Not a happy christmas this year

It's been so hard to get thru this Christmas and it's not even over yet. I have retreated to just sitting in "my corner" again. I have cried myself to sleep. Usually every christmas I am the crazy happy one, getting right into it with the kids and having fun. This year I just can't seem to do it.

We had christmas with my husbands family on sunday. What an awful day. The kids had a great time swimming and playing with there cousins. Me on the other hand. I was sad, crying, angry, numb. I went thru all the emotions. I just didn't want to be there. I went and found a quiet place a couple of times. I one point, I even went into the kids room where they were playing and just lied on the bed near them.

And the thing that pissed me off the most. NOBODY mentioned Owen. NOBODY even asked how I am doing.

My heart isn't in it. My heart at the moment, is with Owen. He should be here with his family, in my arms, having a breastfeed, I should be changing newborn nappies. I would have a 4month old. I want all that more than anything...

I want him back. I want this to all go away to just find out that I have been having a really long sleep and having a really bad nightmare.

Can this year get any worse

I recieved a phone call from my dad this morning.

My nana passed away early hours of this morning.

I am feeling a little of everything at the moment. My Pa (nana's husband) died July last year. I was by his bedside when he took his last breath. My nana and Pa mean the world to me. Once he left us, I knew it would be hard for nana without him. They have been together for so long. She has been lost, broken without him. But still to recieve that phone call today, still shocked me at the same time that it didn't. Does that make sense.

I know she is with Pa again and would be so happy to be with him. But it still hurts. I will miss her so much. I miss Pa so much too.

The only comfort I have from her passing at the moment is that Nana and Pa are together again, and hopefully they have found my little Owen and are looking after him.

Today was suppose to be a good day.

Well, it's 12.23am, 18th December. Today is my 30th birthday.

Any other year, I would have been so excited. Gone to bed early, so I could wake up early. I'm normally like a big kid when it comes to birthdays and Christmas.

Not this year.

I was so looking forward to turning 30 all year. Thinking. "OMG, I will be 30 with 5 kids. I will have a 4 month old, I'll be tired from night feeds and loving snuggly newborn cuddles".

Not this year.

Instead. Here I sit. With my arms empty. In pain. Longing for and missing my baby. I don't want people to think I am ungreatful because I have other children. I know this, and I love them deeply. What is lacking, is my Owen. A piece of my heart and soul that has been taken away from me. A piece that will never be returned.

This year. It is taking all I can to just get by. To just survive my birthday. To make it thru Christmas. To make sure my kids are ok and have a happy Christmas.

So much for any exciting 30th birthday. It's suppose to be an exciting milestone. For me. It's been the worst milestone to reach yet.

Lost

I am feeling so lost at the moment. I so wish to have Owen here. I will I had to gift so I can see him and talk to him. I miss him so much. I wonder what he is doing and where he is? Is he with me, is he around me, my husband or our children?. What is he thinking? Is he happy, is he safe?

I would do anything to have him back. I would do anything to see him again.

It's a cruel world

My friends had a baby yesterday. And while I am happy for them. I still feel like I have been kicked in the guts.

They have what I should have had. They are holding there baby safely and healthy in there arms. They will have there baby at Christmas. My arms are empty. My heart is empty. I feel sad, hurt, pissed off.

They have what I so desperately want and should have had and it hurts.

Really struggling

I haven't been on much anywhere lately.. I just am not doing well with this holiday and not having Owen. I have been crying ALOT... I was just standing in Harvey Norman the other day and just started crying. I have no idea where it came from or anything. It just happened..

I think maybe I am struggling alot more than I am actually letting on to people. I just don't want them to worry about me. I feel like maybe some people feel like I should be moving on by now. I don't know. Today I just felt like, is any of this really worth it. We don't seem to be able to catch a break, and I just can't be bothered. I want my son. I want him so much and I hate this life without him. I feel like a part of me is missing and will never get that back.

I hate it, I hate all of this. I don't want it,

Anonymous Gift

I just recieved this beautiful heart in the mail today. I am absolutely amazed, overwhelmed and just speechless.

You see this gift is from someone unknown. There was no card or anything with it. It has come directly from the company who did it and thats all I know.

I would love to be able to find out who did this for me and my family. I absolutely love it and would love to be able to thank the person.

If anyone should know who sent it or you were the one to send it I would love to hear from you. I would love the opportunity to thank you. from the bottom of my heart thank you.

When Reality strikes

I went away this weekend. My nana hasn't been well and had one of her legs amputated a few weeks ago. My mum was going up so I decided to go with her.

It was nice to see my nana and she seems to be in good spirits at the moment (when she remembers whats happening). It's sad to see her forgetting things like this, but in the same way it's nice not to see her in as much pain anymore. We can actually have a conversation.

We decided to take her out for the day to go and see my uncle, and it was a nice visit. Although for some reason it started the emotional rolacoaster for me.
As we were leaving my mum was talking to my Aunty saying how nice it was to see me etc, and the only ones she hasn't seen yet was Indianna and Hubby. For such a small comment, meaning no harm I know. It just came out of no where. I just looked at them and burst into tears and sat in the car. I am sure my Aunty thought I had lost the plot, it just came so quickly. I realised that Although she hasn't seen Indianna and hubby yet, she will get to one day soon. But she will never meet my beautiful baby boy, Owen.

I just want to show him off to everyone and introduce him, but he's not here in my arms and I hate it.

What is this?

I don't know what happened today or what to make of it.

I went to toys r us quickly to have a little look at presents for the kiddlywinks for xmas. I was walking around and found myself in the baby section.

Next thing I know, my chest feels really tight and I couldn't breathe properly and started crying.

I have no idea what to make of it. My mum said it might be a panic or anxiety attack. I don't know. Something like that has never happened to me before.

Thinking

I'm lying here thinking, I should have organised to see "New Moon" tonight for the midnight session. It's not like I sleep anyway....

Wishing I could do more

Awake again. No surprise really. I decided I should try to come to bed early to try to sleep. But here I am. Wide awake.

