Merry Christmas Owen

I can't believe we are at christmas time already. Another year is nearly over. They just all fly by way too quickly these days.

We all went to visit Owen a week or so ago, and put up his christmas decorations and had a little visit with him.  The kids were really beautiful and made sure he had all his decorations just right.

They had even made him some special decorations that we hung in the branches around and near him. We each wished him a Merry Christmas and said we would be back on Christmas eve to visit.

We also hung our personal baubles on the tree. We had been waiting to put them up until we had Tabitha's. Once we did, the kids were quick to get them all out and make sure we had Owen's all ready to go up aswell.

I can't believe it will be another christmas without our baby boy, but am so blessed to have such wonderful children who still remember him, and include him in everything.

Terrible two's- Myth? I think not....

I honestly thought I would escape this. With my eldest daughter, 'terrible two's' didn't happen. She was fine. Three's however were different, but only so she was just wingy.

Little Miss I however, well that's a different story. I thought we were heading for another miss as she hadn't been that bad. We are nearing her third birthday in March and I really thought we were home free.

It seems this is not the case.

This week so far has been very, VERY trying.

First, she has had a massive regression with going to the toilet. Wetting her pants seems to have become the thing to do, the independence streak has well and truely kicked in, she did a #2 in a leotard yesterday and then got in all over herself (I mean rubbed it on her tummy, up her legs. Yeah, you get the picture) and the floor, she was suppose to be in bed having a sleep, only to find her with the toothpaste from the bathroom and gotten all over herself, her bed and her bedding, oh and she wet the bed.

That was just yesterday...

Today so far, we have had tantrums left, right and centre, vegemite all over and rubbed into our cream carpet, more wetting of pants, 5 costume changes, the list goes on..

All I can hope for at the moment is that when she turns the magical 3, at precisely midnight, it all changes, and when she wakes. It's like it was all just a bad dream.....

*sigh*

It's that time of year again.

I can't believe we are now in december. It just seems so crazy that this year has flown by so quickly.

The christmas tree is up, the kids had so much fun decorating it. They get so into it.

This year is also the first year we have christmas lights on out the front of the house. They ohhh'd and ahhh'd when they got turned on. If it wasn't raining so much at the moment I am sure they would be out the front every night just sitting in the yard and looking at them. And I must admit, my hubby and my dad did a great job. Hopefully the weather fines up so we can spend some time out there at night. It's a really beautiful place.

It really warms my heart, that with all the christmas joy and spirit going around my kids haven't forgotten about their baby brother.

We went to get their photo taken with santa. Last year we had a little red star with Owen's name written on it (a very dear friend gave me this last year (thanks Kris xx)). We took it with us and one of the kids held Owen's star for the photo. It was their way of having him in the photo with them.

This year, we didn't have the star with us (silly mummy :-( ), but they asked if they could wear my necklace and my husbands, it has Owen's fingerprint on it.

They then sat their with santa and had their photo taken, then told santa all about their baby brother.. <3

Guilt

I am feeling all kinds of guilt at the moment.

Guilt for not thinking about Owen as much.
I still think about him, don't get me wrong. It's just not that constant that it use to be. I feel like this shouldn't be happening. He should be a more constant. We can't have him here with us. I need that. I need to see him in my mind. Think about him. That way I know he is here, like I see my other children all the time. I need to see him too.


Guilt for feeling cranky at my husband.
I don't know why, it's just happening. I don't know how to get out of it. It's not something that I can put my finger on why I am feeling this way. It just happens. I don't want it too, but I don't know what to do.

Why can't I be back the way we were. We were good when Tabitha was born and then all of a sudden the cranky pants just appeared and I have been wearing them ever since. Yet Before she was born, and especially in labor, I felt like we were closer then ever. The connection was so strong.

What happened? What am I doing?

I am making time to go back to my counsellor.

It's time.

Coming to terms

Well friday just gone was the end of an era. Our family is complete. No more babies for us.

I know some might think I am crazy. Why would I want to add to our family, we already have 6 children. Truth is. I LOVE IT.

I love being pregnant, I love labor, I love birth, I love babies, I love children. I love it all.

I would so keep going, but I know I have to stop sometime. I know this. It's just hard to get my head around.

I cried when we went to the appointment. Our Dr was good and let us talk some more about it, and was happy to wait, but at the end of the day. Miss T is our last bubba. My husband was amazing. He is amazing.

So now, I am soaking up all the newborn goodness that I can. I am taking nothing for granted. I am doing things I haven't before (co-sleeping), because I don't care. I will never get to have a newborn again.

So. I am going with the flow. Breathing everything in. Taking in every moment.

Welcoming our baby girl into the world

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write and share our story, because it’s a bit raw for me. But I thought that I may help someone one day, and it’s also a way to help myself as well. 

Friday 8^th October 2010.

Tightenings started coming very infrequently that I hardly noticed and just continued on my day. I had had this happen a few times at the end of the pregnancy, so much so at 39wks I thought things were happening.  Just put it down to more Braxton hicks and thought nothing more. I went for a walk in the afternoon in the rain. Was such a lovely walk. Walking under the umbrella. Everything smelt so fresh and new.

Saturday 9^th October 2010 – 1am (my due date)

Things are happening.

