I was remembering being pregnant with him and discussing with my bestfriend about his arrival. Remembering how I was so looking forward to having a homebirth and getting my birth space ready. It was such an amazing time in my life. Thinking about him making his way into the world in our own home, in the birth pool, surrounded by candle, having my music and affirmations on and just being.
I have been thinking about his birth and how amazing it was. I had had 2 previous c-sections (the second one was a failed VBAC). I always knew my body could do it. That I could do it, and we did. My only regret is that Owen is not here.
I find myself going over everything over and over again in my head. Trying to see why this happened. It just doesn't seem right or fair. How can taking a baby away from his mother be right. It's not, it can't be.
I find myself sitting here sometimes. I know my friends would like to see me, but I just can't at the moment. for a couple of minutes at least once a day, I get the feeling like "yeah, maybe I could catch up with someone". but then those couple of minutes pass, and I am overwhelmed with the thought of leaving my bubble and having to see people. Is this normal? it only happens about once a day, but for those couple of minutes a day, I feel like this has all just been a dream, but than reality comes back and hits me, and the sadness and emptiness comes back.
Oh Melissa I think what you are describing is very normal. At first I didn't want to, actually couldn't, be around people. I wanted to be alone, to be sad, to cry...I just hurt so much. Slowly, I have welcomed the distractions. For me it is a way to escape my reality for a short time. My girls are always on my mind, I think about them constantly and cry for them everyday still, but I am able to carry on a conversation with others and just live.
ReplyDeleteI think we find a way to integrate our baby/ies into our existence. We learn to live with them in our hearts and souls. Taking away a mother's baby is just about the most wrong thing I can think of. However I do not believe that I lost my babies for any reason or for a higher power...I just think it is a really crappy thing that happened to me and now I am left to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart witout my girls.
I hope I am not making things worse for you...I do not mean to. There is hope, and comfort and support out here. When you are ready you will find it, but give yourself time, your loss is so recent.
xx,
Tina