I wonder when sleep will come back to me. Will it ever? I was feeling so tired tonight, but as much as I try I just can't bring myself to come to bed or go to sleep before 11.42pm.

Is there something wrong with me?

I just checked on Indianna (20 months old) before coming to bed. This seems to be a habit I have picked up again. I can't walk into her room without checking to see if she's ok. Placeing my hand on her belly to make sure she's breathing. Touch her hand, her face.
I was looking down on her in her cot tonight holding her hand, and oh god, I saw Owen. She looked so much like him. Her little nose and mouth. It's the same as Owen's. I just miss him so dam much.

I have been part of an online mums group for both Indi and Owen. They have both been great supports to me whilst I was pregnant and beyong an now also going thru the hardest thing I think I will ever go thru. It's saddens me so much that I am not visiting them as much anymore. Mainly my July mummies. I live them all, but god. It's just so so hard. I want to be there more for them as slot are first time mums. But it hurts too much at times. Especially at the moment. Coming up to milestones. Some are talking about starting solids. And although Owen is the youngest in the group it just makes me think of what would have been coming. It's just the little things. But it's surprising how much the little things can hurt. They are talking about doing a secret Santa at the moment aswell. Just another thing I miss out on because for some unknown and stupid reason someone took my baby away from me.

I just wish I could be in a better place to help them and be there for all these beautiful ladies and mummies that have helped me so much.

WTF?

Ok, so I am fucken angry at the moment.. Well that and hurt beyone belief.

I just came home and on my way home I decided to visit my boy. I miss him and was already feeling sad today. It's been a hard, crying day.

Get home and I have a letter waiting from me. From the Hospital. From what I can tell it is a copy of "notes" from Owen's autopsy results. I summary if you will for my GP.

So I'm sitting here reading it, crying. And the I come to this paragraph, and I quote:

"Melissa asked if earlier delivery would have saved Owen's life. The obvious answer is yes, but this is easy in hindsight"

So now, I sit here, balling my eyes out, thinking about it all. I just don't understand. I feel numb all over again

Owen's Tattoo

I have wanted to get a tattoo for as long as I can remember. I always wanted something that meant something to me. I was just never able to find exactly what I wanted.

After loosing Owen, I made a decision. I was FINALLY going to get my first tattoo. I was going to get Owen's intials on my wrist. I can't think of anything better than having Owen as my first tattoo.

My friend and I got together, and I told him exactly what I wanted. I want to have Owen's initials "OED", but in a font so that it interlinked over each other. I felt that this way it was special to me as not everyone would be able to see exactly what it is. And since I have always loved butterflies and butterflies have also become a symbol for Owen, I wanted to have one with his intials..

I went to my tattooist yesterday to get it done. I was freaking out abit because everyone kept telling me that this was REALLY REALLY going to hurt.. (yeah thanks) But I was so surprised to find out that it didn't hurt at all.

Here is a picture of my new addition



This is my way of now having my sweet little boy with me for the rest of my life, just like all my other children will be by my side for the rest of my life, so will he.

RIP baby boy

On Monday 2nd November at 10am we laid our gorgeous baby boy Owen Edward to rest.

We had a beautiful little service for him. We gathered with our family and our closet friends to say good bye.

Another hard day.....





I had organised balloons for all the children present to release and my best friend organised to have some little matchbox cars for each of them to place with Owen, so he would have some toys with him.



My babies sitting with there baby brother xxxxx



I miss my baby boy so much.. We all love you so so much...

It was a hard day for all of us...

Struggling

Tomorrow, at 10am. We are having Owen's Internment Service. We are placing my baby boy in the ground. His headstone is already there and ready and waiting for him.

Why am I struggling?
Because I'm not sure if I am ready to let go. It feels like this is really admitting that my baby boy isn't here anymore. At the moment, I think living in the limbo I have created is my saving grace. He is still here. To me, he is here with me. But tomorrow he wont be. Tomorrow, my son is gone. Owen is gone.

I know that by putting him in the memorial garden, he will be laid to rest. Other people will be able to go to see him and talk to him.

I just don't know. I am not ready to really except that this is really real. Maybe on some level I am still in shock. I don't know. I just don't know.

Why does every step have to be so dam hard. Why can't we just have our babies like we are suppose to. Why do they have to get taken away. I will never understand, I dont' want to understand. It's not right that we and other baby lost mama's have to go thru this..

Sharing A Poem

A friend just sent me this poem, and I wanted to share it.

God sent to us an angel

but you were just on loan

we cherished you with all our hearts

but soon our time had flown

twas hard, so hard to give you back

for we just loved you so

and how hard it was to say good bye

no one will ever know.

Insomnia

And here I am...... Wide awake...... 12.46am..... I should be asleep..... Isn't that what people do? Normal people! Am I normal anymore? What is normal?

Why is it I can feel tired but yet sleep doesn't come?

Normal can't be a place where people loose babies..... Who wants to have this pain..... No one..... But yet, here we are..... A place where it happens more than people know or think..... It's just no one talks about it.....

Really happening

I got a phone call on Wednesday letting me know Owen's plaque and picture is ready for his headstond.

Today we went up to the cremetorium to decide where we wanted it put on the stone.

It's been a hard day, it's been a hard week. For some reason I am crying more this week and I dont know why. Today especially but I know thats because the time is getting nearer where we lay our boy in the ground in the baby memorial garder.

It's like doing that today was making this all real. This is real. I am a mummy to 5 gorgeous children, but only have 4 here in my arms. I dont' want this reality. I want all 5 of my babies in my arms.

Reality is sad and cruel.

Sleepless nights

I'm lying here in bed. Another night of not sleeping. Seems to be my life now. I use to be an 'in bed by 9.30pm' kind of girl. Now, it's 12.06 and I am fully awake. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is my precious boy.

Tonight when I close my eyes to 'try' to go to sleep, I see my babies funeral. Sitting there and looking at his tiny casket with all his toys around him. Having to walk away at the end. Bloody hell, I cry again now just writing about it. I hated leaving him there.