I felt weird all day. Felt lost in a way. I was walking around just trying to find things to do. Very restless. I was exhausted, as the night before I was up every 2 hrs for toilet breaks.

Come Saturday afternoon/evening, surges started happening, and really happening. Right from the word go, they were 1min – 1min 30+  in length, and were 3-9mins apart. I had decided to time them a little on my iphone to see what was going on. This could be it, I remember thinking.  The surges were so intense, and where in my back also. I remember struggling to get my groove happening as they just really took my breath away this time. (with Owen’s labor, I think because they started out short and spread out more, I was eased into it… Not this time).

All thru the night I worked thru the surges. There were anywhere from 3mins apart to 9mins apart and always 1min+. Surely things would have to start happening soon.

I got no rest as all night they didn’t stop at all.

Sunday 10^th October 2010

5am – by morning they were still happening, so I thought I would go downstairs and have some breakfast to keep my energy up, before coming back up stairs and seeing if I can rest.

I didn’t get much rest. I tried between surges, but it just wasn’t happening for me. I stayed upstairs in my nest and rested when I could.

Sunday night, surges ramped up again, 3-15mins apart 1min+ long.  Still intense, still in my back and in my front. This continued all night.

I think the most frustrating thing was I was having “contractions” like you would in active labor, but, my labor wasn’t becoming regular. I would go for an hour+ at 3-4 mins apart, then they would slow back to longer gaps (but never more then 15mins apart). There was just no rhyme or rhythm to it.

Sunday again was spent the same as Saturday.

This continued thru the night, no rest, no sleep, just constant. I was starting to loose it a little by now too. I had a break down to my husband. Looking back, I think this is where fear started edging its way in. Not to mention I was just exhausted after days on no sleep.

Monday 11^th October 2010

My husband (bless him) took the day off work, as things were still happening the way they had been for the last few days.

I had been speaking to my midwife all along, and she had popped over to check on bub and me (living around the corner from her is great). She suggested filling the pool. It would either help relax me and get things moving or slow things a little and maybe I could get a little rest.

I filled the pool and would occasionally jump in for a while, if only to get some rest, resting on the bed and up on all fours or leaning over my bed was a favourite position when surges came. I couldn’t stand thru them. I was also worried about using the shower all the time in case the hot water ran out and I needed it later.

The pool was beautiful, I could rest a little with my head on the side in between at times. It was raining outside, and I would just lie in there and watch the rain, before jumping out for a while and doing other things to keep my mind off things.  But again, surges were so intense they would stop me in my tracks and I would have to breath thru them.. there was no walking thru them, that’s for sure.

By Monday afternoon, I had a complete breakdown. I felt weak, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t understand why things weren’t progressing. My midwife called and I cried and cried on the phone to her. I was worried about what was happening and I couldn’t see any further then where I was.

Fear…. Between surges even though I had just felt flitterbub move, I would think “OMG, has bubby moved”, and would be jiggling and poking my belly to get movement. Of course I did every time, but my mind was starting to worry.

I began thinking about Owen a lot, and his labor and birth. If my labor and birth with him could be so beautiful, easy and straight forward, and he was alive right until he was born. What’s going to happen to this baby with all the irregularity.

We decided to see what happened, so I continued on thru the surges. I decided to go back downstairs and try to ignore things and go about my afternoon. Although I tried, I couldn’t when the surges came. I did stop watching the clock though and just went about my business..

7pm Monday night.

I lost it. I was so worried something was going to happen to this baby. I couldn’t see past it. I spoke to hubby and we talking about our options. As much as I wanted a VBA2C again, I couldn’t get my head off “what if something happened to this baby”. It would be my fault. Even though baby was fine, healthy, strong heartbeat, lots of movement, and physically everything was ok with me too. But I just couldn’t stop. I was terrified.

My midwife came over and we spoke some more. She asked me what I wanted. I said “I just want my baby in my arms, I want to know it’s ok. I can’t loose another baby”.

It was asked if I wanted to go to hospital to have my waters broken or something first. I didn’t want to put that distress on my baby and end up with a c-section anyway. So I decided that I would have a c-section.

9.30pm - I rang my counselor’s from the hospital, and spoke to her about what had been happening, was happening, my choices and my decision.  We spoke in length about it all to make sure I was ok with it all (in between surges).

She then called the hospital and organized everything for us.

11.45pm – we left home for the hospital.  I had my heat pack with me as I knew sitting up in the car wouldn’t be comfortable for the trip in. It was still raining.

Tuesday 12^th October 2010

12.30am – monitoring of bubs and getting me ready for surgery. I was walked (slowly) to theatre. Surges had not stopped and where still the same.

2.48am – Tabitha Mae was born. She was lifted up and I got to see her being born. I asked that no one say if she was a boy or a girl, and for us to find out ourselves. “SHE’S A GIRL…  is she ok? Is my baby ok? Is she ok?” yes, she’s perfect.

“is she ok” was all I could say. Even though I could hear her, I couldn’t stop asking.

We got skin to skin as soon as possible. She is perfect, and she’s ok. She’s here.

She weighed 3.9kg or 8lb 13oz, 53cm long and 35cm head.

