One month today

You would have been 1 month old today.

At this time one month ago I was in labour, preparing to meet you, my precious baby. We were working thru surges and I was loving my labour. It was such a beautiful day. Surrounded by my husband, my best friend and my midwifes. I felt safe, loved and that I can do anything. You were safely tucked in my belly. Little did I know this would be the last time I would feel you moving.

I remember everything about your birthday. Being in hospital and pushing thinking, OMG I am doing this, we will be meeting soon. Then the hospital staff saying that we had to get you out quickly as his heart rate had decreased. When you were born you were put on my tummy, and then quickly whisked over to the resus table. I thought the hospital staff where just suctioning you airways clear to make sure you didn’t swallow any meconium. I looked at the hospital midwife and said “does this mean he will be in special care”. She replied with “yes”. You had a heartbeat just before you were born so we just thought they were checking you over.

Then my world shattered. Those 3 little words “I’m so sorry”. You were placed in your daddy’s arms for a cuddle. We were in shock. What had happened? You were fine. Why weren’t you breathing? Daddy gave you to me so I could finally cuddle you. I cried, you were so little and beautiful. Such fair skin. I always said you would be smaller than your brother and sister, and you were. My smallest baby by far. You skin was so soft, you didn’t even look like a baby that had gone over your “due date”. Long fingers with beautiful long finger nails. Long long feet. My beautiful baby boy. I didn’t even get to hear you cry, or take your first breath. It breaks my heart that I can’t even say what colour your eyes were.

I still can’t believe you aren’t here with us. Safely in our arms, having lots of cuddles. I should be going thru the newborn stage with you. Lots of feeds and nappy changes. What I wouldn’t give to not be getting sleep and to be trying to settle you.

Mummy and daddy miss you so much. We think about you all the time. I can’t comprehend trying to get on with things without you here. I still have all your things on the chair in the lounge room, with pictures of you and your toys. I can’t bring myself to move them and wont’ do for a while. I look at them all the time and sit with you.

Your brothers and sisters miss you too. One of my favourite photos is of them cuddling you. You look like you are sleeping. It’s so beautiful.

We love you very much my sweet beautiful boy.