I hate that he was taken away from me. I hate this. This feeling of loss, of grief, of emptiness, I think feeling numb too. I know I have my husband, children, family and friends. I know this, but it doesn't take those feeling away.

I miss my youngest son. I miss my baby. I want him back. I want this all just be a bad dream and to wake up now. I don't want to do this anymore.

PLEASE JUST LET ME WAKE UP NOW!

Lighting a candle for our Angels.

Today is International Pregnancy and Infant loss day.

I lite a candle for my sweet little man Owen, and also for my good friends who have also lost Lola and Emily, and a special little candle for all the other little angels no longer with us.



Thinking of you all today
xxxxx

It's the little things

If it wasn't for my children, I highly doubt that I would get up everyday and continue with life. A Life without my youngest son Owen. For ME, my kids are the ones keeping me from staying in the "big black hole", that is so easy to fall into.

This weekend, Saturday was a bit of a quiet day. I was sitting in my corner of the lounge room with the music channel on. Owen's song "last day on earth, by Kate Miller-Heidke" came on. Everytime I hear this song, I don't care where I am, or how much it hurts. I listen to it. I turn it up and Listen and remember my sweet little boy. The words are so true for me.

So I was sitting here, listening, and watching. My eldest daughter, Ashlee, heard it on and came out to sit and watch "Owen's song". Listening to it. I started to cry (like I do every time). She saw me crying, and Adam rubbing my back. She walked over to me, and gave me a big hug and a kiss. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to. Next thing I know, she must have gone out to the other room and told my son Mackenzie to come in and give me a hug. He walked in and saw me, bent over and gave me a kiss and cuddle. Indianna was hot on his heals, she looked up at me, put her arms up in the air for me to pick her up. I picked her up and sat her on my lap. She turned to look at me, put her arms around me and patted and rubbed my back. Bear in mind, Indianna in only 19mths old. I tell you, children can sense so many things.

My children were my saviours on Saturday.

Today, Sunday. We went on a road trip to Maryborough. My nana is very sick and we aren't sure how much longer she is going to be with us. So I wanted to go and see her. It was a nice trip, with the family.

On the way home, we stopped for hubby to get a coffee. He told the kids to hop out and stretch their legs before we hit the road again. So I look over at the kids to see what they are up to. And there they all are, my 3 eldest "stretching there legs" like they are about to do exercise or run a race.

I laughed so much. I good belly laugh. These haven't happened much at all over the last 9 weeks. (Actually I would be able to count on one hand and still have fingers left free of how many times I have had a good laugh.) It was hilarious.

My children. They are my reason for not going too deeply into that "big black hole".

Another small step.

I made another small step today.

I went (with my husband and Indianna) to pick up my 3 kids from school. It's the first time I have been there since before Owen was born. My husband had taken over taking the kids to and from school before I had Owen to give me a little break (greatly appreciated at 43wks pregnant).

But today. I did it. I went to school. I picked up my kids.

I cried as we walked up to the school and had to stop and take some deep breathes, but I did it.

Some people might think whats the big deal. Well to me it was a big deal. My youngest son started Prep this year, and all year every morning and every afternoon when I have gone to school I was pregnant. I met mums in my son's class and they all have known me as being pregnant and have been there for just about my whole pregnancy. When Owen was born, some of the mums even came to the funeral to support us, and made us meals to help out. They even offered to get the kids for us to and from school.

So as you can see, Owen was a big part of "school". Walking in there today without him, well it was another kick in the guts (I was just talking a friend about "kicks in the guts" today, and she was right. they never stop).

One small step. But I did it, with help, but I did it all the same. Tomorrow I will take another small step and do it again.

Never to be forgotten

I cried myself to sleep last night. I was thinking about Owen's funeral and how much it hurt to leave him. I just wanted to run up to him, and never let him go. Hold him. Kiss him. Have him with me. Not like this.

So today. I was looking thru all the things I have for him. I still have it all sitting in the lounge room. I can see it from where I sit and look at it all the time. I have been teaching Indianna how to say Owen, and when I ask her where Owen is, she looks over to the corner where all his things are. Walks over there and just looks at his things and say "Owweee, ohhhhhhh".

I took a couple of photos of Owen's things as I wanted to share them. I don't want Owen to be forgotten, so I want to share just a couple of the things we bought for him.


Owen's first nappy

One of the outfits we bought for him

My best friends mum knitted this for Owen

And lastly. Owen, I put you up on the wall on Saturday. You are right where we can see you all the time. I hope you like it.

We love you very much little man. xxxxx

Owen's visit

Yesterday I had a reading done with a clairvoient. I was desperately hoping Owen would be there. I have been so afraid and upset at the thought that he is angry, upset or blamed me for this happening. It has been on my mind so often.

The reading was great. She used Tarot cards this time, and it was all so accurate.

But the thing that sticks out the most to me is that my little boy was there. I cried when she started to describe what she was seeing/being told. It was my Owen. He was there with us.

She described him perfectly. Even describing things that I, Adam or the kids did when he was in my belly. I still just can't believe he was there. He loved when Adam would rub my tummy and cuddle him, and when the kids would kids and cuddle him thru my belly. She said he remembers this all the time, and really loved it.

She described him being very little (which he was), and frail. She told me even if he had of survived labour he wouldn't have been with us very long as he was very sick. I asked if anything would have changed if I had him earlier, to which she said no. He may have been with us for a couple of weeks, but this was his path. She mentioned how long he had held on and stayed with my in my tummy for, and said that he was very happy in there and was prolonging his time with me. God I'm crying now just talking about it. He's not angry with me, and doesn't blame me at all. He told me there was nothing I could have done to change him leaving us. Still breaks my heart to know that, but I am so glad I got to meet him.

He did mention to her that he wants his picture on our wall. I have his twinkle toes here with all his clothes, toys, keepsakes and beautiful things we have been sent. It is all in the loungeroom in my area I had set up as our birthing space. I had to laugh that he mentioned this. I have been just trying to find the right place to put it up.