The cord appeared to be wrapped around her neck a couple of times and I think it was around her leg as well, looking at the pictures we have.

She had her eyes closed from the moment she was born and didn’t open them until I was wheeled into recovery and after hearing my voice. In recovery we got more skin to skin time which was just beautiful. I couldn’t stop looking at her. I let her find her own way to my breast, and she latched on all by herself. What an amazing thing to watch. Since then, she hasn’t stopped. LOL..

I don’t want people to misunderstand me. I am deeply happy that my baby girl is here safely in my arms. It’s just coming to terms with my decisions after the fact. I know now, that I was lead by fear and that’s ok. All I wanted was for Tabitha to be safe and sound and in my arms.  

Maybe one day, someone will read this that has lost a child at birth and maybe, just maybe, I may help with my story. 

Miss Tabitha Mae

Need to get this down and out of my head.

I need to get this down and out of my head..

I am feeling somewhat upset with myself because of Tabitha's birth.

I know how a baby is born doesn't really matter to some, and while it doesn't matter completely and the end of the world for me, it is a big part.

My birthing history pretty much goes,
#1 - induced, every intervention known to man, ending in a c-sec
#2 - spontaneous waters break, left to labour by myself, hospital not allowing me enough time and calling time, ending in another c-sec
#3 - planned homebirth, spontaneous labour, transfer to hospital, vaginal birth, our angel men left for heaven

This time, I planned another VBA2C. The plan was to labour at home, and transfer at 7-8cm. Birth my baby into my arms and then come home.

That however wasn't the way it worked out.  (I do plan to post my birth story in the hopes that if anyone does read my blog, and has lost a child, it may help. prehaps some lost baby mama's may be able to help me too)

Labour was spontaneous again. Starting on my due date. (first time even, I usually have overdue babies). Contractions started straight away at 1min - 1+mins in length and 3-9 mins apart. Very full on, and all in my back and in my front. It continued this way for 3 days. I had little - no sleep/rest.

By the third day, it was all getting to me. I was ok physically, and so was bub. But I was sooo worried something was going to happen to the baby that I just couldn't get into my groove, into my positive mind space. I couldn't relax into my contractions. I couldn't help but think, if Owen's labor and birth was so easy and beautiful, and he didn't make it. What was happening to this baby with 3 days of this and nothing more happening.

My midwife was with me and helping me, as was my husband and my best friend. But I couldn't stop my mind from where it kept going.

I remember between contractions, even though I had just felt the baby move I would think, "OMG, has the baby moved". Then I would start poking and jiggling my belly to get bub to move. She would and I would be ok again, but then I would do it again, and the pattern was just continue.

By monday night, I decided to call for a c-section. And so we went to hospital and our baby was born.

BUT now...... I can't help thinking how weak I am. So many women go thru days like that with the labour and get thru and go on to have a healthy baby. Why couldn't I. I thought I was strong. I am dreamed and visualized this birth so many times, and a c-sec was never part of it. I can't help but think, if I had of just waited a little longer, would I have been ok. Would things have happened naturally.

GOD I HATE THE WHAT IF'S... but I can't stop them...

I will post my birth story this afternoon.. I have to go, Tabitha is wanting me..

IT'S A GIRL

On Tuesday the 12th October 2010, at 02.48am, we welcomed our baby girl into the world.

Tabitha Mae arrived healthy, pink, a little squeal and breathing.

My heart felt like it was going to explode. Even though I could hear her, I kept asking "is she ok, is she ok".

Everything is going well.. She's so gorgeous and her brothers and sisters just adore her.

I'm just so so happy to have her here, safely in my arms..

Meltdown

Why is it, with any other pregnancy I was not fazed by my EDD.

This time, I am not even there yet, and I am already having a meltdown.

Yes, that's right. Yesterday I was a scary, crazy, over hormonal women. I was all over the place. I was so cranky. The kids drove me up the wall, mum this, mum that, homework, taking my little one to the toilet, bath time, trying to cook dinner, husband was working late. I just wanted a break. I just wanted to stop thinking and just be.

Bed time couldn't come quick enough. For the kids and for me really.

My husband came to bed with me, and I lost it. It was too much.. I sobbed. He asked what was wrong.. "I'm frustrated". With me, he asked :(  , NO, with my body. I really thought I would go early this time. I thought perhaps the universe would be on our side for a change, and give me this. Let me go early.

Perhaps, this is my lesson.. Another lesson in patience. That no matter what has happened or is happening we still need patience.

As I was trying to drift of to sleep. I made the decision. Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow will be a beautiful day. No more timing braxton hicks, no more clock watching. I have a strong baby, it's just waiting. My baby know's its birthday, its' just waiting for the day to come to share it with us.

So if baby can wait and be patient, then I am going to try to do the same thing. I can do that...... I think.... :)

Waiting

Still here.. waiting for our flitterbub to arrive...

I haven't reached my EDD yet. I bet you think I'm so silly to be even writing this when I haven't seen that date float by yet. I just really thought I would go early this time. Even though I have always gone overdue in previous pregnancies.. I guess, I just wanted to go early aswell.
To not have to worry.
To not have to stress.
To not have a time limit placed on me.
To surprise everyone.

