Scared

I have been pretty quiet the last few days. I'm not sure why exactly, and by that I mean nothing in my mind is jumping out and telling me why I have decided to "retreat" a little inside. I guess it's just kind of happened.

It started over the weekend. I just seem to sit in my corner and reading or what not. Still haven't ventured outside really, or to the shops. I know I need to start changing this, I know I need to start getting out more and start "living" again. I guess I'm just scared. Scared that if I do people will think I'm moving on, Scared that by people thinking that that Owen will be forgotten and not be mentioned or talked about. Scared that by me going out and doing things Owen will think I have forgotten about him and think that I don't love him.

It will be 6 weeks on Saturday since Owen was born. I miss him every second and every day.

It just feels wrong, to have given birth to my baby boy only a short few weeks ago, and I know I had a baby, my body had gone back to normal (apart from the extra kilos' I have), my family knows I had a baby, but no one eles does. Because when I do start doing things and going places he is not here in my arms where he is suppose to be. It hurts to think about doing those things, to see new mums with their babies in the prams/arms and know that that should have been me.

The times that I have had to go somewhere in the car, I look at where is capsule was and think of what I had dreamt of for months with having our baby with us, in his capsule. I had everything planned out and situated. Where everything was in the car so we all fit, where the pram went so the kids could get in and out with standing on it or tripping over it, the adapters so the capsule could connect to the pram to make like a little easier. But now, that's all packed up in a box waiting for us to make a decision.