He is my angel. I have learnt alot from him. I have learnt to have more patience. I have learnt to believe in myself and my body, to trust myself. I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to. And while some days it is hard to remember these things, I will try to remember this always. Even on my darkest days when nothing helps to ease my pain. I will never forget my beautiful sweet boy.

Results

Today was hard. Just walking into the hospital was hard enough, without even thinking about the reason we actually had to be there.

I dont' know where to start or what to think. I feel like I am all over the place, and trying to make sense. It's all feels like I am on the outside looking in and not really remembering what I was looking at.

We got the results today. They told us that Owen died because of infection. We don't know when the infection could have started or how the infection got in. They don't have answers for that. Although we have asked them to see if they can give us a bit more information.

The report states that Owen died "just before birth", yet the Dr today was trying to say that they think he died long before that, and that they were actually picking up my heart rate instead of his. Which we whole heartedly disagree with. My midwife was keeping a close eye on both of our heart rates and there was a difference. Mine was usually around 70 and Owen's was 120. I don't understand why she was trying to say this. Even I remember in the birth suite the hospital midwife was right next to me checking his heart rate, and I remember her saying it was 120. I know just before he was born it dropped to 60.

He had also swallowed alot of meconium. It was all in his lungs. So even if they had have been able to resucitate, he probably wouldn't have made it anyway... yeah, I feel like absolute shit.

The placenta and cord and everything was ok. It wasn't breaking down and not doing it's job. As thats what can start happening when a baby goes post dates.

The doctor kept saying to us 'this is good news' because we had a reason and he didn't die because of my "choices". I'm sorry but NO.... this isn't 'good news'. Good news would be having my baby boy here with me, in my arms, ALIVE. This is NOT 'good news'.

I guess I should be comforted by the fact that there was actually a reason that they could give us. But I dont' know if I really do. All I can think about now, is how selfish I feel for wanting to have a vaginal birth.

I asked at one point if I had of had a c-sec at 38wks would he still be here. The Dr said 'yes, probably'. Of course I started sobbing. that's just what I wanted to hear right? NOT!!! why did I even ask the question, because now I feel absolutely broken. My midwife made a point though that we dont' know if he would have made it. He was so little and might not have been ready to be born and there could have been other problems we had to deal with.

I dont' know what to think now. I feel numb. I pretty much zoned out during the meetin after they said he died 'because of infection'. I keep getting told that it's not my fault and I have nothing to feel guilty for. Of course I am going to feel guilty. I will always carry guilt for not having my son here. Even working thru my emotions now, I feel guilty. I know that I did everything possible for my son, and did so much research into the choices that we made, but at the end of the day, it doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't bring Owen back......

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow we find out what the hospital found as to why our little boy couldn't stay with us.

To say I am scared, would be an understatement.

I know people keep telling me that you can't worry about the 'what if's', but in truth. That is something that I can't stop. I don't think anyone could or would be able to stop thinking this way.

What happens if they found out that his reason for dieing was something that was in my control to change. It is possible that they could have found something to indicate this. I am so so scared that it could happen. I already feel guilty enough that I wasn't able to protect Owen and bring him into this world safely. That is my job as a mother and I failed. I failed in my job in the worst possible way. My son isn't here, and that is something that will live with me for the rest of my life.

Daddies hurt too

I never really thought about how my husband might be feeling with the lose of his son. I know he misses him and he hurts too, but I guess I have been so caught up in myself that I never thought much further than that.

We both have been keeping a journal since the lose of Owen. I started mine not long after Owen was born,and he knows where it is and I have told him he can read it whenever he likes. I find it easier to write my feelings than talking about them. My husband started his about a month ago, and I only just found out about it last week. Last night when he finished writing in it he let me read it.

He has been so busy trying to be strong for me, that he never really talked to me about his feelings because I have always been so upset. But in reading his thoughts last night, my heart broke again. I had no idea. I wont talk about it all but something that really struck my heart is something I would like to mention, and maybe it may help other women with an insight into what there husband may be feeling with the lose of a child.

He mentioned that he worries that Owen didn't really know him. That they never got that connection that a mother and baby has. I carried Owen for 10months, and felt everything and anything. But daddy only really got to feel movements when I told him he was moving or if we were snuggling at night and he felt him (Owen was always most active around 10.30-11pm). He always felt that the connection he got with his children comes once they are born and he gets to have cuddles, and help ease them and play with them.

How do I get him to understand that Owen knew him and loved him. He knew who his daddy was and loved him very much. They WERE connected. Even though he never got to hold him alive, feel the warmness of Owen's skin against his, see the pinkness coming back to his skin with every breath. He knew his daddy. His voice calmed him and sometimes it was daddies voice that would get him to play. How do I tell him this and for him to understand.

How can I be so selfish as to not even think of this.......

I'm Hurting

It's not fair.



This is how it should be.

We should be having cuddles and kisses. Not me sitting here crying because I miss him so much and can't hold him and kiss him...

Living in Limbo Land

I feel like I am in a constant state of Limbo. My life doesn't seem real. I mean, I am here, and living and with my family and friends, but there is a part of me thats missing.

Everytime I do something or try to go somewhere, I feel like I have left something behind. I am constantly checking my pockets, my bag, behind me. Something is missing.....

I think I sometimes still think I am pregnant. It's the only reason I can come up with as to why Owen isn't here with me. This can't be real. What sort of world do we live in when our children leave this place before we do. It's not right.

I find everytime I try to eat something (which isn't often). I am constantly thinking, no I can't have that, that won't be good it could have listeria. I sometimes feel like I can feel kicking in my belly too. It's so bizarre. I even find myself sitting forward and re-adjusting my sitting position like I did when I was pregnant so Owen was in a good position.

And than it all comes flooding back. I don't have my baby here with me. THIS is my life now, THIS is my reality. ......

Dreaming of Owen and Lola

Every night, when I go to be and close my eyes. I see our beautiful baby boy Owen. I see him all the time. Sometimes it's visions of me during my pregnancy. More often than not it's visions of my labour and Owen's birth. Me holding him and crying. Just looking at him and how beautiful he is. I usually wake up with tears in my eyes.