I know baby knows it's birthday already. I just hope it's soon. But in the meantime, I need to try to relax.. Go with this ride like I did last time.

My Blessingway..

So, Sunday just gone. My sister and my mum held a blessingway for me.

It was such a gorgeous day. After the week we had been having here. Days overcast, and raining on and off. The Sun was out in full force and was such a glorious day.

I had just a few women come over who I hold close to me to form our women circle.

When I first mentioned a blessingway to my sister and that I would like one instead of a baby shower, she had no idea what I was talking about. I just told her I wanted those close to me there, and it was a way to be blessed by them, gain there strength and support for the upcoming birth of our flitterbub.

She went beyond this.

First of all she asked everyone to bring a candle and right a personal message from them to me. I asked that I not see these, as my thoughts are. When labour starts, I want to go to the box she placed them all in, and just select one. Not based on who it's from. So, once labour starts, and I get a surge/tightening, I will select a candle, light it and read the message. I will do this everytime I have a surge until they are all lit.

She then had a special candle in the middle of the table and got my birthing beads off me (I have been wearing these ever since I got them), and blessed them. As well as this, there were cards scattered around the candle and beads, and in each card was a word. The girls would place then hands over my beads, pick up a card, read it aloud and then make a wish.

We then did a wrist binding with everyone. My sister bound each of our wrists together in a circle. When the binding was happening the person would say a word they wish for me (eg, protection, strength etc). Once we were all binded, before the string was cut and negative word was said, for me to release. Release from my fears, gain strength and power.
The string was then plated for me to hold during labour or wear. Whatever I feel comfortable with.

I also read out a poem called "Willow tree". Such a poem that totally relates to me and where I am at.

And as another surprise, my god son, wanted to do something special for me. So he wrote me a poem. It was so so beautiful, was so hard to hold back the tears.

The night before, I had henna done on my belly. The lady wasn't able to come to the blessingway due to other commitments, so came to our house. I LOVE my henna..

my sister even got a turn of doing henna on my belly.. in the pic above :)

this is what it looked like all finished.

and the day after at my blessingway.

Such a beautiful day. I do feel truely blessed, love and supported..

Now.... we wait... 

Waiting

I'm so tired. I'm so ready. Ready to meet our baby. Ready to have our baby in my arms. Safely, healthy.. I'm ready.

I feeling quite put out today. I'm not sure what it is. I feel a bit off. I'm really, really tired. To the point where I can barely keep my eyes open. It's school holidays and I have just had it.. lol

I keep looking at any little sign. Wishing. Hoping, it's my turn. I know baby will come when it's ready, but to be honest. I would be a whole lot more comfortable and at ease if it would come earlier then later. 

No pressure of course baby, but mummy it SO ready to meet you now. 

I had my blessingway yesterday. I will have to come back to write about it, but I will say. It was a truely beautiful day. 

xxxxxx

School Holiday...

It's the second day of the school holidays. It's raining, the kids are stuck inside, this weather plays havoc with them. They are all over the place.. Just what I need coming up to 38wks. 

I was talking to my sis yesterday and said "I have an uncanny knack of being in my later pregnancy for school holidays". It was the same with Owen. lol.. 

Although I am LOVING this weather, I do occasionally wish for the sun to shine just enough for the kids to go outside and run off all there energy. Then it can rain again. 

How am I doing?

Well, the time is coming very close now. 

I'm 37wks. I can't believe it. This pregnancy really has seemed to have just flown by.. One minute I'm sitting there thinking I have all the time in the world. Then I stop. I think about it. "oh crap, it's here".

How am I doing?

I guess that depends on the day. Somedays I am good, actually most days I am good. I feel good, bubby feels good. I'm just pottering along enjoying everything. 

But then, I have one of 'those' days. 

Like yesterday. I was sad, angry, depressed, felt panic'd, anxious. I'm trying to stop the 'what if's' on these days. I have to believe everything will be ok. We will be ok. I WILL have a happy, healthy, breathing baby at the end of our labour. Bub will simply slide out, peacefully earthside, I will recieve bub, bring bubby up to me and just breath it in and enjoy. I HAVE to believe this will happen. I am visualizing away. 

It's going to be amazing and I can't wait for the warm yummy cuddles. 

Facing my Fears

On friday just gone, I had an appointment with the head OB at the hospital I had Owen in, as this is a possible hospital option for me this time. I am making that decision when I go into labour. 

Anyway, the appointment was ok, although the OB that I am 'only' suppose to see was away, so was a waste of time, not to mention the lecture I got all over again, AND the fact that she hadn't even read my notes in my chart, so had no idea about Owen.. 

But anyway, I then had my appointment after with my bereavement midwife. We worked on my hospital birth plan, and then also went down to the birthing suites to have a look around and see how I go. This is one of the main factors in my going to this hospital. Can I do it?

She asked if I knew what room, I had Owen in. I said 'no, but would like to see it, I need to see it'. As soon as we got down there I knew which room it was. I was fully expecting a break down, and so was she. I walked in and remembered everything.

I saw the bed I birthed him on. I saw the table they used to try to bring him back to life. The chair I sat in after my shower and held my baby boy so close crying, shocked. Where the minister sat to baptise our baby boy. Where my husband bathed our son for the first and last time.