But last night was different. I eventually got to bed after midnight, and it took me a long time to fall asleep, but when I did I had a beautiful dream. I dreamt of a little boy and girl playing in a beautiful big field with long grass and scattered daisies. It was so beautiful, they were just running around chasing each other and having fun.

After a while I saw two women sitting on a bench watching their children play. One of the women was me, and the other was my beautiful friend of mine who also lost her baby girl, Kristalee. That little boy and girl that I saw playing was our babies, Owen and Lola. Only they were a little older probably around 2 and running around together having the best time.

It was so beauitiful but wierd all at the same time. It was like we were there with them, but were just watching them, sitting with each other.

I wanted to write this and hopefully kristalee, you see this and I hope it's ok that I said it. I don't want you to be sad, but I had to get it down. I really like to believe that they are together playing and watching out for both of us.

I don't know where the dream came from, but I'm so glad I had it. It was the first one I had of Owen since he was taken away from us that wasn't of my labour, birth or clouded by misunderstanding and doubt. It was kind of like it was a glimpse to let me know that he is ok.... they are ok.... they are together....

I don't even know if I am making any sense. It's so hard to remember everything, and get it down between the tears. But I just had to.

xxxxxxx

Can you help my friend?

A beautiful friend of mine is trying to put together a memorial for her gorgeous baby girl Lola who was born sleeping in May this year.

She is having a fundraiser for her "Play in the Park" for bonnie babes.

We are asking for people to send Kristalee a photo with Lola's name in it? Just everyday people doing everyday things but showing that they're thinking of Lola and your family.

If you would like to add to this beauitful tribute, Kristalee is asking for the pictures to be emailed to her by the 27th September.

You can find her details http://lolaconstanceevelyn-kristalee.blogspot.com/ or her blog is in my favourite blogs on the side.

waiting for sleep

I was just sitting here thinking, and you know what. Owen was born on the 8th August 09 at 11.42pm. And ever since he was born I have not gone to bed before this time.

I dont know why, maybe I feel like I need to be up at this time to feel him, to feel like he's still here. I don't know..

Every night, I write in my journal, grab his blanket that he was wrapped in and cuddle up to it, wish him goodnight and lie there wide awake until that clock ticks over and than wait. Wait for sleep to take over, wait for my dreams to come. Only now, my dreams are of Owen. Of me being in labour, and me birthing him, and of my sweet beautiful little boy being placed in my arms by his daddy, and me not understanding what had happened, and why, WHY, was he taken away from us?

Why?...........

"Magic Number"

Today Owen would have been 6 weeks old. 6 weeks tonight at exactly 11.42pm since my baby boy made his way into this world in a way that we didn't understand. It's devastating.

6wks, is suppose to be that "magic number" in which, you have your check up to make sure everything is ok with your uterus and 'down there'. It's suppose to be the week that Owen should have been having his needles and being weighed and checked out etc etc.

Instead I sit here with empty arms looking at his things and wondering how in the bloody hell this happened. For which I may very well never have the answers for.

But no matter what, he was loved and is loved and will be for the rest of our days..

Making sense and peoples opinions

Ok. So I'm just going to be perfectly honest. Some might not understand, but I just need to get this down and out. I'm not even sure if I'll make sense, but, like I said. I need to get it out.

Having a baby came up today. Mainly a conversation with my mum tonight is playing on my mind now. I can't even sit here and read my book now, as I have read the same page over and over thinking about this conversation.

I'm not sure how it came up but it did and we got started talking about us having another child. My mum wants me to wait and spend some time with the kids and as a family before we have another child. And while that is all well and good for her to have her opinion and I love her dearly(don't get me wrong, she has been amazing support), I don't agree. I mean it's not like we are going to get pregnant next week and have a baby next month or anything(impossible and slight exageration, I know). To me we will be doing this and are doing this anyway. We always spend time together and do things together, that "reason" doesn't seem right to me. My thinking is that if we are meant to have another baby and there is another little soul that has already chosen us and is just waiting, then it will happen. It will know when the time is right and things will happen when its meant to (well at least this is what I think, and have to believe) I have questioned all my beliefs alot over the last few weeks, but this one, I can't let go of.

I don't need to hear people telling me, "Maybe you should wait and take some time before having another baby". I know my mind, I know my body. I know when the time is and will be right. I am not rushing into anything and doing something crazy. I love Owen with all my heart and no child or baby or anything can or will EVER replace him. I hope he knows that. This isn't about replacing him. Not at all. I just feel like my journey isn't finished yet. I dont' feel finished. I think if Owen had have been here with me now, I would still want another baby anyway. thats just me, I love kids, but I know I will have to stop. eventually....

I feel guilty for even thinking about this yet, but I just can't help these thoughts.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this down and if your reading this Owen. Mummy loves you so much. We all do. I hope your happy, and please know that I think about you all the time and you will never be replaced. You will always be my beautiful baby boy. And one day, we will meet again and I will give you the biggest and bestest cuddles and kisses EVER xxxxxxx I love you

I hate feeling sick.

What a horrible couple of days. Tuesday night I felt like I "might" be coming down with something, but thought nothing more about it. Than yesterday was like I was hit by a bus. My ears itch, my troat is dry and scratchy, my heard hurts and I just hurt all over in general. Emotionally and physically..

So yesterday hubby gets home from getting the kids from school, and I pass out. I couldn't see out of one eye and I just started spinning out. I slept all afternoon right thru till this morning, and I still feel exhausted.

I've also been thinking about Owen alot. I dreamt about him alot last night. It felt so real. I didn't want to wake up. We were so happy and having lots and lots of cuddles and kisses.

I had to a Makeup job on this afternoon. The only reason I was able to go really, is because nobody there knew I was pregnant or that I had Owen. And as much as that hurts to not be talking about him, I find I can't yet, not to people I dont' see much or at a job. I don't want to break down infront of people, even strangers. I guess you could say I have a couple of hours to take a step out of reality for a while. It hurts, it sucks, I feel guilty and I hate that I did it, but I did.

Should things still be like this now? Shouldn't things be getting easier by now? Should I be in a different place? I dont know. All I know is it f&#king hurts. ALOT.

Scared

I have been pretty quiet the last few days. I'm not sure why exactly, and by that I mean nothing in my mind is jumping out and telling me why I have decided to "retreat" a little inside. I guess it's just kind of happened.

It started over the weekend. I just seem to sit in my corner and reading or what not. Still haven't ventured outside really, or to the shops. I know I need to start changing this, I know I need to start getting out more and start "living" again. I guess I'm just scared. Scared that if I do people will think I'm moving on, Scared that by people thinking that that Owen will be forgotten and not be mentioned or talked about. Scared that by me going out and doing things Owen will think I have forgotten about him and think that I don't love him.

It will be 6 weeks on Saturday since Owen was born. I miss him every second and every day.

It just feels wrong, to have given birth to my baby boy only a short few weeks ago, and I know I had a baby, my body had gone back to normal (apart from the extra kilos' I have), my family knows I had a baby, but no one eles does. Because when I do start doing things and going places he is not here in my arms where he is suppose to be. It hurts to think about doing those things, to see new mums with their babies in the prams/arms and know that that should have been me.

The times that I have had to go somewhere in the car, I look at where is capsule was and think of what I had dreamt of for months with having our baby with us, in his capsule. I had everything planned out and situated. Where everything was in the car so we all fit, where the pram went so the kids could get in and out with standing on it or tripping over it, the adapters so the capsule could connect to the pram to make like a little easier. But now, that's all packed up in a box waiting for us to make a decision.

To write their name in the sand.

Today I received Owen's "name in the sand".

This is a wonderful project that Carly started after having a dream. You can find her "to write their names in the sand". It's listed in my favourite blogs.

I think what she is doing is a moving tribute for those parent's who have lost the sweet babies/children.

Update from yesterday

I was a complete mess when Adam got home yesterday afternoon, after recieving Owen's death certificate in the mail. I have felt so sick ever since. I feel like I am back to the day that Owen was born.

He couldn't understand why in cause of death, those things were written. He called the hospital to talk to our bereavement counsellor. We especially couldn't understand why the hell we would recieve the death certificate BEFORE we even had results from the autopsy, ESPECIALLY when that hadn't even been completed..

Basically to start with, we shouldn't have recieved the Death Certificate and she apologised profusely. (doesn't take away the shock and pain I felt when opening the mail)
There is also a new way things are done for this now, it cuts down the amount of forms they go thru (or something like that). like I care about the amount of paper work they have to do. No one should have to receive a death certificate before even finding out the results first.
The things that were written on his Death certificate in cause of death, was the information they had at Owen's birth, and it was written down, so the funeral home could do what they needed to and so Owen could be cremeated.

We have now found out that Owen's autospy results are back and we are arranging a time to go into the hospital for a meeting. I am even more terrified now to go in for this meeting. I don't I will handle if the results come back with some of the things that are written on the certificate we have now.

I am so angry that this has happened. I feel guilty enough, and than reading that for the cause of Owen's death, was like a kick in the guts. Seeing it written down on paper after I was already feeling like it was my fault was just too much. I am sad for all of this happening and frustrated for the way this has happened.. I feel like I am on a never ending roller coaster of emotions.

We have the option of coming in now for the autopsy results or to wait a couple of weeks for the Dr that was at our birth to be here to give us the results. I feel like I am just in limbo and waiting for the results. I need to have something for why this has happened. Even "if" there is no reason for it, and it just happened, I feel like I need to know that. I sit here constantly thinking about the "what if's". Could I have done something different that would have changed this happening. If I had of gone into labour earlier would he be here, If I would have just had another c-section would Owen be here in my arms now. I guess by hearing something I "may" stop thinking these things. I don't know.

Confused, my fault

I just received Owen's death Certificate in the mail. what a blow this is.. I feel numb. I think I do. I dont know how I feel.

I have just read it, and FUCK...

I don't understand. If we haven't got the results of the autopsy left, how can they write what his cause of Death is???

because right now, after reading the certificate. I really feel like its' my fault. I already felt enough guilt. but now... I can't even talk...

it basically says the reason is post dates, meconium liquor and planned homebirth with precious history of 2 previous caesarean sections...

so basically my baby boy isn't in my arms because of ME!!!!!!!! I feel sick to my stomach...........

Happy Birthday

Today my eldest son, Jayden, turns 10yrs old. Double digits. He really does have the coolest birthday. He was born 09-09-99.

I can't believe how quickly time is flying. I still remember when he was a toddler, running around. (my husband was married before, his wife passed away suddenly and they had 2 children together)

He is a great boy and with everything that has happened in our/his lives, he still strives to do the best he can.

You know it's the little things. Like today. We should have all been sitting here watching him open his presents with his 2 younger brothers and 2 youngers sisters watching on.

Mail

We had Owen baptised when he was born, and just now in the mail we recieved his baptism certificate.

Will anything ever get easier? I just broke down crying.

One month today

You would have been 1 month old today.

At this time one month ago I was in labour, preparing to meet you, my precious baby. We were working thru surges and I was loving my labour. It was such a beautiful day. Surrounded by my husband, my best friend and my midwifes. I felt safe, loved and that I can do anything. You were safely tucked in my belly. Little did I know this would be the last time I would feel you moving.

I remember everything about your birthday. Being in hospital and pushing thinking, OMG I am doing this, we will be meeting soon. Then the hospital staff saying that we had to get you out quickly as his heart rate had decreased. When you were born you were put on my tummy, and then quickly whisked over to the resus table. I thought the hospital staff where just suctioning you airways clear to make sure you didn’t swallow any meconium. I looked at the hospital midwife and said “does this mean he will be in special care”. She replied with “yes”. You had a heartbeat just before you were born so we just thought they were checking you over.