With all of this flooding back to me. I was ok. I am ok. Don't get me wrong I miss him terribly, and it was sad being in there again. But I think I'm ok.

It will still be a choice I make when the time is right and my baby and my body go into labour, but 'if' I choose to go there. I can do it. I will birth my baby and have some different memories for this child.

Beautiful Dreaming

I had THE most beautiful dream last night, and I just wanted to share. 

I dreamt that I was in labour and hubby and my midwife were there. I was so so quiet and just going thru my surges and just LOVING being in labour and knowing I would be meeting our flitterbub soon. 

Everything was so beautiful and peaceful (we were outside, not sure why). All of a sudden we decide to move somewhere else so I can birth bubby into the world. 

As we were walking I started getting the urge to push. After pushing and not liking it last time (I did hypnobirthing, and pushing is not what I learnt), I remembered to just 'breathe the baby down'. So we are walking and I am breathing bub down (not sure how this would happen IRL, but hey, it's my dream.. haha). As I'm walking my midwife says, "Melissa, put your hands down and receive your baby". 

So I did, and there was our baby. I pulled baby up to my chest, and had a cuddle. So beautiful. Bubby was healthy, in my arms, breathing and just gorgeous.

I checked to see what it was (we haven't found out), and we had a girl. I even got her name. She was so so sooooo beautiful..

Such a lovely way to wake up.

Today....

I was just sitting here and glanced down at my calender. 17th August.

I'm not sure why, but the date sounded so familiar and like there was something I was suppose to be doing. A birthday? An appointment? what have I missed?

Then it occured to me. On the 17th August last year at this time, we had just said good bye to our sweet little baby boy at his funeral.

Owen's Birthday

So Sunday just gone, was Owen's 1st Birthday, and what a day.

We got up nice and early. My husband was singing happy birthday to Owen, and each time one of the kids came down and out to us downstairs he would yell "happy birthday Owen", to which the kids would yell the same.  I couldn't get as quite into it as they were, but I was just glad that they were having a nice day and not too sad.

Once we were all ready, we went up to the cemetry to visit and wish our boy happy birthday. We were armed with butterflies, teddies and a tigger balloon. The kids each handmade a birthday card for Owen, that we decided would stay here in his special keepsake box. They each did such a good job and wrote some beautiful and touching things inside.

We were blessed with such a gorgeous day. There was not a cloud in the sky, the sun was out and gorgeous and it was just right. Not too cold for winter, but not warm either. Just perfect (I think Owen might have had a hand in that).  :)

Here's a few pics

When we got there, Jay (my eldest) and Indi went up to see Owen. In this pic Indi is blowing Owen a kiss.

All our kids together (including my god son)

Me placeing some of his presents down with him.

Owen with his some of his presents..

We decided to have a butterfly release for Owen for his birthday. I have loved butterflies since I was a little girl, and I felt this was something we could share.

We went to pick up the butterflies the day before.

In this picture I have just handed each of the kids there butterfly to open and release.

We didn't get a picture of the kids releasing them, because they were just to fast. lol

We did get Indi releasing here (mainly because I was there to help her :)  )

she was so fascinated by it. She loves butterflies aswell.











The butterfly I released, then flew to a near by plant and stayed there for a while. When I went over to it, it still stayed, so I put my finger out under it, and it sat on my finger for a while, before then flying off.. It was so so beautiful. Maybe my baby boy was there with us. I really hope so.

In the afternoon, I had asked our family and very close friends to come to a get together in the park down the street. Just an afternoon tea. It was beautiful. There was a playground for all the kids to play in and run around and be crazy like kids do, like Owen would have wanted to do also.

I had arranged to get a mixture of blue balloons for each of the children that were there, so they could each release a balloon for Owen.

We went out to an open area of the park, I gave all the kids a balloon each. I counted to 3, we all yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY OWEN" and then the balloons were released.

Such a beautiful day. The only thing that could have made it better would to have had our boy with us in our arms.

Happy Birthday baby boy. We miss you so much everyday, but I know you couldn't stay with us as much as it hurts.
I hope you are looking over us and proud of what we have done.
I hope you had a great birthday and had a big party celebrating with the other angels in heaven.

Love you forever and always.

Until the day we meet again and I can hold you in my arms..
Mummy xxxxx

I'm a mess

So, I thought I was doing ok. I thought "hey, I'm handling this, what's wrong with me"

I think though. That because my middle son's birthday was thursday it was like a 'block' in a way. Something to concentrate on. I didn't want to be sad for his birthday.

So we got thru it. He had a great day.

Friday, was ok. Unmotivated, sitting around. I went to the nursery to try to find a tree and pot to plant with Owen's placenta, but just couldn't find anything. I don't want to get something just for the sake of getting it. I want to find the perfect ones. So I left empty handed (again).

Then we get to today. I'm moody, I'm sad, I'm angry.. Started bawling my eyes out in the middle of Coles today. I have been crying at the drop of a hat..

How am I going to get thru tomorrow. I want it to be so special for Owen. It's so hard to think about. He should be here, but he's not, and I HATE that.. We should be planning a happy day, lots of presents and fun etc. I will just be trying to get thru the day..

Finally.... We made a decision...

Finally.. finally, I have made a decision for Owen's first birthday.

We are going to go up to visit Owen mid morning. I have organised to buy some butterflies and will pick them up on Saturday at some stage. Then sunday morning we will head up to the cemetry and wish his a happy 1st birthday and release the butterflies.

Then in the afternoon, we are going to have an afternoon tea at the park (weather permitting, hopefully it will be a beautiful day). We are just having our families and closest friends. The kids can play and run a muck on all the swings, there will be lollies and savoury, and most importantly.... A cake..  I am also organising balloons (I am thinking blue, maybe another colour too.. not sure), and we will release them. I'm hoping to take lots of photo's of the day, and will put them in Owen's photo album.

I just want the day to be fun for the kids.. It's going to be hard enough to get thru, and they remember there baby brother so fondly.

My son is already making things for him. He came home from school yesterday and showed me what he has been making.. He made him a butterfly and wrote 'ben 10' on it (such a boy).. It's green and so him. He wants to give it to Owen... He is so proud of himself, and so am I. I'm so proud of them all. They talk about him when they want. I LOVE it.

One of the things making me more sad at the moment, is I was so scared of this day coming and knew I wanted to do something, but just couldn't make up my mind. Suddenly this week I realised the date. Too late to do invitations (I wanted to do personal one from my computer) but have left it to late. Add to that, the program I usually use, I can't use on this computer (i'm pretty sure). So I have had to contact people by phone or email. Not what I had planned...

So now, it's just a matter of getting to next sunday and making it thru.

Our flitterbub

Between all that is going on with the lead up to Owen's birthday, I wanted to also talk about our flitterbub..

I am nearing 29wks now, and feeling ok. We had a scan on monday, we were asked to have this scan to check on bubs growth and well being just to make sure everything was ok after loosing Owen. I have never had another scan again after the 20wk scan, so I was a little nervous the night before and the morning of.

The scan went well. We had the head technician come in and do it for us. He is aware of loosing Owen last year, so he was very thorough and told us what he was doing as he was doing it. He's so down to earth and really put us at ease.

Flitterbub is happy and healthy and kicking around. Funnily enough, bub's feet are down near it's head.

As you can see on the pic. :)




Was funny when the scanner was trying to get in to show us bubs face and get some pictures, cause all we could keep seeing was feet or hands over it's face. But we finally got one.







Bub is head down, so hopefully stays that way.


Apart from that, I am doing ok. Sleep is pretty hit and miss, actually more miss then hit lately, but eh, you get that.

It's getting closer

As Owen's birthday draws nearer and nearer, I find myself slightly all over the place. I can't make decisions, I am forgetting things worse then before, My emotional state is all ove rthe place. One minute I am smiling, the next I am cranky, crying, not wanting to be around people. It just doesn't seem to be ending..

I know it's probably a combination of Owen's birthday (god I miss him) and the pregnancy hormones.

We have decided to have a little afternoon tea with family and close friends. I am going to get a cake for Owen and just have some nibblies. For any children that will be here I am going to get some balloons for them to release for Owen.

In the morning we are going to go and visit where Owen rests, I am organising to get some butterflies. As a family, we will all release a butterfly each and spend some time with him.

I hope he will be with us at some stage of the day, if he can't be with us all day. And I hope he knows how much we love him and miss him...

In memory of Owen Edward

With Owen's first birthday coming up I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride..

Somedays I am ok and happy, other days I am so down and can't really pin point an exact 'reason' its just that feeling. When I'm asked "whats wrong", I just shrug.

I always said that we would do something for Owen's birthday, but the closer it's getting, the harder it's getting. Harder to get thru the days. Harder to make a decision of what to do.

I know I don't "have" to do something. But I want to. I just can't decide on what. I also feel like if I don't acknowledge his birthday and him, then it's letting other peopl do this aswell. He is still my son, even though he can't be seen.

The only thing I have made my mind up to do to is to run a Teddy Bear Drive.

When Owen was born, because it was all so quick, we had nothing with us. We never expected that our baby would never be coming home with us. When in hospital we were given a little teddy bear. I have photos of Owen cuddling his bear and it was all we had until someone came in. I will be forever greatful for the people who run this. Owen slept with the teddy when he wasn't in my arms. And then when we had to say goodbye and leave him, his teddy and his blanket is all I had. I slept with both for months and months.

So, in memory of Owen I am putting out there. If anyone would like to donate (it doesn't matter how much), for every $20 raised a bear will be donated in Owen's name to another family who will go thru loosing a child.

Here is Owen's Memorial page

There are 6 babies stillborn everyday in Australia, and if this is all I can do for now, then I will do my best. I do plan to volunteer or something to help families soon.

An update

Well after posting yesterday, I decided to go to the hospital and have it checked out. 'just in case'.

All is well, bubby is happy and bouncing all over the place, cervix is closed and waters intact. Has some swabs taken and will find out the results in 2-3 days if it's not good. Otherwise, no news is good news..

I just couldn't continue with it playing on my brain all the time. I think at the end of the day, Owen left us due to infection. We don't know what sort of infection or how he got it as it was never able to be picked up in any testing that was done. So at least I know, that things are ok.

Easy.... I think not!