Then my world shattered. Those 3 little words “I’m so sorry”. You were placed in your daddy’s arms for a cuddle. We were in shock. What had happened? You were fine. Why weren’t you breathing? Daddy gave you to me so I could finally cuddle you. I cried, you were so little and beautiful. Such fair skin. I always said you would be smaller than your brother and sister, and you were. My smallest baby by far. You skin was so soft, you didn’t even look like a baby that had gone over your “due date”. Long fingers with beautiful long finger nails. Long long feet. My beautiful baby boy. I didn’t even get to hear you cry, or take your first breath. It breaks my heart that I can’t even say what colour your eyes were.

I still can’t believe you aren’t here with us. Safely in our arms, having lots of cuddles. I should be going thru the newborn stage with you. Lots of feeds and nappy changes. What I wouldn’t give to not be getting sleep and to be trying to settle you.

Mummy and daddy miss you so much. We think about you all the time. I can’t comprehend trying to get on with things without you here. I still have all your things on the chair in the lounge room, with pictures of you and your toys. I can’t bring myself to move them and wont’ do for a while. I look at them all the time and sit with you.

Your brothers and sisters miss you too. One of my favourite photos is of them cuddling you. You look like you are sleeping. It’s so beautiful.

We love you very much my sweet beautiful boy.

Having a bad day

Not a good day here.

I have been in tears most of the day. I have felt constantly sick for the last 2 days. Just this never ending feeling in my stomach and feeling like I need to be sick.

We went to the crematorium today to hand in what we want written on Owen's plaque. It was so hard. I cried all the way there. It was hard to leave the house but I had to do it. For Owen. I got to pick up his ashes, as I wanted to bring him home and have him here with me for a while. We bought a beautiful pewter urn with a little teddy bear on it for him. And I carried him home. This is the first time he has been home since he was born. How wrong is that. The first time he comes home is nearly a month later and he's not safely tucked in our arms. alive.....

We organised to have his hand and foot mouldings done with twinkle toes, and I had to go there today also to pick things out. I got to see his beautiful little hands and feet again. My heart broke. They are so tiny. His little hand mouldings even have his long nails in them. He had such long nails when he was born.

We went to centrelink today to get that paperwork handed in. It's just the absolute last thing you want to do when you loose your child. It was awful. Thank god my husband was with me for all of this..

I know I say it all the time. But I just wish I had my little boy. I miss him so much. xxxxxxx

WHY WHY WHY????

So angry

Today I've woken up with so much anger.

I'm angry at the world, at my husband, at everyone and everything. I am pushing people away and I dont' know how to stop.

I just found out that my 2 boys were throwing some of Owen's toys at each other and I just completely blew up. I couldn't control it. I can't believe that they did it really. All his things are in the corner of the room out of the way, but still in a place that is seen by everyone, especially me.

My husbands response. "Maybe you should pack them away than".

WTF. No way. I am not ready to do that. His things are all I have. I was never able to bring him home and this is all I have.

I just miss him so much. Will the hurting ever stop ?????

Am I Crazy?

I don't know if this is right, but lately I have been thinking that I want to have a baby. How can I be thinking this already? I feel so guilty for it. But I want to be honest with myself and say that I have been thinking about it. Honestly I have been thinking about it for the last week or so.

I'm not in any hurry, and I know that this isn't just a want of a baby to fill the void of Owen not being here. If I were honest I would say that even if Owen had have survived I would want another child. I just think I am that sort of girl. A mother. Owen was only ever going to be our "last" as I guess we had to stop at some point.

Does that make sense? I don't know. I feel like I am never making sense these days.

Should I even be thinking these things yet. ergh. why does this all have to be so hard.

Counselling

I know people are just trying to help, but I am so sick of hearing the words "have you had counselling yet".

Seriously I have only just lost my baby boy 3.5weeks ago, counselling is the last thing I am thinking about at the moment. Just getting thru each day is hard enough.

How is counselling suppose to help me, has that person been in my situation and lost a child, how can they help, how can they understand if they haven't had this happen to them. In my opinion they can't, all they will do is sit there and listen, and to be honest. I can't even put into words how I am feeling to my husband. I can't even do it without crying. How am I suppose to talk to some complete stranger about my feelings. It just doesn't make sense to me.

But I know, right now. I am not ready to see a counsellor.

Jet

My heart breaks for Mirne and Craig. I can't believe this has happened to this beautiful couple. For it to happen once is hard enough, but 3 times to loose a child is just indescribable.

I'm thinking of you both and sending all my love, thoughts and prayers to you xxxxxxx

http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/"

Small Steps

Hasn't been a great day today, but a little step I guess is that one of my best friends dropped by today and I was able to talk about Owen.

It was so nice to see her, as I've stayed in my "bubble" for the last few weeks and haven't even been able to say yes to people coming over. But I did it. You would think being one of my best friends, it wouldn't be that big of a deal for her to come over, but for me it was. I have had my certain "people" that I have been able to see like my husband, mum etc. but apart from those few people, I haven't been able to see "outsiders". So today was a step.

She was here for me and we could just sit and be and talk if I wanted. She didn't try to force me to talk about anything in particular. But I did talk about my labour, the birth of Owen, and most importantly talk about Owen. I cried, of course. I miss my son. But it was nice to talk about him. I shared photos of him with her aswell and it was beautiful. I enjoyed being able to share him with her and having a cry.

She even had her little one with her and I had a cuddle (she is 6mnths) It made me think of Owen again and how much I do miss him, but it was nice to have a cuddle

Talking about him seems to be easier than actually talking about my feeling and how I am feeling. So for now this is enough. Writing my feelings is easier, so thats what I do.

Mommy, Please Don't Cry

I wanted to recommend this book to you all.



It's a beautiful book by Linda Deymaz. It has beautiful illustrations in it aswell.

My Midwife bought it for me and I thought I would share it with others. I did cry alot while reading it. It's beautiful.

Here is what is written on the back -

"In a moment's time your world shatters.....
Time stands still and darkness overwhelms the soul

Our stones are different but our pain is the same.
We are mothers who will forever grieve the loss of a child.
Yet beyond the darkness there is light and comfort for our broken hearts.

Mommy, Please Don't Cry is a book of hope and healing.
Adorned will beautiful illustrations, the gentle, poignant words
express the love of heaver through the eyes of a child. "

Thoughts

I have been thinking alot today about Owen. His birth and about him in general.