Isn't school holidays suppose to be easy...

ahhhhhh NO... well not for me anyway.. Kids, for sure.. they love it..

So far these school holiday I have been sick most of the time. I got the flu, and got it so bad, my husband banned me to bed. You might think that sounds great, and whilst it was, it's also boring. So then I start feeling better and think, "sweet, a couple of days in bed and I have kicked this".
Sadly, not so. A couple of days later it beat me down even worse. I was exhausted, couldn't breathe properly, sore ears, sore throat, a cough that just wouldn't give up (you get the gist). Now, I know that everyone gets sick, but I think when your pregnant it just sux. Nothing can be done, you just have to suck it up.

So then we get to this weekend.. "Mrs cranky pants" I was. My god.. I was horrible.

The day started out just wrong, I have been freaking out. TMI - I know you are to expect a certain amount of discharge with pregnancy, but on sunday I had a little gush. Cue me freaking out. What if something happened to the baby.. I rang my midwife and started crying. She said that with consequtive pregnancies, that the discharge can increase. We spoke for a while and she put my mind at ease (for now). Then the crankyness really kicked in. I even went for a walk hoping that the fresh air would help.. NOPE...

Went to be early sunday night, woke up at 4am with cramps.. WHAT THE HELL.. at about 5.30am, the vomitting started. So began my next 24hrs. I couldn't stop, I was in pain from the amount I was vomitting, I couldn't keep anything down. I was either lying on bed, or in the toilet, (for one thing or another). By last night, my tummy was so so sore and having pains, my back ached and I was just misserable and crying.

So now, I have an irritable uterus (hopefully that goes away). I just have to stay calm and try and relax. I was so close to being taken to hospital, luckily, the vomitting stopped (slowed) and I was able to keep some fluids down.

All of this on school holidays. It couldn't happen on a day the kids are at school and would be made easier. Oh well.. such is life. back to the couch for me.

Why?

I'm just looking at photos of my gorgeous boy. I miss him soooo much.. It's so hard.. It's too hard. Why did he have to leave. Why couldn't he have just stayed..

It's not fair......

It's time

I have made an appointment to see my counsellor again today... I think it's time I go back. I'm not doing so great.

We went to visit Owen yesterday and I broke down. I've asked him if he can please watch over this baby and make sure all will be ok. I'm so so scared something is going to happen. I have nightmares about it. I am trying to be positive and get thru this, but so far it's not really working.

I know it's probably a combination of the pregnancy hormones and getting closer and closer to Owen's first birthday.. But, I just need some help I think.

I am missing him terribly at the moment.

I just want everything to be ok. I want to be back to going thru a pregnancy without worry, like I have in the past..

One of those weeks....

I'm having one of those weeks..

You know the ones I'm talking about..

I'm not sleeping. It's not because I'm getting up a million times a night or anything, because I'm not. In fact. I don't need to go at all during the night.. Lucky I know.

It's more that I keep having dreams/nightmares. I can't help my mind from wandering. I come up with all different scenarios that could happen.. From little things being wrong with our baby, to loosing another child.

I'm moody. I'm emotional. I'm fighting with my husband. I'm angry. I dont' want to go out. I don't really want to see people. I feel stressed at times, and that just freaks me out more. What if I'm hurting the baby. What if I'm causing it to be/get sick. What If I cause this baby to die because I'm just all over the place with everything.

I'm really missing Owen this week (and now I'm crying). I'm looking at my little girl watching Dora, and I just feel so sad. Owen should be here too.

I know, that if we didn't loose Owen, we would never had had the opportunity to meet this baby. I do love this baby, but I'm just so so soooooo scared something is going to happen again..

22wks and choices.

Here we are. Flitterbub and I at about 22ish weeks.

I had the opportunity to go out with girlfriends to an early movie and dinner on Sunday, so thought while I was all dressed up to get a picture.

I'm having a freak out week. I'm worried.. There has been alot of stress in our life and I hope that baby is ok. Infact if I am being perfectly honest, this last year has been the absolute WORST of my life. What could go wrong did go wrong. I only hope that we can go up from here. That's the way it's suppose to go isn't it?

 Bub is still kicking and moving and doing everything normally. So I know it's ok, but I can't help but worry.

I've been asked by one of my lovely friends, if Owen's birth has changed the way we want to birth this bub?

I have to say for me, no not really. If I could, I would do everything the way I wanted to last time. My husband on the other hand is worried/afraid. And I can totally see why he would be. But for me, being at home is where I am comfortable. But, we came to a compromise that we are both happy with. So we are happy. The plan will be to labour at home as long as possible and then go to hospital. The beauty of having our independen midwife is that this is good for us and she will be with us every step of the way, making sure everything is ok. I mean, afterall, this is what most women want and do anyway, so why should we have to do things differently.

The only thing that will be really different is the option to go beyond 42wks. That will not happen. I think we would freak out abit as well as those around us. This is mainly the reason why no one knows my actual EDD. I don't need the extra stress and nuisance of constant nagging of "have you had that baby yet" etc etc.. I'm sure alot know what I am talking about. The only people who know our EDD is us, our midwife and the hospital.

Some might be wondering if I will be going to the same hospital as where Owen was born. Simple answer. I'm not sure. I have left my options open and am booked in there, but I am also booked into another closer hospital as well. It's mainly going to come down to making the decision at the time. At this point in time. I'm not sure that I will be able to go back there. It's hard enough to go for the occasional appointments that we have. Luckily for me, both hospitals are happy for me to see my midwife at home for all of my pre natal care and I see them later in the pregnancy.

happy happy happy.. :)

It's been a while, time for an update

So I took some time out from my blog a while back now (as anyone who reads, has probably noticed).

I had alot to get my head around and adjust too. We found out at the end of January that we are expecting a beautiful precious bubby..

We had been of the mind that if it happened it happened, and left it up to that.. It's been a time filled with anxiety, happiness, sadness, excitement. I have found this time around I am aware of EVERYTHING. Any little niggle or twinge. Anything I am eating. Just everything. I have always been really careful with all of these things, but this time around, I'm like a crazy pedantic women. I can't help it. I have to know I am doing everything right and everything I can to have a heathy breathing baby come mid October.

We are 21'ish weeks now. And all seems to be going ok. I have my midwife with us for this journey again and she is and has been such an amazing support. I really think this will be healing for all of us. Owen was the first baby she attended to born sleeping. And we had gotten so close during our journey. I think and really really hope this is all going to be ok this time. I am working really hard (we all are) to achieve the best labour and birth for us all.

I feel like Owen has been watching over me more then ever. It's like he's with me, making sure everything is going ok with his mummy, and his baby brother or sister. (although I am sure he knows what we are having). :)

I know I originally started this blog after loosing our little Owen, and I hope that people will be ok with me discussing my pregnancy also. I need to have an outlet where I can just write whats in my head and not feel like I need to edit.

Lesson's Learnt

Today I was reading a forum I am a member on. I decided to go back and look at the thread I started after Owen was born.

It's been a long time since I went into that thread. It was his birth story. I wanted to share with a wonderful group of women our story when he was born. It was such a shock to us loosing Owen, and it was such a shock to the girls on the forum too.

It was lovely to read back over the comments I recieved after his birth. It's amazing to see how wonderful, supportive and loving a group of women can be. Women who I have never met in real life. Women who some of them have been around when I got married, have been there when I had 2 of my children, and women who are there for one of the hardest moments of my life.

I don't think these women could ever understand the depth of my gratitude for them. With there love and support I have found a way to live. It's been hard, but knowing that they were there, that I could post anything, even if it wasn't all flowers and happiness, and post without being judged.

I have made some wonderful friendships thru the forum aswell. Friendships I will treasure for the rest of my life, and friendships I know will last the rest of my life.

It really makes you stop and think about things doesn't it? How wonderful, supportive and giving people can be, even when you don't "know" them. Thru the worst possible time in your life, sometimes there is a little glimmer of light. It may be hard to see at first, but eventually you will see. This lesson I have learnt.

6 months

Today is 6 months since my beautiful baby boy was born.

6 months without him here in my arms.

I still sleep with his blanket every night. It doesn't smell like him anymore, it hasn't for a long time. I just like to have something of him close to me, like he would have been if he was here.

I think about him constantly. We talk about him all the time. He drops in for a play sometimes.

Just last week, Indi and I were playing and talking (babbling) to each other. Then all of a sudden she said "Owie".
I said "where is Owie? Is he here?"
and she pointed to a space next to me. I cried. She came up and gave me a cuddle.

I love that she can see him. I have to believe she can.

We are going to go and visit him this afternoon, after I get the kids from school.
We are also going to go to visit my older 2 children's 'mummy in heaven' aswell. Today is the 8 yr anniversary of her death. So we are going to get some flowers and go and see them both.

Wanting the positives

I know I have been pretty quiet so far this year.

I want to be positive this year. It's going to be a great year. I am looking forward to it.

I know Owen wouldn't want me to be so sad anymore. I miss him everyday and often think of him or even talk to him. Indi and I say nitey nite and hello at her sleep times. We walk past a collage of photos of him on the way to her bedroom. She blow's him a kids and says "lub you Owie".

I think he is here helping his mummy at the moment, and I love him for helping me to try to live again. I will get thru this pain and make him proud of me.

Case of the crazies

I think I am having a case of the crazies...

I was sitting here on my computer this afternoon.. All was quiet, now one was around, and then all of a sudden, Indi's jumping zebra started going off.. Now this particular toy NEVER goes of unless someone touches it. No one was here. Just me, and I wasn't near it, I actually had my back to it.

I think maybe Owen was here playing behind me, while I was working and Indi was in bed. Do you think it's possible or am I just sounding more crazier by the day.

Missing Out

This is going to sound so silly, but I just have to get it out...

I was just sitting here watching a movie.. and a thought occured to me.  I will never see Owen fall in love, I will never see him marry the love of his life, I will never see him have his own children and become a father.

I've always thought about the now that I will be missing. Never getting anymore cuddles, never to hear his first words, I never heard what his voice sounded like because I never got to hear that first cry. I'll never get to see him play with his brothers and sisters. But tonight watching the movies. It all occured to me that it's not just the "now" that I'm missing, I'm going to be missing it all.

It sounds so silly doesn't it. I can't believe this thought never went thru my mind before.