I was remembering being pregnant with him and discussing with my bestfriend about his arrival. Remembering how I was so looking forward to having a homebirth and getting my birth space ready. It was such an amazing time in my life. Thinking about him making his way into the world in our own home, in the birth pool, surrounded by candle, having my music and affirmations on and just being.

I have been thinking about his birth and how amazing it was. I had had 2 previous c-sections (the second one was a failed VBAC). I always knew my body could do it. That I could do it, and we did. My only regret is that Owen is not here.

I find myself going over everything over and over again in my head. Trying to see why this happened. It just doesn't seem right or fair. How can taking a baby away from his mother be right. It's not, it can't be.

I find myself sitting here sometimes. I know my friends would like to see me, but I just can't at the moment. for a couple of minutes at least once a day, I get the feeling like "yeah, maybe I could catch up with someone". but then those couple of minutes pass, and I am overwhelmed with the thought of leaving my bubble and having to see people. Is this normal? it only happens about once a day, but for those couple of minutes a day, I feel like this has all just been a dream, but than reality comes back and hits me, and the sadness and emptiness comes back.

A song to share

I just wanted to share this video with you.



This is one of the song's we played at Owen's funeral. I think it speaks for itself. I loved this song before Owen left us, and everytime I hear it I think of him. love you baby boy xxxxxxx

Thoughts

I was replying to a friend's post today, she has also lost a child. While I was writing words just kept coming so I thought I would add them here.

I miss Owen so much all the time. Sometimes I find myself just sitting looking at his things or rubbing my necklace just thinking of him. I haven't left the house since he left us apart from funeral arrangements, his funeral and Adam took me away on the weekend to talk to each other, and even than I just wanted to stay in doors. The only way I was able to go as I knew there would be no one there I knew or who knew I was pregnant. Even still I looked no one in the eye the whole time apart from Adam.

I stay here at home in my bubble as that’s what’s comfortable. I haven't even been able to take the kids to school or pick them up as I can't bear the thought of the looks I might get or someone saying something to me, or even for someone to just hug me and not say anything at all. It's just too hard. I walked to and from school everyday this year with the kids pregnant. And now to be home without my baby or being pregnant is so dam hard.

I have always been of the belief that what you put out you get back. But since Owen left, I have no belief left. How could the universe do this to us. I don’t understand. I don’t think I am a bad person, and always go out of my way for people to help if I can.

I keep trying to think of where all this could have gone wrong. Did I think of things I shouldn't have? Did I put something out there and it's happened? Did Owen not think he would be loved? Did he think we didn't want him? Is this my fault? I am suppose to protect and nurture my baby and I failed.

I'm scared for the day we get the results from Owen's Autopsy. What if they say this is something that I could have helped. I am terrified for that day.

The Secret Garden Meeting - August

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.

I didn't get to create a room for Owen. We didn't find out if he was a boy or girl at our 20wk scan as we wanted the surprise. He was going to be going straight into our room, into a cradle I have used for all my children. Once it was time for him to move onto his own room, we would have worked out what we were going to do. What children were going to share a room etc.

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?

His cradle was all set up and next to our bed on my side. It's still sitting beside our bed all made up. I am not ready to take it down, nor do I want to.

If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?

I didn't cope too well with coming home and seeing his cradle set up, I'm still not. It's the last thing I see before I go to sleep and the first thing I see when I wake up. I still have all his clothes and toys that we bought for him downstairs on the couch with photos of him and other memories of our little boy. I am not ready to move anything yet, and will not move them.

Did you pack it all away?What is your baby's room now?

Again, everything is still out and I won't pack it away. Maybe one day I will be ready too.

Owen's journey Earthside

Where to start? I have no idea. This is the first time I have ever had a blog or even contemplated having one.

I thought maybe starting a blog may help me heal. To get my thoughts and feelings down. And maybe there are others out there going thru what I am or will do in the future (not that I wish it on anyone).

My story started just over 3 weeks ago. I was pregnant with our 5th child. I was 43wks + 2 days pregnant. All was well and bubby was happy and healthy as all scans and monitoring had pointed too. We were planning a beautiful and peaceful Homebirth.

A quick run down.

On friday 7th August 2009, my labour was starting, all by itself. (after having 2 previous c-sections I was overjoyed that my body was doing this). Surges were coming every hr or more, and I was stoked. They continued and went into the night getting closer. YAY!!

Saturday 8th August 2009. This is it. Surges were coming regularly and closer together. My baby was making it's way to us. I laboured all day, having showers when needed. at 11am, the birth pool was getting filled and I was ready for a swim.

In and out of the pool all day whilst having surges. I was in my element. Being surrounded by my husband, my best friend and our midwives. My youngest daughter was coming in and out of the room, checking out the going ons. It truly was a beautiful time. Labouring in my pool with the support that I needed... I can do this... I AM doing this...

At about 10pm, it was noticed that bubs heartrate had decreased. We decided it was safest and best to transfer to hospital. I was also checked at this point and was found to be 7cm dialated. My midwife called the ambulance and the hospital to let them know what was happening and we were coming in. In this time I was lying on the floor, and all of a sudden I was pushing. It was probably about 20mins that I went from 7cm to fully dialated. I didn't even realise. I pushed all the way to hospital (at one point my midwife thought bub would be born in the ambulance).

My beautiful little Owen Edward was born sleeping at 11.42pm on Saturday 8th August 2009, weighing 7lb 5oz. We had a baby boy.

Owen was born without a heartbeat. I am still in shock and finding it hard to come to terms with as they monitored him with the doppler just before he was born and did have a heart beat, and then to be born without one at all. There are no words......

My babies all together

My beautiful baby boy. We will never forget you and I will love you for always. Mummy and Daddy miss you so much, as do your brothers and sisters. We talk about you and I know that as time moves on and our healing continues we will be able to talk about you more and more. My heart aches knowing you couldn't stay with us here on earth, but I know you are with us all for now and always.

I love you my little Owen. xxxxxxx